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                   GRAD SCHOOL

REAL LIFE

2006
2007
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2009
2010
 

REAL LIFE

December 28, 2010 

A wise friend of mine once advised me that instead of making a list of New Year’s resolutions, that it is better to list your accomplishments from the past year. 

So, here goes (chronologically as best I can): 

* My family and I successfully worked through Dad’s stroke (AKA “the event”)

* Performed a reading with Apothecary Theater Company

* Went to producers for my first audition for Law and Order

* Two films in which I performed, had their premieres as well as successful festival tours

* Performed in Dark Luna’s 1^st reading

* Successfully taught Theater History at Rider University

* Designed make-up for Apothecary Theater Company’s 1^st production

           (my work received mentions in several reviews)

* Performed in Dark Luna’s the 24 event

* Performed an original 1-Act play by David Magee

           (award winning screenwriter of Finding Neverland)

* Assisted the direction of 2 plays (helping out on another)

* Performed in two events at Abingdon Theater Company

* Successfully taught at Rutgers Summer Acting Conservatory

* Performed in a production of Romeo & Juliet in New Brunswick, NJ

* Performed in a production of Speaking in Tongues at New York Theatre Workshop

* Successfully taught Theater Appreciation at Rider University

* Successfully taught Stage Make-Up at Montclair State University

* Was invited back to teach at both schools

* Was invited to teach an Acting course at Montclair State

* Successfully co-produced, and co-directed Dark Luna’s Christmas event

* My family and I successfully worked through Dad’s hip-replacement

                       (he had a rough year – but got through it, thank you!)

 Not bad, not bad at all, thank you very much.

I am very lucky, and immensely grateful.

Here’s to 2010 being a benchmark for 2011!                            Happy New Year!

December 24, 2010 

Christmas Eve… 

Dark Luna had it’s 2^nd Annual Christmas Gala. T’was a success, I believe. We raised more money than any previous event! But our net income is what matters, unfortunately. This was the first time we actually paid for space, and being honest, we got hosed on it. Not only did we not get what we negotiated (we were gipped on time in the space, as well as tech time), but we were also extorted from the people who “run” the cafe – of course they called it a “corking fee.”

A rose by any other name… 

In addition, some genius scheduled a party in the lobby while our show was up. The whole issue with the space was kind of a nightmare from the word go.

DESPITE THAT – we put on a good show! ALL who attended, enjoyed themselves. Proof positive – one of the actors’ daughter (6 years old, I believe) attended, and she had a ball! From the mouths of babes – the toughest audience.  

While attendance was decent, it was not what we need to survive. We are putting up good work and people need to see it. Plain and simple! We have our first full-length production slated for March. We just don’t have the $$ right now to put it up. It will go up, mind you – it’ll be a scramble, but it WILL happen. 

I completed by classes successfully. Grades are in. All in all, a positive experience. Though, I did catch one kid trying to cheat on the Theater Appreciation Final. I chose to not pursue disciplinary action as his grade was punishment enough- D. Though his paper was suspicious, too.  

I’m lucky as both schools are having me back next semester. AND, there is a strong possibility I’ll be picking up another class in the spring…we’ll see. I’m kind of feeling like for the first time – I’m making headway. This was a successful year on both fronts: growth in Acting and Teaching.  

I’m feeling like an adult in a way.  

Family is good. As I write this, I am in my childhood home, in the family room. I helped my brother yesterday and for the past few days, I’ve been doing the dutiful son routine for the parents. At this moment, the house is decorated, gifts are purchased and both Mom and Dad are napping just a few feet away by the waning light of dusk and the Christmas tree as classical Christmas carols fill the room. I’ll be starting a fire in a little while. Later, “It’s a Wonderful Life” will be watched. If we’re lucky, Dad will make it through the first hour before underscoring the film with his snores (much like he is now). I have much for which to be thankful.

 Happy Holidays everyone….

December 1, 2010

 Onward….

 “Speaking in Tongues” closed. A successful run it seems, houses were never less than half-full. Impressive. Great cast, great people.

Finishing up the semester at both Rider and Montclair – getting ready for finals. Can’t believe how the time flies. Looking forward to doing it al again next semester.

I regret I haven’t seen much in the way of shows. I’ve been busy, which is good. I just wish I felt like I was making more progress. I know, I know!!! I remind myself to be grateful for the opportunities that have come my way. And I am, truly.

I can’t help but feel like I could be going out more. So? What am I going to do about it?

In the New Year, I’m starting in on the seminars again. Just gotta be seen.

Speaking of which – Dark Luna’s Xmas Gala is underway. Wes and I are taking the lead on this one, and it’s looking to be a cool event:

We have adapted the radio play, “Miracle on 34^th Street” and are putting it up on December 18^th at the CSV Cultural Center in the Lower East Side.

Silent Auction

Reception (great wine and food)

Great theater

Great Date-night, fun for the whole family, a complete evening.

The trick is getting people there. But, again, I think the excitement of those involved (it’s a great cast – funny!) will get the word out and people will come.

It’s hard building an audience. 

Dad had his hip-replacement surgery. All is well, physically.

A new chapter on the home front.

October 6, 2010

 Again, even I have to acknowledge….things are OK  

I just started rehearsing a new show, “Speaking in Tongues,” by Andrew Bovell. Cake Productions is putting this interesting piece up at New York Theatre Workshop. Finally, I get to work with my friend and colleague, Louis Wells – a talented young director who graduated from Mason Gross when I first started there.

 I’ll be playing a role not typical for me, which is a welcome change as well as a challenge.

 I also have been invited back to teach at Rider U. next semester, which is totally cool - Theater History, again. I’m very excited to improve upon my work last year and this semester with Theater Appreciation.

And

Provided I don’t screw the pooch at Montclair, it has been intimated that I would be teaching there again….so things are moving forward on the teaching front, too!

 I canNOT complain!

 Dark Luna is moving forward with Luna(tic)s Anonymous, our upcoming fundraising event. And Wes and I are taking the lead on our Christmas Gala – we got some cool ideas. All this is leading to our 1^st full production, written by Wes. Everything going our way, it should be up in March of 2011!!!

 Cool stuff.

September 21, 2010 

I find myself needing to remind myself of the good stuff.  

Times are tough, but I have been doing well…even I have to admit it.  

So, then…

Why am I not satisfied?

Why do I feel stagnate?

Am I stagnating? Or is it I just being hard on myself? 

Had a whirlwind of a new job thrust upon me…. I now teach Stage Make-Up at Montclair State University – huh? It all happened in the span of a week…crazy. 

Yea…and it is things like this that force me to remind myself that I am doing quite well. I think of it this way – In this past year, I have now taught at THREE Universities. Not bad….not bad at all. Theater Appreciation at Rider seem to be going well, as well. Thank god for Theater History last semester. 

Working steadily in moving forward in the acting department. Dark Luna has events planned, and we’re keeping ourselves busy. They’re a crazy bunch.  

My new reel is up (still needs work, but a marked improvement I believe), as is the new trailer for “Jason’s Big Problem.” 

Funny stuff.

August 25, 2010 

CoLab’s production of “Romeo and/y JulietA” has opened. 

We got a lovely review from Peter Filichia of the Star-Ledger. Check it out!

Thank you sir!

It was a very kind review, and it was nice to get a solid mention (especially since I’m in the play the least of all mentioned – I’ll take it!).

Getting ready for teaching again. A bit nervous, but feel much more secure. In addition, there is a possibility that I’ll be teaching a Stage Make-up class at another university, all of a sudden.

We’ll see. 

Jilana went back to Canada. Sad. It’s good for her, and I want the best for her. I miss her terribly. We now have the challenge to make this work. I believe we can. 

Oh, check out the new trailer for Jason’s Big Problem! Hilarious!!!!

August 2, 2010

 Finished with RSAC. What a great experience. I had a terrific bunch of students. So  open, willing and generous with each other. Their final class (friends and family invited) was an oddly moving experience: saying goodbyes, watching students being filled with a justifiable sense of pride, new friendships formed. 

“In God’s Hat,” produced by Apothecary Theatre Co. has been a successful run. I designed the make-up – and it’s gotten some nice mentions: 

Backstage 

NYTheatre.com 

So, that’s exciting….! 

I’ve been rehearsing the role of Mercutio in CoLab’s upcoming production of “Romeo and Juliet.”  That goes up mid-August. I was a replacement, so I’ve been catching up for past weeks…we’ll see.

July 11, 2010

Wow!

What a crazy night. Last night Dark Luna, my theater company, pulled off something I was not really expecting:

A 24 Hour Play Festival

This was an event wherein Friday night, a group of Playwrights, Director, and Actors meet at a bar. People are randomly divided into groups (1 playwright, 1 director, and several actors). The Playwright then leaves to write a play.

Next morning, the director and actors meet and read the completed play, rehearse throughout the day and PERFORM that play (offbook!) that evening in front of a paying audience.

Fucking CaRazy!

While I was not able to see the other plays (there were 5), I heard consistently that they were great. The play I was in, Ballet, by Mary Laws, turned out to be this epic aria (25 pages Of dialogue AND dance!!). The response was remarkable, as was the feat of putting it up relatively flawless. I worked with some amazing talent, and had a blast!! Can’t wait til we do it again.

Entering the final stretch of RSAC (The Rutgers Summer Acting Conservatory). It’s been a great time, with great students. Very intense. I don’t want to let them down. BUT, I do feel that my skill as a teacher, along with my confidence has grown significantly. I like progress, forward motion.

Now, on to Mercutio!!!.....

June 3, 2010

Long time, I know…sorry.

A lot has happened since my last posting:

I successfully completed my Theater History class, and all things considered, I believe it went well. I just got back my student evals, and they were all positive. The class was daunting and I was scared every week; however, I know I have gained so much by teaching it. In fact, I probably learned more than they did. I’ll be teaching Theater Appreciation in the Fall Semester, so I feel pretty solid for that.

Jason’s Big Problem had a successful run at the Connecticut Film Festival. Next week, we’re off to the Seattle True Independent Film Festival, and in late July – the film comes to NY!!! Keep an eye out for notices here, Twitter and Facebook.

I’ve started taking an Acting class again – to keep myself sharp and exercised.
AND
I also started an Improv class at The Upright Citizen’s Brigade! It’s very challenging. Fun, but challenging.

