Christopher halladay, BLOG

February 28, 2010

Back in LA…

Yep, therefore I must be at “The Pig.” It’s beginning to feel like a ritual. Whenever I’m here, I think I can only write here at my favorite coffee-shop. Arrived to gorgeous weather. Flew out just as the east was getting nailed, yet again with another shit-ton of snow. Literally just missed it. I arrived at Newark Airport and the board shone red with “CANCELLED” notes on 95% of the flights. Somehow mine wasn’t. Not complaining.

“JPB” (Jason’s Big Problem) is premiering this week. I’ve been pretty good at NOT thinking about it too much…still, the whole thing makes me a bit nervous.

Will people like it?

Will people come?

Will anyone care?

Am I any good?

Blah, blah, blah…you know, the BS we put ourselves through.

I’ve seen the final cut, and it’s REALLY GREAT! I cannot believe all the work that has been put into this project. Mind-boggling. I’m proud of it, yet still my insecurities creep in. See above.

Then, on the other hand, during the opening event of the festival we talked with a prominent industry guy who works for a major distributing house (no names to protect the innocent), and he was VERY excited to see it. He was real psyched to know that we made a “high-concept comedy.” So that felt good. Furthermore, it was cool to have that kind of time (we spoke for 45minutes) with that prominent an industry person (we checked on ImDb, he’s for real). We’ll see.

As always, been meeting up with old friends and familiar faces…GOD I miss them. It’s been wonderful. Naturally, “When are you coming back to LA??” is uttered EVERYTIME I see someone else. It’s nice, actually.

During my time here, I’ve been diligent in keeping prepare for my Theater-History class. It’s weird to work on it here in LA.

Tuesday night is the premiere. We have a red-carpet-my 1^st.

Tune in….

February 4, 2010

Been meeting with some old and new advisor/mentors. Took my agent out for drinks, and the message is the same:

Keep doing what you’re doing.

I fear that my window of opportunity might be closing?

The response to that is:

It hasn’t opened yet.

That is to say, I’m still growing into “my type.” That mid-30’s thing…so, it’s about the strength to keep it up.

So, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing: auditioning, producing, participating in readings, being readers for significant theaters in the area, meeting people, etc.

On another note - I started teaching Theater History. WHAT???

Yes, you read correctly. I am teaching Theater History (from 17^th century-present). It’s exciting and daunting. A TON of material. I’ve been working on it for months now…In fact, last night was the first “real class.” We covered French-NeoClassic Theater. It felt like it went well. I like the students. They seem engaged, they participate in discussion, and I think they might be enjoying the class.

If you put a gun to my head a year ago, and demanded me to imagine myself teaching Theater History – I wouldn’t be able to do it. I cannot believe I am doing this!! But, I get the feeling, it’s going Ok…we’ll see. Basically, the trick is to keep ahead by at least a week.

I’m trying to keep ahead by a month. OCD?

...perhaps

January 11, 2010

A wise friend of mine had suggested to me some time ago, that instead of laying on the Bullshit Resolution list – I should create a different list:

A list of things for which I am most grateful.

So here goes: (CLICHÉ ALERT – there may be some – just lettin’ ya know)

My family – their love and support sometimes staggers me. They believe in what I’m doing sometimes more than me, it seems. (as I write this, my father lays in the hospital recovering from a major episode. I am so lucky that he is my father. I love him so much, and am humbled by his generosity and support. I don’t know what I’d do without him.)

My friends – I’m talking my CLOSE friends. They are few, but mighty. I only wish I could live closer to most of them…

My home – I have heat, a clean, decent apartment. I really can’t complain.
Though I really wish to own soon.

My health – Since Grad school, I’ve been in the best shape of my life. A discipline, a gift from someone whom I will always cherish.

My career – while I constantly strive for more, I cannot deny the opportunities I’ve had thus far. I appreciate every one of them, and look forward to the many more to come.

My teaching – I feel myself growing as a teacher, and I am touched by how students seem to get excited about class. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to grow in this capacity.

I could go on, but I am heading back to PA to be with my Dad.

December 20, 2009

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays Dark Luna from the swift completion of their appointed rounds!

I think we can call “Yuletide Shorts” - a success! Despite the last minute PR effort we had, and a BLIZZARD – we got people in the door, and presented a pretty lovely evening, I think. Pics – coming soon on Facebook, the website….

While it was not a huge event, I was proud of what we accomplished. For the most part, the work we presented was solid, done well, and presented professionally.