I got a Commercial Agent – so I’m back out in that market again. Auditioning, callbacks - Which is great!

Dark Luna is keeping me busy. We did a reading of The Brothers Dellapina, by Sean Christopher Lewis. Responses were mixed, but I feel it was a successful event. Great food and wine-decent turnout. Next month we’re putting up a 24-Hour Play Fundraiser. Working toward a full production by the end of the year.

Hmm…what else?
Oh, I’m in a new relationship. Lovin that. Cool story, too! Will write more on that later. Right now, things are awesome!

Guess that’s it for now.


 

March 29, 2010

Spring hath Sprung!

Had a lovely couple of weeks…opportunities and potential abound.

I had one of the best career-experiences I’ve had in a long time. I was fortunate enough to perform in an original 1-Act, The Designated Hitter, written by David Magee, and directed by Richard Aven. These are two wonderful guys from Michigan. You might recognize David as he is an Oscar and Golden Globe nominee for “Finding Neverland.”

What an experience! Not only was the material absolutely wonderful and elegant, but we all also got along quite swimmingly. My feet are firmly planted on the ground here, but I do believe (and hope) that we will be working together again…hopefully soon. We all want to…that much was made clear. 

Theater History is going well. I think I’M learning more than my students. While I’m not the best teacher of the topic, I do feel the students are getting their money’s worth…I’m adequate, but learning and getting better. I’ve been asked to teach Theater Appreciation next semester. I said “Yes,” of course. This is all good stuff! Building up a nice CV. Right now, I feel I have 2 paths availing themselves to me simultaneously. I’m going to walk both while I’m able and diverge when is absolutely necessary. 

We are moving forward with Dark Luna! It’s really kinda cool. Our website is up, and we’re making progress on our next event. AND hopefully, we’ll have our first full-on production up-on-it’s-feet by the mid-summer. There are some growing pains, but thankfully, at our core, are some hard workers who are driven to make this work. We’ll see…. 

It’s funny, but I started this entry about a week ago, while still in the NY area, but am finishing it in PA; I come home on most weekends to help out the family. I mentioned earlier, a while back, my father had a stroke in the beginning of 2010. He is well, and you wouldn’t know that anything had happened. But, in fact, it did. Since “the event,” I have been coming home whenever I can to help out, and just “be there.” I’m happy to do it, and thus far, it’s been no great sacrifice. But what I marvel at, what brings a smile to my face is seeing my parents delight and/or satisfaction of the assistance I’m able to provide. I do not mean this egotistically. I am not professing to be doing all that much – because I’m not. But apparently, it is a great deal to them, and I guess, that’s all that really matters. My time at home reminds me how lucky I really am. They are not only my parents, but also my friends. I also help out my brother, whether it be at the shop, or some task for his family – what beautiful kids they all are! My brother is one of the “richest men in town!” I just wish he knew it…

February 28, 2010

Back in LA…

Yep, therefore I must be at “The Pig.” It’s beginning to feel like a ritual. Whenever I’m here, I think I can only write here at my favorite coffee-shop.  Arrived to gorgeous weather. Flew out just as the east was getting nailed, yet again with another shit-ton of snow. Literally just missed it. I arrived at Newark Airport and the board shone red with “CANCELLED” notes on 95% of the flights. Somehow mine wasn’t. Not complaining.

“JPB” (Jason’s Big Problem) is premiering this week. I’ve been pretty good at NOT thinking about it too much…still, the whole thing makes me a bit nervous.

Will people like it?

Will people come?

Will anyone care?

Am I any good?

Blah, blah, blah…you know, the BS we put ourselves through.

I’ve seen the final cut, and it’s REALLY GREAT! I cannot believe all the work that has been put into this project. Mind-boggling. I’m proud of it, yet still my insecurities creep in. See above.

Then, on the other hand, during the opening event of the festival we talked with a prominent industry guy who works for a major distributing house (no names to protect the innocent), and he was VERY excited to see it. He was real psyched to know that we made a “high-concept comedy.” So that felt good. Furthermore, it was cool to have that kind of time (we spoke for 45minutes) with that prominent an industry person (we checked on ImDb, he’s for real). We’ll see.

As always, been meeting up with old friends and familiar faces…GOD I miss them. It’s been wonderful. Naturally, “When are you coming back to LA??” is uttered EVERYTIME I see someone else. It’s nice, actually.

During my time here, I’ve been diligent in keeping prepare for my Theater-History class. It’s weird to work on it here in LA.

 Tuesday night is the premiere. We have a red-carpet-my 1^st.

 Tune in….

 February 4, 2010

 Been meeting with some old and new advisor/mentors. Took my agent out for drinks, and the message is the same:  

     Keep doing what you’re doing.  

I fear that my window of opportunity might be closing?

The response to that is: 

               It hasn’t opened yet.

 That is to say, I’m still growing into “my type.” That mid-30’s thing…so, it’s about the strength to keep it up.

So, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing: auditioning, producing, participating in readings, being readers for significant theaters in the area, meeting people, etc. 

On another note - I started teaching Theater History. WHAT???

Yes, you read correctly. I am teaching Theater History (from 17^th century-present). It’s exciting and daunting. A TON of material. I’ve been working on it for months now…In fact, last night was the first “real class.” We covered French-NeoClassic Theater. It felt like it went well. I like the students. They seem engaged, they participate in discussion, and I think they might be enjoying the class. 

If you put a gun to my head a year ago, and demanded me to imagine myself teaching Theater History – I wouldn’t be able to do it. I cannot believe I am doing this!! But, I get the feeling, it’s going Ok…we’ll see. Basically, the trick is to keep ahead by at least a week. 

I’m trying to keep ahead by a month. OCD? 

...perhaps

January 11, 2010

A wise friend of mine had suggested to me some time ago, that instead of laying on the Bullshit Resolution list – I should create a different list: 

A list of things for which I am most grateful. 

So here goes: (CLICHÉ ALERT – there may be some – just lettin’ ya know) 

My family – their love and support sometimes staggers me. They believe in what I’m doing sometimes more than me, it seems. (as I write this, my father lays in the hospital recovering from a major episode. I am so lucky that he is my father. I love him so much, and am humbled by his generosity and support. I don’t know what I’d do without him.) 

My friends – I’m talking my CLOSE friends. They are few, but mighty. I only wish I could live closer to most of them… 

My home – I have heat, a clean, decent apartment. I really can’t complain.                            
Though I really wish to own soon. 

My health – Since Grad school, I’ve been in the best shape of my life. A discipline, a gift from someone whom I will always cherish. 

My career – while I constantly strive for more, I cannot deny the opportunities I’ve had thus far. I appreciate every one of them, and look forward to the many more to come. 

My teaching – I feel myself growing as a teacher, and I am touched by how students seem to get excited about class. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to grow in this capacity. 

I could go on, but I am heading back to PA to be with my Dad.

December 20, 2009

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays Dark Luna from the swift completion of their appointed rounds!

I think we can call “Yuletide Shorts”  - a success! Despite the last minute PR effort we had, and a BLIZZARD – we got people in the door, and presented a pretty lovely evening, I think. Pics – coming soon on Facebook, the website…. 

While it was not a huge event, I was proud of what we accomplished. For the most part, the work we presented was solid, done well, and presented professionally. 

For the most part… 

We, as a new company, learned a great deal: to assert ourselves more for what we want, be true to our vision, blah, blah, blah… I won’t elaborate, but those involved know what I’m talking about. 

Now, we must figure out where to go from here. 

Our biggest challenge? Space.  

Feels like we have a solid momentum from this….it’s up to us to keep it going.

December 11, 2009

Moving forward on “Yuletide Shorts” : A co-production between Mile Square Theatre and Dark Luna – 2 theater companies I am lucky enough to be a part of.

For such a not-huge event, there is a great deal to do. But it’s nice to work on something, and I know it’s going to be great!

Both “Forged” and “Jason’s Big Problem” are moving forward in the festival front. Look for updates in the “What’s New!” section.

I can’t believe the semester is almost over! I will miss this class. They are a great group of students and never before have I had such  a positive experience with an entire class!

Preparing for Theater History next semester is exciting and daunting. Though I am working steadily and I feel it’s going to be just fine. Lots of research, and I’m making headway organizing each class with PowerPoint presentations. 

Auditions have gotten more frequent, which feels great!

 Next step – Booking!

 November 7, 2009

 S

L

O

W

 Not much Acting stuff going on. Makes one doubt.

But then you have an audition and a positive response – it’s amazing how validated you feel. Not in the needy way, mind you. Just an affirmation that you are doing what you are meant to be doing. It just feels good, to affect someone – even if it is in the form of a hearty laugh during a monologue. I’ll take it. But I need more… soon.

 Teaching is wonderful. This is easily my best class…ever! Each class I’ve had with them, they have risen to the task. If they don’t “get” something, they work to understand. It’s fantastic. Makes me feel like I’m contributing, in some small way, to their lives, their education.  

Preparing every day to teach Theater history next semester. A HUGE undertaking. 

“Jason’s Big Problem” is moving forward. Trailer and website up soon. Will provide links…promise. 

I find myself thinking a great deal about where to go from here. Again, things are slow. VERY slow. I don’t know how much longer I can go at this…much doubt, many questions, evaluating my self-worth. 

Lonely.

 October 14, 2009 

I feel like I’m actually a teacher! 

I was privileged to have “one of those classes” last night….GOD! it feels great!!! 

This is not about me, but it is an amazing thing to witness an entire class “GET IT.”

This is such a great group of students: open, willing, and able. More importantly, a trust is building within the class, as well as towards me, it feels. 

There are a few students who are already providing a fine example of the work, trust and confidence that is necessary to grow as actors, and perhaps as people. 

Maybe I am also learning to be a better teacher who can direct and push students harder, while maintaining a positive, safe environment. But, this is not about me. I am thrilled to have been a part of the great work last night.

I only hope it continues… 

I was fortunate enough to audition for one of my dream roles last week. It was fun to work the sides, hard, and present it.

Now, I must let it go.

 October 8, 2009 

Of course, New York and Los Angeles could be considered “regions.”