For the most part…

We, as a new company, learned a great deal: to assert ourselves more for what we want, be true to our vision, blah, blah, blah… I won’t elaborate, but those involved know what I’m talking about.

Now, we must figure out where to go from here.

Our biggest challenge? Space.

Feels like we have a solid momentum from this….it’s up to us to keep it going.

December 11, 2009

Moving forward on “Yuletide Shorts” : A co-production between Mile Square Theatre and Dark Luna – 2 theater companies I am lucky enough to be a part of.

For such a not-huge event, there is a great deal to do. But it’s nice to work on something, and I know it’s going to be great!

Both “Forged” and “Jason’s Big Problem” are moving forward in the festival front. Look for updates in the “What’s New!” section.

I can’t believe the semester is almost over! I will miss this class. They are a great group of students and never before have I had such a positive experience with an entire class!

Preparing for Theater History next semester is exciting and daunting. Though I am working steadily and I feel it’s going to be just fine. Lots of research, and I’m making headway organizing each class with PowerPoint presentations.

Auditions have gotten more frequent, which feels great!

Next step – Booking!

November 7, 2009

Not much Acting stuff going on. Makes one doubt.

But then you have an audition and a positive response – it’s amazing how validated you feel. Not in the needy way, mind you. Just an affirmation that you are doing what you are meant to be doing. It just feels good, to affect someone – even if it is in the form of a hearty laugh during a monologue. I’ll take it. But I need more… soon.

Teaching is wonderful. This is easily my best class…ever! Each class I’ve had with them, they have risen to the task. If they don’t “get” something, they work to understand. It’s fantastic. Makes me feel like I’m contributing, in some small way, to their lives, their education.

Preparing every day to teach Theater history next semester. A HUGE undertaking.

“Jason’s Big Problem” is moving forward. Trailer and website up soon. Will provide links…promise.

I find myself thinking a great deal about where to go from here. Again, things are slow. VERY slow. I don’t know how much longer I can go at this…much doubt, many questions, evaluating my self-worth.

Lonely.

October 14, 2009

I feel like I’m actually a teacher!

I was privileged to have “one of those classes” last night….GOD! it feels great!!!

This is not about me, but it is an amazing thing to witness an entire class “GET IT.”

This is such a great group of students: open, willing, and able. More importantly, a trust is building within the class, as well as towards me, it feels.

There are a few students who are already providing a fine example of the work, trust and confidence that is necessary to grow as actors, and perhaps as people.

Maybe I am also learning to be a better teacher who can direct and push students harder, while maintaining a positive, safe environment. But, this is not about me. I am thrilled to have been a part of the great work last night.

I only hope it continues…

I was fortunate enough to audition for one of my dream roles last week. It was fun to work the sides, hard, and present it.

Now, I must let it go.

October 8, 2009

Of course, New York and Los Angeles could be considered “regions.”

October 7, 2009

I LOVE my class. Had another great one last night!

We made some wonderful progress as several students allowed themselves to be free enough to living fully in their imaginary circumstances. It is so much more fun when working with students who are WILLING to make the leap of faith to “just do it.” Great spirits, and solid students. My best class at Rider, yet. I don’t want to let them down.

I must acknowledge that I, too, am probably learning to be a better teacher. Not GREAT, but better. I’m allowing myself to be a little tougher, yet I hope I am still enabling a safe, supportive environment in which the students are able to take risks.

I have been contemplating the direction my life lately; where my path has been leading me. I have been making steady progress on both fronts: Acting & Teaching.

Acting: New Agent, Shot 3 films and several TV shows just this past year! Great Stuff! One of the films is a major part and will be seen by many throughout the festival circuit (2 films actually, though the other is only a supporting role)

Teaching: Been teaching steadily for 5 years now at 3 different universities. AND I’ve been asked back at Rider to teach Theater History. I accepted. Not only am I tremendously excited, but I also am a bit intimidated. It’s A LOT of prep work. Virtually ALL lecture. But this is a class that after I do once…it’ll be in my repertoire and I can use again, and tweek for the future. Rider has been kind to me, and I am tremendously grateful. Thanks Mir! I also appreciate the trust they bestow when I’m asked to help with their productions. Don’t want to disappoint.

Which leads me to my thoughts. Where am I going?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with landing some teaching position (2-3 classes a semester), while acting at some solid regional theater. What’s the matter with that? It’s never been about fame for me…I just wanna work! I’m never happier than when I’m working. Plus, I admit, it feels good to be on a campus. I enjoy the environment of learning.