October 7, 2009

 I LOVE my class. Had another great one last night!   

We made some wonderful progress as several students allowed themselves to be free enough to living fully in their imaginary circumstances. It is so much more fun when working with students who are WILLING to make the leap of faith to “just do it.” Great spirits, and solid students. My best class at Rider, yet. I don’t want to let them down.  

I must acknowledge that I, too, am probably learning to be a better teacher. Not GREAT, but better. I’m allowing myself to be a little tougher, yet I hope I am still enabling a safe, supportive environment in which the students are able to take risks.  

I have been contemplating the direction my life lately; where my path has been leading me. I have been making steady progress on both fronts: Acting & Teaching.  

Acting: New Agent, Shot 3 films and several TV shows just this past year! Great Stuff! One of the films is a major part and will be seen by many throughout the festival circuit (2 films actually, though the other is only a supporting role)  

Teaching: Been teaching steadily for 5 years now at 3 different universities. AND I’ve been asked back at Rider to teach Theater History. I accepted. Not only am I tremendously excited, but I also am a bit intimidated. It’s A LOT of prep work. Virtually ALL lecture. But this is a class that after I do once…it’ll be in my repertoire and I can use again, and tweek for the future. Rider has been kind to me, and I am tremendously grateful. Thanks Mir! I also appreciate the trust they bestow when I’m asked to help with their productions.  Don’t want to disappoint.  

Which leads me to my thoughts. Where am I going?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with landing some teaching position (2-3 classes a semester), while acting at some solid regional theater. What’s the matter with that? It’s never been about fame for me…I just wanna work! I’m never happier than when I’m working. Plus, I admit, it feels good to be on a campus. I enjoy the environment of learning.  

Dare to dream!

September 27, 2009 

A new semester at Rider. It’s exciting, and I feel like I’m already into a nice groove. Moreover, this group of students (Acting I) are open and receptive. I believe one of the reasons this may work out nicely (my first real class earlier this week went swimmingly), is because none of them are actors. I’m not disrespecting my fellow artists, but non-actors have no, or fewer pre-conceptions…which is nice. 

Also have started working on a new Blog entitled, “Working in and around the Business of Acting.” I’ll put out a link after I’ve added a few more posts. I also have some other ideas that should be seeing the light of day in the near future…will let you know when things are posted…I’m excited. Creating a bigger presence, online, and hopefully, within the biz itself. 

Things are moving forward with Dark Luna Theater Company – shot a couple of videos which should be online soon. Also, I just viewed a rough cut of “Jason’s Big Problem.” Wow! Even my tendency towards skepticism was overridden….very funny! And I’m shocked to say, I am pleased with my work. Now the balance of fantasy and reality are getting even more blurred. The potential this project has is tremendous…now we wait and see. Sundance received it…we should know by early December if it made it in. 

Ready to sink my teeth in something  else…I hate not working…

September 1, 2009 

So, I’ve been back from LA for a few weeks now...head officially screwed up about moving there. So many good friends there, my BEST friends, brighter environment, etc. My head knows NYC is where I belong, but the heart pulls West again..AAAAGGGGHHH! Is nothing easy? 

Anyway, so today, walking back from Columbia U., and I bump into 3 people I knew in LA!!!!

Coincidence? Is there some hidden message I am to receive?....I don’t know.

Weird.

“Jason’s Big Problem” is wrapped. Shooting went very well for me. The producers were THRILLED with my work. Which is fantastic. I am anxious to see the completed project, and am curious to see what kind of legs it grows in the coming months. A lot of quality work: front and back of the lens. 

I recently participated in a Chia Messina project, UGLY PORTRAITS. Check it out her blog!

Was fun! 

Otherwise, plodding along…I start my 3^rd semester at Rider U. in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that. Auditioning, weighing options, keeping my head above water – barely, you know the story.

Same ole, same ole.

Grateful for what I’ve had, and what I have.

July 11, 2009

Having much to think about…

While I am fully aware that any move back to Los Angeles is still AT LEAST a year, probably two, away…I find myself thinking about it much more seriously these past days. It doesn’t help when EVERYONE asks me, “When are you coming back?” with huge smiles on their face. That’s facetious…it actually feels really good to have so many people want you back. Fact is, I also miss them terribly. It has been wonderful seeing old friends and catching up…I am so lucky to know so many great people.

Plus, I’ve always maintained that LA is SO much fun…when you’re working.

Have to stay focused. The East coast is still where I should be. Barring, of course, any unforeseen opportunities.
 

July 7, 2009 

Exhausted…. What a week!  

95% of my stuff is in the can. I have to say, I feel pretty good about the work I put forth. The producers, and the writer-director could not have been more pleased.  Despite the exhaustive long hours, and the pace at which we found ourselves working, most of us were having a tremendous amount of fun. 

Feels good to have the performance so well received, especially after such hard work. 

I’ll say it again…it feels like there’s something special about this project. I feel it will yield benefits for a lot of people involved.  

I also met some awesome people!! The director/writer, the D.P., the crew, cast, and of course, the producers – all awesome people.  

I look forward to seeing how this project moves forward. What type of exposure this gives, or if this will become a spring-board for anyone involved.  

While I am excited about the possibilities….I must not count on anything.

June 27, 2009

 The Bourgeois Pig… My favorite LA café. It’s good to be back! 

I had my first day of shooting yesterday, and I felt good about how it went. We got behind schedule, but that is to be expected. 

While I have much work to do, I am grateful for the prep work I did back in NY. Here’s a shout out to my friend, and coach, Wes! Thank you buddy! Our work together has provided me some solid footing. I’m working from a grounded, truthful place, while at the same time, hitting the comic points. I feel good. Must stay focused and ready. I have A LOT of work to do, yet. 

Met up with some AADA friends last night at Trader Vic’s…was interesting – a “reunion” of sorts; 10 years! Jesus. Not a lot of people showed, but those who were there, it was nice to see again, and catch up. Most people seemed to have left town, AND the pursuit. Pretty cool to see where some people’s paths have taken them. How could I NOT go? Since I was in town, the timing seemed to suggest that I SHOULD go. 

It’s weird in a way to be back. Hard not to think how different my life was when I was here last; 2 years ago. Though I find myself liking LA now that I have a little more perspective. I could live here, again…when the time is right…if the time gets right. 

Onward and Upward!

 June 17, 2009

 I fly out to LA in a week to shoot a film. Very exciting, and a bit nerve-racking. It’s a significant part, and terrific opportunity. I need to be on my game, and NOT act.  I’ve been working on the script every day, but at the same time, I’m trying not to over-saturate myself with it. 

“Guiding Light” was fun. I had a pretty funny scene; we had to shoot it a few times because people were breaking and cracking up. A nice problem…especially since it wasn’t me who was breaking. 

It’s going to be great to be back in LA. I’m looking forward to seeing as many old friends as I can.

May 24, 2009

The semester ended, and I must admit, my students, on the whole, were a pleasure. I feel like some of them actually learned something. I wish them well. I have been asked to return next semester, if they are able to fill another class. I hope to continue teaching at Rider, as I have learned so much regarding teaching.

The Acting career is progressing well.
In addition to finding a new agent, I have two films coming up. One shoots next week: a fun horror production, “Experiment 7,” with this pretty crazy and cool production company, SouthPaw Productions.
The other is in Los Angeles. I don’t want to say too much about it right now as many details are still being ironed out….but all looks very good. It’s a major part and a very funny script.

I’m anxious for the momentum I seem to have to keep going. I’m working hard, and I feel I’m starting to see its dividends.

May 2, 2009 

Well, the times, they are a-changin’ 

Lot’ a forward motion, it seems. ..and I’m psyched!  

I just moved to a new agency, which is tremendously exciting. It is wonderful to be in a room full of people who “get” who and what you are, and are excited to work with and promote you. This is a feeling I have not had since I’ve been here quite frankly. Not to be talked down to, but to be lifted up. Not to be treated as an intrusion, but to be taken in as a member of a team. 

I am elated! 

I am pursuing my Yoga certification (though that effort has been briefly postponed), which has already enhanced my teaching. I look forward to completing that process. For a while I was practicing fairly often – felt awesome. Though as of late, my practice has slipped a bit. Not to worry. 

As I mentioned, teaching is going better. This semester’s class, while is not without its hurdles, is going so much smoother. They are challenging, but much more open, and I THINK…they might be learning something.  I still question my abilities as a teacher:

Am I too demanding?

Are my points clear?

Are my expectations realistic?

In addition, the topic of language (i.e. profanity) has come up on more than one occasion. I have strong opinions about that fact. While my mouth can be loose in class, I NEVER direct it to anyone personally. Something I make clear at the beginning of the semester. Any and ALL CRITICISM is ABOUT THE WORK, ONLY. Nothing is personal. But with regard to language, I do not discourage profanity because I believe it is ESSENTIAL that students feel free to express themselves by any means necessary – in a safe way, of course. How can expression, and honoring one’s impulse be promoted if they are worried about getting in trouble for speaking some type of profanity? My solution – just say the shit! Get it out! Don’t censor yourself!  

FUCK IT! 

Anyway, maybe I need to make the point more clear at the top of the semester. 

All-in-all, it’s a good patch…solid, forward motion.

February 1, 2009

It’s the economy, stupid!

Man, is it rough out there these days. So much has dried up, and it is easy to be discouraged. I’ve been doing what I can to cut expenses, though I’m sure there is much more that I can, that I should do. I haven’t eaten out at a restaurant in ages (doing a lot more cooking at home – upside: my personal menu has expanded quite a bit, getting braver with my culinary experiments – yum!), haven’t gone out much for that matter. While I know that is helping my financial health, I fear my social life might be suffering a bit. No, it is…period.

I’m trying to open myself to different social circles, as well as open myself up to new employment possibilities. For instance, I begin Yoga Teacher Certification next month. I am very excited, not only will I be qualified to teach (more income potential), but I will also be introduced to a new and different populous, something I truly need. But, most importantly, when I do it, Yoga, I mean…it just feels good. There is a spiritual level that I am interested in learning more about.