Dare to dream!

September 27, 2009

A new semester at Rider. It’s exciting, and I feel like I’m already into a nice groove. Moreover, this group of students (Acting I) are open and receptive. I believe one of the reasons this may work out nicely (my first real class earlier this week went swimmingly), is because none of them are actors. I’m not disrespecting my fellow artists, but non-actors have no, or fewer pre-conceptions…which is nice.

Also have started working on a new Blog entitled, “Working in and around the Business of Acting.” I’ll put out a link after I’ve added a few more posts. I also have some other ideas that should be seeing the light of day in the near future…will let you know when things are posted…I’m excited. Creating a bigger presence, online, and hopefully, within the biz itself.

Things are moving forward with Dark Luna Theater Company – shot a couple of videos which should be online soon. Also, I just viewed a rough cut of “Jason’s Big Problem.” Wow! Even my tendency towards skepticism was overridden….very funny! And I’m shocked to say, I am pleased with my work. Now the balance of fantasy and reality are getting even more blurred. The potential this project has is tremendous…now we wait and see. Sundance received it…we should know by early December if it made it in.

Ready to sink my teeth in something else…I hate not working…

September 1, 2009

So, I’ve been back from LA for a few weeks now...head officially screwed up about moving there. So many good friends there, my BEST friends, brighter environment, etc. My head knows NYC is where I belong, but the heart pulls West again..AAAAGGGGHHH! Is nothing easy?

Anyway, so today, walking back from Columbia U., and I bump into 3 people I knew in LA!!!!

Coincidence? Is there some hidden message I am to receive?....I don’t know.

Weird.

“Jason’s Big Problem” is wrapped. Shooting went very well for me. The producers were THRILLED with my work. Which is fantastic. I am anxious to see the completed project, and am curious to see what kind of legs it grows in the coming months. A lot of quality work: front and back of the lens.

I recently participated in a Chia Messina project, UGLY PORTRAITS. Check it out her blog!

Was fun!

Otherwise, plodding along…I start my 3^rd semester at Rider U. in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that. Auditioning, weighing options, keeping my head above water – barely, you know the story.

Same ole, same ole.

Grateful for what I’ve had, and what I have.

July 11, 2009

Having much to think about…

While I am fully aware that any move back to Los Angeles is still AT LEAST a year, probably two, away…I find myself thinking about it much more seriously these past days. It doesn’t help when EVERYONE asks me, “When are you coming back?” with huge smiles on their face. That’s facetious…it actually feels really good to have so many people want you back. Fact is, I also miss them terribly. It has been wonderful seeing old friends and catching up…I am so lucky to know so many great people.

Plus, I’ve always maintained that LA is SO much fun…when you’re working.

Have to stay focused. The East coast is still where I should be. Barring, of course, any unforeseen opportunities.

July 7, 2009

Exhausted…. What a week!

95% of my stuff is in the can. I have to say, I feel pretty good about the work I put forth. The producers, and the writer-director could not have been more pleased. Despite the exhaustive long hours, and the pace at which we found ourselves working, most of us were having a tremendous amount of fun.

Feels good to have the performance so well received, especially after such hard work.

I’ll say it again…it feels like there’s something special about this project. I feel it will yield benefits for a lot of people involved.

I also met some awesome people!! The director/writer, the D.P., the crew, cast, and of course, the producers – all awesome people.

I look forward to seeing how this project moves forward. What type of exposure this gives, or if this will become a spring-board for anyone involved.

While I am excited about the possibilities….I must not count on anything.

June 27, 2009

The Bourgeois Pig… My favorite LA café. It’s good to be back!

I had my first day of shooting yesterday, and I felt good about how it went. We got behind schedule, but that is to be expected.

While I have much work to do, I am grateful for the prep work I did back in NY. Here’s a shout out to my friend, and coach, Wes! Thank you buddy! Our work together has provided me some solid footing. I’m working from a grounded, truthful place, while at the same time, hitting the comic points. I feel good. Must stay focused and ready. I have A LOT of work to do, yet.

Met up with some AADA friends last night at Trader Vic’s…was interesting – a “reunion” of sorts; 10 years! Jesus. Not a lot of people showed, but those who were there, it was nice to see again, and catch up. Most people seemed to have left town, AND the pursuit. Pretty cool to see where some people’s paths have taken them. How could I NOT go? Since I was in town, the timing seemed to suggest that I SHOULD go.