I am also looking to get involved in more community-based projects. I am feeling a little too self-absorbed and selfish these days, especially when I am often too consumed by – the career and all the subsequent Bullshit with all that. To be frank, I’m getting tired of it: the constant struggle, the surrounding fellow actors cackling about this almost gotten part, or that blown audition, or “did you hear about…” AAAAGGGHHH! so much that is not important. And I get caught up in it too…I’m not above it. It’s just I’m so disappointed in myself when I do. There is so much more important things going on outside ourselves. MY GOD! The history we all have witnessed in the last few weeks. The state of the world, and what we must do to climb out of it, etc. With that, with this huge situation we all face, I feel a massive transition, a gigantic change is in store for all of us. As frightening as it may be, I am choosing to view it all as opportunity. What kind? Or how?

I don’t know.

Weird, as I have been doing more Yoga, I find myself releasing my clutch to it all. Whatever happens? happens…when it happens (of course, it never seems to happen when you want it to...it happens in it’s time). What does “happens” even mean?

With regards to “the career”…I am looking to expand myself to other markets as well. I have taken meetings with Agents in the Philadelphia area…why limit myself?

I started an Acting class with an old teacher, mostly to flex my muscles as it were, to stimulate myself, keep the skills honed.

I also booked a film!: my 2nd SAG Feature in 6 months! (I still count Ang Lee’s, “Taking Woodstock.” – the man picked me for God’s Sake…I still enjoy that fact). Forward motion…progress…AWESOME! It is an Indie Film entitled, “Forged.” I play a not-so-nice Foster-Dad whose primary motivation for taking in kids is the gov’t $$. My agent and I are happy, as we seem to be closing in on how I am the most marketable: seedy, sleazy sorts who are guilty of something. Type casting?

Of course, it affirms the only solid rule in this career: if you want work, plan something else. What I mean is, my shoot directly conflicts with the beginning of my Yoga Certification Program…so that’s great! It’ll be fun negotiating that little conflict. It’ll work out.

I started my 2nd semester at Rider last week. I am excited and so grateful! The fact they asked me back was a tremendous compliment. Especially since last semester was a constant battle of the wills, especially with my “Advanced” class. Never in my (albeit brief) experience had I face such resistance. While I had 3 to 4 solid students, for which I was grateful, over half the class received grades of “C” or less. We’re not talking talent issues here…we’re talking, JUST DOING THE WORK! One student didn’t even hand in his final paper!!! Several didn’t READ THE PLAY from which their final scenes were assigned! I was floored. This seemed to be a refusal to comprehend the amount and kind of work that is absolutely required in this craft. I guess that is why my own experience in this quest far too easily beleaguers me: I too often see half-assed work being accepted, or rewarded. BUT…enough of that.
I also cannot ignore the strong possibility that I failed them in some way. Perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? Or inappropriate? I was talking to a close friend/teaching mentor about my experience-we both acknowledged that, yes…”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

BUT

I can get better at making them thirsty. I need to learn how to do that better.

This semester’s class however, seems to be a refreshing change thus far. I sense openness within them, and an eagerness to learn. Perhaps, I also have learned a thing or two during my tenure there…?

As I write this, I see and acknowledge the progress I have made and seem to continue to make. Why can’t I find comfort that I am doing what I can? Is it perhaps because I can do more? When does persistence and patience become unrealistic and disillusioned?

Finally, I remind myself EVERY DAY all of which I have to be grateful for:

*My tremendously supportive family – it is amazing how much they believe in what I am working towards.
*My friends. I would be truly alone without them – their faith and support affirms my belief in myself. (it sucks they’re so far away)
*My education
*My ever-growing abilities
*My health (I am still in the best condition of my life – while there is still
heart-ache, I cannot deny the life-long gift that June has given me)
*My experience – I’ve been around. I’ve done some things. I won’t undermine that.

I could go on…but I won’t.

“Without Struggle, There can be no Progress.” – Frederick Douglass
 

November 5, 2008

Rarely does an historic event so significant come around…to live through one is incredible, especially one so monumental. I am proud to be its witness.

Never in my life have I been so filled with…yes, I will say it…

Hope.

It feels good to know that sometimes…SOMETIMES…we can get it right.

Our first step. The first of many… 

I hope.

November 3, 2008

 This evening I drove through the woody regions along the Hudson River, north of New York City. The smell of autumn is in the air, the cool night breeze is blowing through the oppressive trees that hang overhead barely obstruct the crescent moon that hangs in the misty night.

 Why am I here?

 I just finished a chamber theater reading of Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” This piece was produced by the up and coming, Off-World Theatre Company in Piermont, NY. Piermont is across the river from Tarrytown, AKA Sleepy Hollow, you could see it from where we were…so it was kind of cool to tell this story in the area of its origin. Moreover this was a great group of people and we all worked together very well. I was very lucky to be a part f it, and I am grateful to have crossed paths with everyone involved. It is projects like this that keep me excited to be in this profession.

 Otherwise…plugging along.

 I find myself being the guy that “those things” are happening to…

 For instance, several weeks ago, I auditioned for a part, along with a former classmate. He ended up getting the part, and naturally I was happy for him, while secretly envious at the same time -  the actor’s constant inner struggle. Anyway, so after negotiating through that path of disappointment, I got a call from my agent informing me that the same show was offering me another part, flat out – no audition!

 So, there it is, living proof…just because you didn’t get the part, doesn’t mean you didn’t have a good audition. We hear this shit all the time, but until it happens to you…you never really believe it.

 I love these types of victories, affirmations, etc.

 Teaching is going well. I feel as if I may be gaining the trust of the upper level students. They have seen the benefits of the type of work I am expecting and they seem excited about it. Trust and respect has be growing and it feels good to witness their progress. There are still daily battles, but I believe I am also learning how to be a better teacher. It was pretty frustrating for a while, but a friend/mentor of mine has helped me put things in perspective…not taking things personally has been my major challenge. Tis my nature…when I commit to something, I put my heart in it. It is dangerous when you expect the same from others….expectation often leads to disappointment.

 Anyways, I think the school is happy, as they have offered me a position next semester.

 I accepted.

 Progress.

September 30, 2008

 It has been a while, I know...just didn’t feel like writing much.

 The summer was long and slow.... 

I spent a lot of time working at home, helping my family, and working on the properties my brother and I own back in West Chester, PA.

Eric and I are moving forward on the play we are looking to produce. We have a director for the project and are currently looking for space. Details to follow as more elements become secure.

Auditioning, Auditioning, auditioning. Friends of mine who have been out longer are starting to have more things happen, so that is not only wonderful for them, but  also encouraging for me. As was discussed in my recent meeting with my agent: it takes 1 to 3 years to “get out there.” While I’ve had a great 1st year, I can’t settle.  

I recently had “one of those stories” happen to me. I was recently cast in a feature film by an “A-List” director, which was F***ING COOL....only to find out weeks later that the scene was cut. SUCKS!!!!!!  

But 

I have to hold on to the positives. In the end...I did get the part, I caught the eye of a major director, and am getting noticed. Many good things there that I must not dismiss. 

As you may have noticed, I also had some new headshots taken. My agents’ and I are VERY happy with how they turned out.  

I also started teaching at Rider University. This is a wonderful opportunity and I’m excited to be working there. While it is an adjunct position, there is hope that I will be hired on a permanent basis. We’ll see.  

For now, I am looking to do my job well, and, more importantly, teach my students to behave and think like actors.

 Today is my father’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dad!

May 13, 2008 

I had good couple of days.

 I made my Daytime TV debut last week with “All My Children.” A lot of fun, and a very cool thing…what is particularly hilarious is how some of our family friends WENT NUTS about it…the thing is…I only had 1 LINE! Kinda funny to me. Not to make light of it all…it felt good to get the part.

 I was updating my resume to include some additions, as well as some reformatting and, my god…I’ve had a really good year! Yes, I always wish for more, I work for more, BUT… I have to be grateful for the work I’ve done thus far and take none of it for granted.

 I had an interesting evening last week as well; I attended the BA Acting Program’s (Rutger’s University) Final Presentation, wherein several of my former students performed. This class is the culmination of the BA Acting Program’s entire curriculum, led by my good friend Stacie Lents – who wrote a play for them!!! It was pretty amazing all the way around: great material, wonderful performances. Watching them perform was such a moving experience as I was beaming with pride; witnessing their growth, seeing how far they’ve come. And, I must say, there were some tremendous performances as well; very brave and courageous work. One of my former students, Michael, had a moment that was absolutely inspiring – he had an improv moment that was just awesome. I may be gushing a bit, only because my improv skills are pretty lame…he just blew me away! Nicole, Maddie, Lena, Corynn, David and Kayce made me so proud. Whiiel I am singling out my former students, there was some other strong work among the others. In addition, to observe how touched they were that I came… and I do not mean this egotistically…this is not about me here, but I was tremendously flattered by their response to my attendance. We shared an experience together, and that experience clearly had meaning for us all. For Them: to tangibly feel the results of their hard work over the past 2-3 years. For Me: to know I played some small part in their growth.

 This is all new to me, and it feels really good. This is part of something I have been working out for myself for some time now: How to Live an Artistic Life.

I have been looking back on things lately, and I am able to see how my life, my choices, myself have changed since I began this pursuit in art, in acting.

 I look/see things differently, more completely?... maybe? I don’t know. I find myself making choices I wouldn’t have made a few years ago. For instance, I just quit my job. I wasn’t happy there, so I quit. I found myself not liking the way things were going in that part of my life…so I changed it. I don’t have another job lined up at the moment, but something will happen. I feel it. In fact, as soon as I gave my notice, other opportunities started presenting themselves: i.e. I am more actively pursuing my Teaching/Coaching career - coincidentally, I have an interview for a teaching position in NJ…so, you know…who knows?

 This is new for me. Yes, of course, I’m nervous, but in the same vein, I believe things will work out.

 April 20, 2008

My life, these days, has been made up of work, exercise,  job hunting and readings…lots and lots of readings. Some have been pretty cool, other REALLY BAD. Did a fun one the other day at the Neighborhood Playhouse, it was a fundraising event and I was in a very fun piece, “On the Williamsburg Bridge,” by Alvin Levenstein. IT was quite a compliment to be complimented by him afterwards. Can’t really do better than that. My director, was Eric Michael Gillett (played my father in W:AC). The man has an incredible sense for comedy…I had a lot of fun working with him. The evening went well. Then, another, well…let’s just say…the person who asked me to do this other reading, greeted me with a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” Wow! Was this thing a turd…lesson learned? Just because one CAN write something…doesn’t mean that they SHOULD!!!!

 Currently, I am in, what Dr. Seuss calls, “The Waiting Place.”

      You can get so confused

     That you’ll start in to race

     Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

     And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

     Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

                        The Waiting Place…

     …for people just waiting

     Waiting for a train to go

     Or a bus to come, or a plane to go

     Or the mail to come, or the rain to go

     Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

     Or waiting round for a Yes or No

     Or waiting for their hair to grow.

     Everyone is just waiting.

     Waiting for the fish to bite

     Or waiting for wind to fly a kite

     Or waiting around for Friday night

     Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

     Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

     Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

     Or a wig with curls, or another chance.

     Everyone is just waiting.

 I take issue with one line here. “…a most useless place.” Yes, it CAN be a useless place, but I don’t believe IT IS a useless place. I believe one MAKES IT as useless place. We all find ourselves here at some point in our lives, more than once. It is how we face our own “Waiting Place” that defines us, I believe. 

     NO!

     That’s not for You!

          Somehow you’ll escape

          All that waiting and staying.

          You’ll find the bright places

          Where the Boom Bands are playing.

 That being said, I am submitting my CV to places where I would like to teach, I am exploring plays that I could co-produce and star in, as well as short films. I am writing, or at least working on writing…That shit is HARD. I am exploring job options, business opportunities, etc. We must work to make our opportunities.

 This is where I am, now.

March 31, 2008

 Things have settled down a bit. My life has been comprised of work, auditions (had some great ones –even if I don’t “get the part,” I made a great contact…always important!), and readings (which is great…I am grateful for the outlet). In addition, I making sure to follow-up with the industry as far as who came to the shows, who I’ve met, etc. I never lose track of that stuff…my lists are growing.

 My lease is up at the end of May and I’m not sure if I will stay in my studio, or try to find something better. 

I find it is important during these “lull” times to keep myself stimulated; whether it be with reading, classes (I should find one – that fits my schedule), or other means. For instance, I have been hammering away at an idea for a book I have had for a while. I am not writer, but I am aware of the writer’s first rule: just write. So I do. It is hard, and I have tremendous respect for anyone who can do it. Speaking of which…I had the pleasure of going back to Rutgers (for the 1^st time) to see one of the graduating playwright’s thesis play, “puree’” by Demetra Kareman. It was wonderful! I am so proud of her, to know he, and I truly hope we can work together some time. Next week is, “Right Place, Right Time,” by Lia Romeo. She is a wonderful graduating playwright as well. I can’t wait.

 It was nice to go back and visit (while I wouldn’t want to live there!). See old friends, offer an encouraging word; especially to the 2’s right now…God! What a bitch of a year that is, year 2…I see it on their faces and am glad that it’s not me…while admittedly, I do miss it, and I told them as much. Why? Because of the constant work, the immersion in what I love doing. But I would not want to go back. I only appreciate it more, now.

 Talking to them all…they asking me questions about the work I’ve done, hearing about the shows…legitimately proud of what I have done thus far. It feels good, yet I keep it in check. It doesn’t get to my head.  I remain sure to never lose my feeling of gratitude…taking nothing for granted.

 Auditioning…working towards that next project.

March 13, 2008

“Warning: Adult Content” has closed.  I have to say, that that is just fine. This was an extremely challenging project, I learned quite a bit. The overwhelmingly positive thing? I met some tremendous people, all of whom I am grateful to have in my life. I know I sound like a parrot, but the cast was a joy. In the end, I found myself working as hard as I did, for them. We were in this together, and we held each other up. 

To all of you I say, “Thank you.” 

I am currently rehearsing a 1-Act in this year’s 7^th-Inning Stretch, for Mile Square Theatre in Hoboken, NJ. I am actually reprising my role as Zender in Dano Madden’s, “The Save.” It is a lovely piece with a lot of heart in it. I am flattered to have been asked to do it again, and I am enjoying the opportunity to dig deeper into the flawed, broken, reborn character that is Zender. Furthermore, I have the opportunity to work with Gaye-Taylor Upchurch, our director. She has an eloquent way about her, with the patience of a saint. I trust her guidance on this project. What is really wonderful, I don’t feel I am repeating much of what I did before…this will be a fresh new look, while still being true to the playwright’s voice.  

I hope I can work with her again, truly. 

I’ve been auditioning, which is nice. Had a terrific audition for a Promo….did awesome…had the room dying…didn’t get it. Go figure. That is the way it is. Have to be happy that the CD’s were pleased and will call me in again when the opportunity arises. Making good impressions, building a solid reputation…and there it is.

February 25, 2008 

Well, we “Warning: Adult Content” has opened.  I still don’t know what to make of it. The responses, by audiences, have been mixed it seems: some houses are loud and active, some are quiet and subdued. Feedback from my trusted friends have been positive. Again, I have to acknowledge, the cast is phenomenal; I am proud to be working with them.  

This play has been tremendously challenging. The intimacy that must be portrayed by Julie and myself, as a married couple who set up an online Adult website, is pretty intense. In fact, the final scene, which gets fairly raw, becomes about two actors who are just dealing with themselves. Just two people, half-naked (she more than me) just connecting with each other. While it is a pretty cool thing, it’s also very vulnerable as well as scary.  I am avoiding looking at any reviews until we are finished. I can’t have any of that cloud my mind while I have a few weeks left in the run. 

Younger audiences, one can feel, get uncomfortable with the material...comments, shuffling and inappropriate laughing  can be heard during those shows. It is easy to get angry. But I remind myself that very likely, they are reacting to their own discomfort. In addition, it is evident that younger audience are losing the concept of what live theater really is. I know I’m repeating myself, but the MTv world has lost the concept that live theater is, well....LIVE. It is not some inanimate screen that won’t be affected by the talking, texting or conversing that audiences today are prone to do. There is a disconnect in the knowledge that the actors receive that energy, whether positive or not, and are greatly affected by it. 

Let me get off my soap-box....

 I will be heading back to LA soon as my best-friend, Hamish, is looking to move forward on this short film we’ve been trying to do for some time (I have a little co-producer hat on this one, in addition to being the lead). So this will happen either in the next few weeks, or in the summer. It is happening, just a matter of when. He’s done a lot of preliminary work already. Cool stuff.

 I’m plugging along.

 January 25, 2008

 Yea, yea, yea…I know it’s been a while.

 I’ve been working to keep working. Keep busy. Distract. Since the holidays my life has been pretty crazy. I booked a commercial, an industrial, booked a lead in a show, become a landlord…lotsa stuff.

 I am fully aware that I cannot complain about the career, especially during a major writer’s strike. My new show is an original piece by playwright, Joseph Gallo; the very playwright who wrote the Baseball Play that June was in, that was apart of Miles Square Theatre’s Annual Seventh Inning Stretch last year (I did it 3 years go), …small world or what! Furthermore, I got called in for this because Chris O’Connor, an MFA Director who graduated my first year at Mason Gross, gave them my name.  I love it when things like that happen!

 June and I remain apart, and it feels like that is the way it is to be. We met once, about a month ago and had a long conversation. Not only was it was very interesting, but also enlightening. It is amazing how two people can recall the same event in two VERY DIFFERENT ways. Since then we have spoken a few times. No real progress has been made; at least it doesn’t feel like we have. I feel like this is the way it is supposed to be for us now. Maybe we just need time with ourselves for a while, to figure our own “shit” out. Maybe it is really over? I go back and forth between knowing and not knowing. I still think about her every day, and carry a secret wish that it isn’t over. STILL. Shortly after that is my quiet knowledge that it is. I still get confused. Needless to say, the idea of dating is so not appealing right now, I wonder if I’ll ever snap out of this.

Anyway, the show…it is entitled, “Warning: Adult Content.” It is about a married couple that lives in Los Angeles and start up an Adult Website. But what makes the play really interesting, for me, is not only does it push the envelope with the content at times, but the play also addresses some interesting points on how sex is viewed in today’s society. We see Rick’s (my) journey in telling his (my) friends and family, and their reaction to his (my) new life. 

I am thrilled to have something to work on, be challenged by, to keep me going.  It is a courageous play with a truly solid cast. I know I’m in a good situation when it is who feels like the weakest link. I’m excited to be in this project.

Risky material…challenging circumstances…and a lot of trust. 

It feels good. I am so grateful.

December 5, 2007

My life has become a series of firsts. For instance, it is now almost two months since I woke up to my first morning without June. The night before was worse as I went to bed for the first time without her. When “The Runner Stumbles” opened, and I was not able to share it with her, that was a first. Subsequently, when it closed, she was not there to tell me that it will be OK, and what I am feeling is natural and will pass. Granted, I do KNOW all this, but it feels better when someone else is there to walk you through the low points. When I got home the day she cleared her stuff out, that was the first time my home did not have her presence. And now, it has completely lost her smell, for the first time.

I see couples walking, hand-in-hand, and I think of her, of us…what we used to be. I fantasize that maybe we still can reconcile this rift between us, but there is something deep within me that knows that that is not to be.

The holidays do not make it easier…another first. I am battling pretty severe depression. My job prevents me from slipping totally into lethargy. I don’t go out, socializing is an effort. I go home when I can to help my family, that helps…but I need to be with my contemporaries. Everything is an effort.

I am digging deep to find the endurance to continue pursuing this dream of mine. I realize, being just out of school, that I must have continued patience. Although I feel my life has been full of patience - waiting/working for that thing/goal that I wish/hope to attain.

Of course, with the Writer’s Strike, there is nothing going on. Some theater, yes…but still not a lot. I am taking seminars now at The Network, but because there is nothing to be cast….things are kind of tepid. I am however still doing them so as to introduce myself to the industry.

I find myself dealing with the same old questions:
“Who am I?”
“What am I?”
“What do I sell?”
“Where’s my niche?”
Blah, blah, blah…
Next week I will be taking some more pictures with Chia, hoping to get a more solid “character shot” that will be “the one.” I have some good pics already (I went with Chia the last round of pics, and I really like her), but Gary, my agent, wants something a little more off-beat. I have a beard now…so we’ll see I guess.