It’s weird in a way to be back. Hard not to think how different my life was when I was here last; 2 years ago. Though I find myself liking LA now that I have a little more perspective. I could live here, again…when the time is right…if the time gets right.

Onward and Upward!

June 17, 2009

I fly out to LA in a week to shoot a film. Very exciting, and a bit nerve-racking. It’s a significant part, and terrific opportunity. I need to be on my game, and NOT act. I’ve been working on the script every day, but at the same time, I’m trying not to over-saturate myself with it.

“Guiding Light” was fun. I had a pretty funny scene; we had to shoot it a few times because people were breaking and cracking up. A nice problem…especially since it wasn’t me who was breaking.

It’s going to be great to be back in LA. I’m looking forward to seeing as many old friends as I can.

May 24, 2009

The semester ended, and I must admit, my students, on the whole, were a pleasure. I feel like some of them actually learned something. I wish them well. I have been asked to return next semester, if they are able to fill another class. I hope to continue teaching at Rider, as I have learned so much regarding teaching.

The Acting career is progressing well.
In addition to finding a new agent, I have two films coming up. One shoots next week: a fun horror production, “Experiment 7,” with this pretty crazy and cool production company, SouthPaw Productions.
The other is in Los Angeles. I don’t want to say too much about it right now as many details are still being ironed out….but all looks very good. It’s a major part and a very funny script.

I’m anxious for the momentum I seem to have to keep going. I’m working hard, and I feel I’m starting to see its dividends.

May 2, 2009

Well, the times, they are a-changin’

Lot’ a forward motion, it seems. ..and I’m psyched!

I just moved to a new agency, which is tremendously exciting. It is wonderful to be in a room full of people who “get” who and what you are, and are excited to work with and promote you. This is a feeling I have not had since I’ve been here quite frankly. Not to be talked down to, but to be lifted up. Not to be treated as an intrusion, but to be taken in as a member of a team.

I am elated!

I am pursuing my Yoga certification (though that effort has been briefly postponed), which has already enhanced my teaching. I look forward to completing that process. For a while I was practicing fairly often – felt awesome. Though as of late, my practice has slipped a bit. Not to worry.

As I mentioned, teaching is going better. This semester’s class, while is not without its hurdles, is going so much smoother. They are challenging, but much more open, and I THINK…they might be learning something. I still question my abilities as a teacher:

Am I too demanding?

Are my points clear?

Are my expectations realistic?

In addition, the topic of language (i.e. profanity) has come up on more than one occasion. I have strong opinions about that fact. While my mouth can be loose in class, I NEVER direct it to anyone personally. Something I make clear at the beginning of the semester. Any and ALL CRITICISM is ABOUT THE WORK, ONLY. Nothing is personal. But with regard to language, I do not discourage profanity because I believe it is ESSENTIAL that students feel free to express themselves by any means necessary – in a safe way, of course. How can expression, and honoring one’s impulse be promoted if they are worried about getting in trouble for speaking some type of profanity? My solution – just say the shit! Get it out! Don’t censor yourself!

FUCK IT!

Anyway, maybe I need to make the point more clear at the top of the semester.

All-in-all, it’s a good patch…solid, forward motion.

February 1, 2009

It’s the economy, stupid!

Man, is it rough out there these days. So much has dried up, and it is easy to be discouraged. I’ve been doing what I can to cut expenses, though I’m sure there is much more that I can, that I should do. I haven’t eaten out at a restaurant in ages (doing a lot more cooking at home – upside: my personal menu has expanded quite a bit, getting braver with my culinary experiments – yum!), haven’t gone out much for that matter. While I know that is helping my financial health, I fear my social life might be suffering a bit. No, it is…period.

I’m trying to open myself to different social circles, as well as open myself up to new employment possibilities. For instance, I begin Yoga Teacher Certification next month. I am very excited, not only will I be qualified to teach (more income potential), but I will also be introduced to a new and different populous, something I truly need. But, most importantly, when I do it, Yoga, I mean…it just feels good. There is a spiritual level that I am interested in learning more about.