2007 has been full of high highs, and low lows. I am anxious for this year to end. I am particularly anxious to get past New Year’s, as it will be the one-year anniversary of my failed engagement.

I have to remind myself of my accomplishments and not be so hard on myself.

Time to start anew.
 

 October 25, 2007

 We are TECHing “The Runner Stumbles” and it’s pretty cool. It feels good to be a part of a solid production, with a solid theatre company, with some very reputable stage and screen actors. Furthermore, I am grateful to be able to distract myself from my own personal strife. 

Getting used to a life without June is very difficult. She was (is?) a big part of my life and I am still very reluctant to fully let her go.  As I write this on my laptop, which I brought to the theater, what do I find on this thing? Her pictures from her summer at the Guthrie. That kinda sucked. She is so beautiful…when I looked at them again, they still took my breath away. 

I miss my family. I wish I could go home, but I can’t…Thanksgiving will be when I can go home; and only the day at that. They have been so supportive of me, even more-so than before. They have circled the wagons around me sort-to-speak. That is nice, but I do not wish for things to become a “me v. her” thing, my feelings for her are still very strong. I still want to protect her. 

While my business prevents me from going home and taking time off, I am thankful that I have much to do….much to distract me…much to keep me from thinking too much...life’s little blessings.

October 15, 2007

This is a hard one. I’ve been dealt a blow I hoped I’d never face.

 June and I have ended not only our engagement, but also our relationship. It was just a week ago that we broke up. Apparently, there were some core issues that just could not be surmounted. I thought we had, actually. So when they resurfaced (before graduation, when “real-life” began to creep in), I thought (hoped) we could work through them. I guess we couldn’t

 I have been going through the gamut of the emotions: grief, despair, loneliness, and anger. It’s kind of interesting, I feel as if I have been going through the Seven Stages of Death…with the exception of Denial. Although perhaps, the denial phase occurred over the last few months, when I first began to sense something was not right?). Now however, there is no avoiding the hash fact that June is now out of my life…at this time, denial just isn’t an option.

 What was particularly devastating was when I came home a few days later (last Wednesday)…she had moved all her stuff out. I have never, NEVER felt more alone in my life. My home felt so empty and solitary I couldn’t stand it. What is worse, during my whole time back in the East Coast thus far, she was (is?) my dearest and closest friend.  With the loss of that relationship, the likes of which I never had before, comes much loneliness.

 Thankfully, I do have work to keep me busy, though unfulfilling. And I do have the show, which feeds me much more, despite the brevity of my scenes. These distractions enable to keep going.

 I will not go into the details of the “why.” That is all too personal. Furthermore, I will not breach her privacy, nor will I disparage her and her beliefs. None of us are perfect, least of all me. Because of the love that still remains for her, all of the anger, pain and betrayal that I feel, I must keep for myself. What I share is my hurt, my sorrow and my sadness.

 I can’t help but remember all that she has given me.  How much my life has changed just because she was in it.  She has changed virtually EVERY aspect of my life: my perspective on things, my patience with others, my diet, my change in my sense of spirituality for God’s sakes! Every moment that I live now has her imprint on it somehow, whether I am talking to a friend about the events of the past week, or  doing something that I used to do with her, for her, or something I wanted to do for her, or something she did for me…a sound, and saying, her smell. Everything comes back to her. I was ready to share the rest of my life with her, for better or worse, sickness and in health.  

Of course, it wasn’t all bliss; no relationship is. But I believed we could have worked through our differences, compromise, grow together.  

There is much I cannot write, should not write, as it is all too personal. 

I miss here terribly, and I now have to learn to live without her. I don’t want to, but I have no choice. I cannot deny the love I still, and will have for her. 

Despite my pain, sorrow and anger, and as cliché as it may sound, I wish her all the happiness in the world.

September 22, 2007

I got a gig. A milestone of sorts. My first New York credit for which I auditioned. And I believe, technically this will be an Off-Broadway credit (or Off-Off, I’m not sure of the distinction, yet). 

Anyway, it is the play, The Runner Stumbles by Milan Stitt. Produced by The Actors Company Theatre (TACT), and directed by Scott Alan Evans, the Artistic Executive Director of the Company. This is a very good thing, a nice credit. Needless to say, the agents are happy. First read is tomorrow. 

Things with work are going…smoothly? I think? Perhaps the word I should use is “better.” While I’m getting a firmer grasp on my primary responsibilities, I still need to avail myself to all the miscellaneous stuff to a greater extent, mostly to do with accounting things. I hate accounting. 

But it’s a job; a job that frees me to audition, as well as be in shows. Big perks these days.

September 11, 2007

 I was walking home from the PATH Train tonight after work. It had rained all day, and the clouds were still traveling across the sky. Beyond the buildings past my apartment, I could see the two beams of light that serve as an annual memorial of 9/11. 

I lived in Los Angeles when the attack occurred, and have been in School the years since I returned to the East Coast. This is the first time I have been a first-hand witness of site, as I take the train to the World Trade Center stop, often. 

Watching these beams of light pierce endlessly up into the sky is a beautiful, sad and tragic sight.

 I cannot adequately describe what I see, and how I feel.

 This is the first time I have seen the lights in person.

 It all still is overwhelming.

September 4, 2007

 I start my new job. I am Production Coordinator at The Network.

 I am nervous as I have a lot to do and there is much I am still not sure of. Plus, this is the first office job I’ve had in 10 years! Despite my uncertainty, I have much to be psyched about:

     I am not hauling bags of dirt up high-rises.

     I am not working in the Food/Beverage biz.

     I will not have to pack a change of clothes in a backpack and carry them     
     throughout the city, and subsequently bath in some public restroom before I put them on.

 My Workshop at EST went OK…not my best work, but it was a “work in progress.”

I am so psyched to have finished my 2^nd project there. Worked with some established Broadway actors.

It’s weird…classes started at my old alma mater. Now is when it is really hitting me that I am done school. Appropriate I start my new job the day classes at Mason Gross commence. 

I have several auditions coming up; one of which is for the Shakespeare Theatre Company. While I am keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground, I am very excited to audition for them. Naturally, there is a mild fantasy I have about working there…

What’s particularly cool…they called me from Showcase! 

I will be getting coaching from my former Alexander Teacher, Greg Seel, so I am as prepared as I can be.

We shall see.

 August 14, 2007

 “Medicine Show” is up and running. After a rough start (our Dress Rehearsal was our Opening), we seem to have found a groove. Our review was very nice as well, especially to Keith Longo (my awesome deputy! He’s fantastic!) and myself. NYTheatre.com was just lovely about the show. Friends of mine who have seen it all had the same issue I had with the part of the Sheriff…not enough!

 Of course, everyone loves the band! Those Lonesome Prairie Boys!

 I also have to give out props to a cast-mate: Ryan O’Nan. He not only is performing in our show, but he also wrote and is starring in another show, Animals. Wow! What an amazing show! I was so impressed. The writing blew me away; so funny and clever and smart. I have to admit, I have a new-found respect (I did anyway, but now more-so) for Ryan.  And I cannot forget Erin Mortensen and Michael Hirstreet (all BFA’07 grads from Mason Gross)…fantastic performances all the way around! I get moved when I see stuff like that. I really do. I so admire and envy the art of writing…I wish I had that talent. Congratulations Ryan!

 This Thursday I start a workshop of a new play at Ensemble Studio Theater. I am very excited about working there again. (I did a reading there a couple of weeks ago.  One of my favorite actors–-James Rebhorn was there—so cool!) I hope this project is part of a nice trend…EST is a very reputable off-Broadway Theater.

 I’ve been auditioning steadily; slow lately, but considering the time of year, that’s allright…been still steady. I also have been meeting more Casting people by keeping up with seminars around the city at The Network, as well as The Actor’s Connection

 As far as the “real life” stuff? Well…still figuring things out. I’m looking into some options. I just registered with the Actor’s Work Fund, which is a great organization. It is a support organization for Artists. Specifically for me, they offer free career counseling, networking seminars, as well as some skills-training. With regards to the career counseling, they understand the artist life of auditioning, therefore help you find a job/career that will not interfere with one’s passion and primary goal.

 I am very excited about this. Plus, I am looking to pursue some Graphic Arts skills, and Web Design. I have some experience with it already, plus it’s something I know I enjoy. I also am looking to intern somewhere; a theater, or a casting office perhaps? The thing is, at this point in my life, I am allowing myself to take the time to forge a life that I WANT. I cannot do the restaurant thing, nor the heavy labor thing anymore. I am working to not have to do that.

 I am working to give myself permission to leave myself be for a while. I put tremendous pressure on myself to be this perfect, put-together thing and it is OK if I’m not for a while.

 I recently finished a mediocre book with a decent message, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The part that spoke to me the most was the point that one need not work to be happy…one may just be happy. In other words, even when things aren’t going the way you might want them to…Ok, fine…one still can choose to be happy. Period. It’s that simple…just be happy. It kind of has “The Secret” kind of thing, without seeming as cultish.

 Anyway, so, I am relaxed in my present state, and doing my best to allow myself to be happy. To quote the prolific Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry, Be happy.”

August 3, 2007 

Things have been kinda crazy lately. But good. 

Working the Landscaping gig, rehearsing “The Medicine Show,” Finishing my ESL certification, auditioning, job searching…you name it.

 While things are still a bit unsettled, I feel like I’m slowly getting my bearings. I’ve been putting out a lot of feelers for jobs; focusing on flexible, “temp” type work: “Temping,” Tutoring (hence my TESOL/TEFL certification), internet-based data entry…who knows. All I know is that I am fighting tooth-and-nail the idea of restaurant/bar work (I’ll do it, but only if I have to), and I’d rather not landscape anymore. 

While the landscaping is fine, I find it increasingly difficult to do that job while auditioning.  You see, I’d be working, and if I had an audition, I’d have to pack a whole set of clothes, and bathe in some public restroom. If I absolutely have to, I’ll do it…again…I just don’t want to. I’m trying to hold out to carve out a life I want. You know? Supplement my life while pursuing my dream.

 Which comes to that part…of course, the Acting. I’m in a really solid show, “The Medicine Show.” ( check out the link in “What’s New!”) I am really lucky to be a part of it. The Band…ooh…the band, The Lonesome Prairie Boys are gonna upstage us all (here’s their pod-cast ) They are a great bunch of people, the band. Amazing musicians and just great guys…a lot of fun. A solid cast, great story, and writer and director. I actually feel like I’m a part of something special.

I’ve also been auditioning a respectable amount. More importantly, I feel I’m becoming a little bit known out there. My feedback, thus far, has been solid, and I feel it is only a matter of time before things start happening for me. When? Well, there’s the real question, you know? We’ll just have to see.

 But all is well, even I have to admit that.

 I am so grateful for what I have, and the possibilities that lay before me.
 

 July 4, 2007

 I’m learning to celebrate the little things. To be grateful for what I have and have accomplished. 

Yesterday started off kind of monotonous. My landscaping job was tedious at first as we were picking leaves and pine needles out of rocks…fun, right? But then, when we actually started planting stuff…things felt much better. I realize I thrive in progress and when results are achieved. For instance, after a morning of planting, you end up with a beautiful garden.  

Right now (on Independence Day), I am staring out my window, watching the fireworks…really cool. Never was able to do that before. Simple…and lovely. Listening to Aaron Copeland (one of my favorite composers). Like my birthday a couple of weeks ago: June and I spent the day together, went to the zoo, then out to dinner. Lovely. I could not, and would not have asked for anything more. 

I had a good class, yesterday. The students made some very good progress and I feel like I was able to clearly communicate with them. Sometimes, I fear I speak too much at times, and without clarity and/or substance.  But regardless, things went well. They seemed excited about learning and that makes me feel good. I am excited about tomorrow. 

I start my ESL Certification soon. I am rehearsing “The Medicine Show.” I am interviewing. I can’t wait til the auditioning really starts…I have a good feeling as the feedback I received from an audition I had a bit ago was really positive. I feel like I’ll be getting attention. 

Time will tell…

 
July 3, 2007

My 1^st month back in the “Real World” has been a period of adjustment that, I fear, will last a least a good year.

I thrive in structure. There’s a news flash! I knew this already, but right now that fact is apparent to me as the nose on my face. 

My goal during the past month has been to provide myself with a modicum of stability: Securing a job, re-establishing a workout routine, auditioning, workshops, etc. I am literally starting over again, and I find it not only difficult, but also quite arduous. I am battling within myself an ominous sense of futility, as well as depression. Coming out of a program in which I succeeded and was given praise, the Real World is, seemingly, a harsh slap in the face. 

Of course I am fully aware that most of this is in my head. The fact is I haven’t really started yet. The summer is very slow, most of the TV shows are now just starting to cast, if not will be in the next month.  And theaters have already cast their summer/early fall productions, so all those have been missed…I’m in another waiting place. 

Waiting… 

I am sick of waiting. I want to work. I want to work so bad I can taste it. What is worse, is the knowledge that I CAN WORK. I can do this stuff. I have to yield to someone else’s opinion that I am right for whatever job I’m up for. I hate that, but it is an unfortunate factor of this life. I work to remove all other options from their minds. I must leave them with no other decision BUT to hire me. 

Of course, the parts I’ll will be in serious contention for are likely to NOT be Leads, or the “really meaty” parts I’ve been given in school. And that’s OK. I am fully aware that that is how it goes. 

Furthermore, the fact is, I have so much to be grateful for:  

ü      I got an agent for God’s sakes…and a good one at that! (Something that didn’t happen to everyone after Showcase) I am one of the lucky ones.

ü      I have a job. Two Jobs, actually, and one of them is teaching! The other, landscaping. OK it might not be fulfilling to me. I may not spring up every morning to go to it. But, regardless… I have a job!

ü      I am working to obtain more lucrative, flexible work as I am to be certified to teach English as a Second Language. That should make me more desirable as a tutor as well.

ü      I AM IN A SHOW, for God’s sakes! “The Medicine Show” which is not only being directed by Kevin Kittle, but also a part of this years NYCFringefest. That’s a pretty big deal.

ü      I have tremendous love and support from my June!  Man, I’ve put her through the ringer…and she’s been great. I don’t know if I could’ve put up with me.

ü      I have a solid support system (Granted, most of them are in Los Angeles---but what the hell! I have them)

ü      My family – even when I need to just go home (which has been pretty often lately)  I love being with them, and I know they love having me. Though I know they feel frustrated as they do not know how to help me…how to “make it better.” 

The thing is, most of this crap is all inside my head, my own doing; my fears manifesting themselves in this melee of doubt and uncertainty. I cannot live in this as these fears and doubts may come to fruition by my own hand.  My task is to continue to channel this anxious energy into something productive and progressive, into creating a life I want to lead. I must force these feelings to work for me rather than they paralyzing me into inaction. 

I must admit, for the first time I am asking myself the hard questions: 

     How long can I do this?

     How much longer should I try?

     Is this what I am supposed to do with my life? In this capacity? 

The fact is, I am reaching a point in my life where I must begin to think more long-term. I have to really consider what the future holds for me, and what (how much) I can really afford to sacrifice anymore. I don’t speak of “giving up” as much as… 

Living responsibly? 

I’ve been working too hard for too long to give up now. BUT… 

In a year, I must take a hard look at what progress has been made and honestly evaluate things, and go from there. That is all I can do right now.

As Abraham Lincoln wrote (and I have stated before),  

     “I will work and get ready, and perchance my chance will come.” 

I will not sit and wait for “my chance.”  I must make it happen.  

Although the other side of that coin is a possibility I do not like to acknowledge, much less speak –  

What if my chance doesn’t come? 

My challenge is to focus on what MAY BE, rather than what I may not get; what I possess, rather than not. Progression not Regression.

YEAR 3

June 10, 2007

The end is now the beginning. 

I have completed my Master’s Degree at Mason Gross School of the Arts, Rutgers University. My life, as I knew it for the past three years is over. As that life in which I grew and prospered ends, I enter the beginning of, quite literally, the rest of my life.

 That’s a bit to ponder, huh? 

Our New York Showcase went very well (relatively). That is to say, for having not the greatest space, performing on Mother’s Day weekend, and having a moderate turnout at best, we (Rutgers) stood out as the most solid of Showcases. The majority of us (myself included) did well. In fact, I now have an agent. It was official as of Thursday, June 7. I am very excited. In fact, here’s how small a world this industry is: My new agent, used to be the agent of an old friend and mentor of mine (from Los Angeles), Robertson Dean.  Through Rob’s advice, I decided to sign with Gary, and it feels right. He has a solid reputation for working hard for his clients, and, quite frankly, that is what I need. Needless to say, he and his colleague, Lynne Jebens, are as excited as I am.

 Plus, I have a solid lead into some Voice-Over work. Been working with a prominent V/O Agent in NYC; and with some luck, I’ll be signing with him soon as I’ve already been submitted for work by him.

 Then, two days after showcase, we graduated. How’s that for a swift kick in the ass?! I now have the document that declares me a MASTER of FINE ARTS. WOW!

Still trying to figure what exactly that document qualifies me to do...?

Immediately after that, I began my most favorite chore in the world – I moved. I now live in Jersey City, 2 PATH stops out of NYC. Kinda weird. I live in a Studio, with a loft-bed...it works actually...clears up a lot of floor-space.

 So...now what?

 The end is a beginning. Back to real life, which is strange place to be…again. I’m working on some “day job” options. I have landscaping, which is good. I am also trying to find other flexible, decent paying work. Maybe teaching?

 This is a peculiar place for me. I am one who definitely thrives in structure. Not exactly a constant in an actor’s life; a paradox, if you will. I am in a period of adjustment. I have so many possibilities that, at times, it all can feel overwhelming. As there are no guarantees within the vocation I have chosen, the delicate balancing act starts all over again. I move forward from here, with a faith that I have gained, in school, what I needed to propel myself onward and upward. My faith and confidence tested, I must trust in the work I have done, and embrace the fact (yes, I say FACT) that I am enough and have something valuable to offer.

 I read my first entries from three years ago. I look at the questions I asked; I don’t know if I have any answers, but I know I have more questions.

 Where do I go from here?

Where do I begin?

 How do I get there?

What does the world have in store for me?

 And to my former classmates, my three-year dysfunctional family:

I bid you all farewell.

If it be that some of us ne’er cross paths or words again? So be it. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. I know we did not always get along, and I wasn’t exactly the most social of our mass; it was only because my path, from the beginning, was very different than others. I came to this experience with very different reasons for being there, as I leave very much in the same fashion. Each of our respective journeys was and remains diverse. Perhaps it is we were not meant to be friends at this time, perhaps our friendships have yet to develop? Perhaps not? Either way, I hope you all know, while I did not always agree with…whatever, I did my best to respect you all as people, as well as artists. 

Goodbye, Mason Gross MFA Class of 2007.

May 10, 2007

Back in Manhattan; at another coffee bar; had my 1^st “New York” Audition: Pat McCorkle called me in for an understudy part that pays OK. I honestly don’t know how I did, I must allow myself to “know” I am good enough. I feel it often, but I must now carry that feeling into the professional world. I do hope she was pleased enough to call me in again. Not only is she a lovely person, but also a prominent Casting Director. Wanna keep her happy. Networking, you know?  Anyway…

We are getting ready for our New York Showcase; we have our “Friends and Family” Performance tonight, so we’ll see.  It’ll be a nice dress rehearsal, as I have invited no one. I just couldn’t justify inviting people who have seen me in numerous shows (in their entirety) to travel over an hour and a half to see our last 29 minutes onstage (9 of them, contain me).  

My apartment is a mess, but there is no point in cleaning as I move next week. I keep telling myself, “In 2 weeks it’ll all be over.” It is amazing how important having a livable place is to me. I am unsettled, unable to completely relax. I must work on that, I know. 3 years!!!! Jesus! I can’t believe it’s almost all done.

At the behest of my parents, I am going to graduation. How could I deny them? They wanted to go—We are going. Simple as that. The LEAST I could do for them after all. I owe them so much, almost anything I can think of feels inadequate. I am so fortunate to have them. They have been nothing but loving and supportive.  I do not only speak of Grad School; in everything. I love them both so much.