I am also looking to get involved in more community-based projects. I am feeling a little too self-absorbed and selfish these days, especially when I am often too consumed by – the career and all the subsequent Bullshit with all that. To be frank, I’m getting tired of it: the constant struggle, the surrounding fellow actors cackling about this almost gotten part, or that blown audition, or “did you hear about…” AAAAGGGHHH! so much that is not important. And I get caught up in it too…I’m not above it. It’s just I’m so disappointed in myself when I do. There is so much more important things going on outside ourselves. MY GOD! The history we all have witnessed in the last few weeks. The state of the world, and what we must do to climb out of it, etc. With that, with this huge situation we all face, I feel a massive transition, a gigantic change is in store for all of us. As frightening as it may be, I am choosing to view it all as opportunity. What kind? Or how?

I don’t know.

Weird, as I have been doing more Yoga, I find myself releasing my clutch to it all. Whatever happens? happens…when it happens (of course, it never seems to happen when you want it to...it happens in it’s time). What does “happens” even mean?

With regards to “the career”…I am looking to expand myself to other markets as well. I have taken meetings with Agents in the Philadelphia area…why limit myself?

I started an Acting class with an old teacher, mostly to flex my muscles as it were, to stimulate myself, keep the skills honed.

I also booked a film!: my 2nd SAG Feature in 6 months! (I still count Ang Lee’s, “Taking Woodstock.” – the man picked me for God’s Sake…I still enjoy that fact). Forward motion…progress…AWESOME! It is an Indie Film entitled, “Forged.” I play a not-so-nice Foster-Dad whose primary motivation for taking in kids is the gov’t $$. My agent and I are happy, as we seem to be closing in on how I am the most marketable: seedy, sleazy sorts who are guilty of something. Type casting?

Of course, it affirms the only solid rule in this career: if you want work, plan something else. What I mean is, my shoot directly conflicts with the beginning of my Yoga Certification Program…so that’s great! It’ll be fun negotiating that little conflict. It’ll work out.

I started my 2nd semester at Rider last week. I am excited and so grateful! The fact they asked me back was a tremendous compliment. Especially since last semester was a constant battle of the wills, especially with my “Advanced” class. Never in my (albeit brief) experience had I face such resistance. While I had 3 to 4 solid students, for which I was grateful, over half the class received grades of “C” or less. We’re not talking talent issues here…we’re talking, JUST DOING THE WORK! One student didn’t even hand in his final paper!!! Several didn’t READ THE PLAY from which their final scenes were assigned! I was floored. This seemed to be a refusal to comprehend the amount and kind of work that is absolutely required in this craft. I guess that is why my own experience in this quest far too easily beleaguers me: I too often see half-assed work being accepted, or rewarded. BUT…enough of that.
I also cannot ignore the strong possibility that I failed them in some way. Perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? Or inappropriate? I was talking to a close friend/teaching mentor about my experience-we both acknowledged that, yes…”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

BUT

I can get better at making them thirsty. I need to learn how to do that better.

This semester’s class however, seems to be a refreshing change thus far. I sense openness within them, and an eagerness to learn. Perhaps, I also have learned a thing or two during my tenure there…?

As I write this, I see and acknowledge the progress I have made and seem to continue to make. Why can’t I find comfort that I am doing what I can? Is it perhaps because I can do more? When does persistence and patience become unrealistic and disillusioned?

Finally, I remind myself EVERY DAY all of which I have to be grateful for:

*My tremendously supportive family – it is amazing how much they believe in what I am working towards.
*My friends. I would be truly alone without them – their faith and support affirms my belief in myself. (it sucks they’re so far away)
*My education
*My ever-growing abilities
*My health (I am still in the best condition of my life – while there is still
heart-ache, I cannot deny the life-long gift that June has given me)
*My experience – I’ve been around. I’ve done some things. I won’t undermine that.

I could go on…but I won’t.

“Without Struggle, There can be no Progress.” – Frederick Douglass

November 5, 2008

Rarely does an historic event so significant come around…to live through one is incredible, especially one so monumental. I am proud to be its witness.

Never in my life have I been so filled with…yes, I will say it…

Hope.

It feels good to know that sometimes…SOMETIMES…we can get it right.

Our first step. The first of many…

I hope.

November 3, 2008

This evening I drove through the woody regions along the Hudson River, north of New York City. The smell of autumn is in the air, the cool night breeze is blowing through the oppressive trees that hang overhead barely obstruct the crescent moon that hangs in the misty night.

Why am I here?