I’ve started packing…

I am in a Waiting Place…

April 29, 2007 

Back on the Left Coast…and what a wild ride it’s been. I am sitting in my favorite coffee bar hangout in LA, The Bourgeois Pig, as I write this; my old home away from home. I am very reflective, thinking of my journey to this place, here an now. 

It almost feels like I never left. Of course I have, and I’ve have this whole other experience; but, driving in LA traffic, seeing old friends, old places. It is weird being back as I have changed so much: physically and mentally (spiritually and emotionally). I’m still not sure if I like it here. 

Anyway, the showcase (damn I keep doing that…PRESENTATION) was wonderfully received. The best reception I have received, ever!  June did really well also, probably the best of all of us (not surprising!) Industry people REALLY appreciated the brevity of the Presentation (29 Minutes!) and were unanimous in their opinion that it is pretty solid throughout. 

Then life has a funny way of showing up, uninvited. Almost immediately following our last performance, June had an abscess tooth that flared up within a few hours. After an evening in the ER, Hamish called his dentist (THAT GOD!!) and from there we went to an oral surgeon who drained an extracted her tooth!!! Several 100 $$$, and a ton of antibiotics later, June was on the mend and it was all over. Despite all that, an after some creative, on-the-fly rescheduling, we were able to keep our meetings and get “the business” done. The only real sacrifice was any recreation time we had planned: we weren’t able to go to Santa Monica, Venice, nor Pasadena (really wanted her to see Huntington Gardens!) But for another time... 

Sincerely, for such a dreadful situation, it all could not have gone better, mostly thanks to Hamish. Thank you Hamish! 

Met up with Denise an Naomi, saw Laurie and Owen, Johnny and Rob, A Noise Within (they lent us cubes!—Thank YOU!!!)…saw people I wasn’t expected to see: Archie, Ken, John, Perry, Terry…Saw my old teacher, Morgan, briefly. It was lovely. Made me appreciate what I still do have here. As much as I bitched and moaned about this place, I did have much to be grateful for; good friends, solid support, love. In fact, for me, the ‘Friends and Family Night” was more nerve-racking than the actual Industry Presentation. I had about 20 people there; it was wonderful and overwhelming. I always have an unease about hose types of social gatherings because I inevitably feel as if I’m ignoring someone. For instance, one of my friends, Johnny, came and we only had a brief moment or two afterwards and then he left. It turns out he knew one of our alumni who attended, Jordan Baker (whom I never got a chance to meet), plus we ended up having a nice lunch together. Which was great, and he got to meet June. 

Anyway…blah, blah, blah 

Being asked over and over again, “Are you coming back?” forced me to actually think about it. I did, a lot. Factoring all the good stuff that happened here: meeting with networks, agents, managers… I have a lot to think about. The one thing I do know is right now I still have New York to factor, and judging how LA went, I could be in for something very interesting. My answer still is: Bi-Coastal. I know that may be cliché, but it’s true. Knowing that I have a firm support system in place here in LA, and a pretty solid parléz into NY, I feel this is more than possible. 

People’s reaction to me (my physique as well as my acting) was pretty flattering. Growth has occurred: artistically and personally. 

I am getting ready to head on a plane back to NJ. So much change is in store for me. Immediately after graduation I move and then who the hell knows what. I am, for the moment, OK with it all.  

As I learned in my research for Proof, I can “either die in the struggle, or relax into it.”

April 16, 2007 

Perspective. 

That is the word for the time. Keeping perspective. Our Los Angeles trip is dangling before us like a Damocles, and as one of my classmates described, everybody’s “crazies” are coming out: whether it is which dress one should wear for our bow, and should one change for the reception, or the reflexive, defensive behavior that rises to the surface when working a new scene and one can’t grasp what’s going on, or whatever…the list goes on. Believe me, the list goes on. 

It may be coincidence, or fate, that I am currently reading, To Kill a Mockingbird right now. Yes, it is as a matter of fact, the first recreational read I have been able to enjoy during my Grad School experience.  Reading the most famous quote from the book as well as the movie, it made me think. It put some things into perspective. 

Here are the sage words of Harper Lee, through the great American hero she created, Atticus Finch:                                                  

     “ ‘First of all’ he said, ‘ if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider thing from his point of view.”
        ‘Sir?’
        ‘—Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.’”

 What am I saying? Well, it hit me the other day. If one never went through any of this stuff before (i.e. showcase, living outside of school, etc.), it easily can be seen as an extremely overwhelming thing. So much is unknown, even for me. But because I’ve been through all this many times, I do have a very different perspective than most of my classmates.

 I must be mindful, and respectful everyone else’s experience. Furthermore, I cannot expect them to just “take my word” and be at ease. They must experience all this on their own, on their own terms, and draw their own lessons from it all. And I, doing all of this again, not only must be open to the new lessons I must learn, but also relearn those I believe to already know. Thus allowing myself to gain a NEW perspective.

April 12, 2007

So much can change in so little time… 

Remember how I was enjoying the fact that I had everything set? Scenes? Pics? Etc. Well, one of my scenes, my meatiest…got scrapped. The powers that be hated it. So this week has been a somewhat frenetic attempt in finding a replacement scene. Thankfully, it is my scene with Julie. I mean, we are both able, and quick studies…we have 95% narrowed down our search. What’s fun about this whole thing is that next Wednesday (5 Days!) we have our Dress for Joe Mancuso’s Theater Appreciation class (my TA this semester). So the pressure’s on. 

Then…

I’ve found a new home in Jersey City: A studio with much convenience (PATH accessible, Parking, Laundry on premises, ALL utilities included! Nice!) Now, I have to break my lease here. If I find someone to move in…I’m all good. So I’ve been searching. I sign my lease next week, and am looking to move in May 15, and have my old place rented for May 31. A little apartment “Dos-ee-Do.” 

Up side…?

I have so much other “shit” to think about, that I have been able to be so relaxed about the actual showcase. You know?  In fact, a wise teacher of mine recently told me that I (we) are in the midst of a hurricane, and the most calm part of any hurricane is within the eye. So, I am embracing the fact that I am in a hurricane and I am relaxed in the center to the best of my ability. 

Tick – Tock…

March 23, 2007

1 Month until LA.  Scenes have been picked out, headshots have been chosen, reservations made, itineraries finalized, and so on. Wow…we’re here. 

All we have to do now is endure the freak-outs, panic-attacks, and unsubstantiated feelings of inadequacy. Do the work, keep it about the work, for it is only the work that matters…yes? While I KNOW this to be true, I also have to keep repeating it to myself as a mantra. So much is beyond my (our) control, I can only focus on that which I can control. 

Outside of “school?” I am looking for a new apartment .

(Moving again!....FUCK!!!!) 

The area in which I am targeting to move, I’m still learning about: where are the nicer areas, where things are? best ways to get in NYC and locales nearest to the PATH, etc.  I admit, I am not so concerned with moving, it’s just the fact that I have to do it again. Christ I think this is the 12^th time for me. 

Getting the final details and the actual execution of the Showcase (Sorry…”Presentation”) is going to be very hard for me. Some in my class are freaking out a bit, and are trying to grasp at anything they feel they can  “control.” As a result, things that are ultimately not important become over-thought, micro-managed and second-guessed. I lose patience because I know how unimportant many of these issues really are. Furthermore, some are so scared that they are unable (or unwilling) to pay attention to anything unless it directly matters to them. In other words,  

Nothing Happens, until it Happens to Them. 

This is very frustrating as it is difficult to communicate with people like this because no matter how clear you are, they will NOT hear you. So when you continue on with your life and your work, it can be halted and interrupted in an instant when they DECIDE to stop and pay attention to what it is you have been saying for weeks. Then, at that point, you become confronted with questions, and attitudes you worked to avoid. It soon becomes clear that your efforts were in vain because you were communicating on deaf ears, not from malice mind you…but from ignorance. There is no shame in not knowing something. I believe grace comes from the ability to admit to oneself what it is you do not know and trust those around you who may perhaps know more. That does not mean that you cannot still offer suggestions, but when one’s efforts to “work through” their ignorance by hammering their thoughts to everyone else to over-compensate, that becomes counter-productive, as others may feel imposed upon…I believe. When all this comes from a place of NOT Knowing, it is particularly hard to swallow. Furthermore, I know for myself, when it comes to my life and career, if something is imposed upon me from something that I know to not to make sense…I will NOT have it. That is where I must tread lightly: I know I am capable of fighting, and when I do not want to do something, or I believe it to be wrong I cannot be silent. I been through too much, worked too long, and too hard to have people “in crisis” muck it up for me. 

My experience base is so different from most others here. That knowledge has been at the core of my experience here, and have not been able to step away from that fact. But I do not believe I should as I have been getting here EXACTLY what I came for AND what I needed. Not arrogance...Awareness. 

From all this nonsense, the other day it occurred to me that, I’ve been in this situation (in a showcase) SIX TIMES.  I have quite a bit of experience in this. What have I learned from all of them? It is NOT the end-all and be-all here. Another harsh truth I realized: in my 6 respective showcase experiences do you know how many calls/appointments I received? 

Yet, I’m still here. 

Now, what can I conclude from that sobering statistic? 

1. I have been deluding myself for all this time, and therefore lied to by all I work with regarding my talent/ability.
2. I wasn’t marketable enough at the time, or was unaware of how to best market myself.
3. All that is past is what lead me to my place here, and now. I was to go through all that so I may apply what I’ve learned to today. Therefore the only requirement of me is to learn and grow from all these experiences and apply all that knowledge to the present.

 I choose 2 & 3.

 And here’s the thing. While I am more hopeful going into this Showcase than any other, I am also aware of the reality of the harshness of “the business.” 

Strike the word “Hopeful” with “Confident?” Hhhmm…maybe. One may argue that is a matter of faith. Something I’ve been working on this past year. I admit, after living/working in Los Angeles, it is a challenge to have faith. But that’s the point isn’t it? Faith is most precious when it is difficult. Talk about an awareness of how the business works. But I am not in LA anymore (though a Casting Director recently told me that I am more an “LA type” too “edgy” for New York-ironic huh? Though not an insult). 

None of this can be fixed, or cured, or changed really. The only thing that can be worked is my response to these things. Acknowledge that it is not about me, control what I can control, and be the master of my thoughts.