I just finished a chamber theater reading of Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” This piece was produced by the up and coming, Off-World Theatre Company in Piermont, NY. Piermont is across the river from Tarrytown, AKA Sleepy Hollow, you could see it from where we were…so it was kind of cool to tell this story in the area of its origin. Moreover this was a great group of people and we all worked together very well. I was very lucky to be a part f it, and I am grateful to have crossed paths with everyone involved. It is projects like this that keep me excited to be in this profession.

Otherwise…plugging along.

I find myself being the guy that “those things” are happening to…

For instance, several weeks ago, I auditioned for a part, along with a former classmate. He ended up getting the part, and naturally I was happy for him, while secretly envious at the same time - the actor’s constant inner struggle. Anyway, so after negotiating through that path of disappointment, I got a call from my agent informing me that the same show was offering me another part, flat out – no audition!

So, there it is, living proof…just because you didn’t get the part, doesn’t mean you didn’t have a good audition. We hear this shit all the time, but until it happens to you…you never really believe it.

I love these types of victories, affirmations, etc.

Teaching is going well. I feel as if I may be gaining the trust of the upper level students. They have seen the benefits of the type of work I am expecting and they seem excited about it. Trust and respect has be growing and it feels good to witness their progress. There are still daily battles, but I believe I am also learning how to be a better teacher. It was pretty frustrating for a while, but a friend/mentor of mine has helped me put things in perspective…not taking things personally has been my major challenge. Tis my nature…when I commit to something, I put my heart in it. It is dangerous when you expect the same from others….expectation often leads to disappointment.

Anyways, I think the school is happy, as they have offered me a position next semester.

I accepted.

Progress.

September 30, 2008

It has been a while, I know...just didn’t feel like writing much.

The summer was long and slow....

I spent a lot of time working at home, helping my family, and working on the properties my brother and I own back in West Chester, PA.

Eric and I are moving forward on the play we are looking to produce. We have a director for the project and are currently looking for space. Details to follow as more elements become secure.

Auditioning, Auditioning, auditioning. Friends of mine who have been out longer are starting to have more things happen, so that is not only wonderful for them, but also encouraging for me. As was discussed in my recent meeting with my agent: it takes 1 to 3 years to “get out there.” While I’ve had a great 1st year, I can’t settle.

I recently had “one of those stories” happen to me. I was recently cast in a feature film by an “A-List” director, which was F***ING COOL....only to find out weeks later that the scene was cut. SUCKS!!!!!!

But

I have to hold on to the positives. In the end...I did get the part, I caught the eye of a major director, and am getting noticed. Many good things there that I must not dismiss.

As you may have noticed, I also had some new headshots taken. My agents’ and I are VERY happy with how they turned out.

I also started teaching at Rider University. This is a wonderful opportunity and I’m excited to be working there. While it is an adjunct position, there is hope that I will be hired on a permanent basis. We’ll see.

For now, I am looking to do my job well, and, more importantly, teach my students to behave and think like actors.

Today is my father’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dad!

May 13, 2008

I had good couple of days.

I made my Daytime TV debut last week with “All My Children.” A lot of fun, and a very cool thing…what is particularly hilarious is how some of our family friends WENT NUTS about it…the thing is…I only had 1 LINE! Kinda funny to me. Not to make light of it all…it felt good to get the part.

I was updating my resume to include some additions, as well as some reformatting and, my god…I’ve had a really good year! Yes, I always wish for more, I work for more, BUT… I have to be grateful for the work I’ve done thus far and take none of it for granted.

I had an interesting evening last week as well; I attended the BA Acting Program’s (Rutger’s University) Final Presentation, wherein several of my former students performed. This class is the culmination of the BA Acting Program’s entire curriculum, led by my good friend Stacie Lents – who wrote a play for them!!! It was pretty amazing all the way around: great material, wonderful performances. Watching them perform was such a moving experience as I was beaming with pride; witnessing their growth, seeing how far they’ve come. And, I must say, there were some tremendous performances as well; very brave and courageous work. One of my former students, Michael, had a moment that was absolutely inspiring – he had an improv moment that was just awesome. I may be gushing a bit, only because my improv skills are pretty lame…he just blew me away! Nicole, Maddie, Lena, Corynn, David and Kayce made me so proud. Whiiel I am singling out my former students, there was some other strong work among the others. In addition, to observe how touched they were that I came… and I do not mean this egotistically…this is not about me here, but I was tremendously flattered by their response to my attendance. We shared an experience together, and that experience clearly had meaning for us all. For Them: to tangibly feel the results of their hard work over the past 2-3 years. For Me: to know I played some small part in their growth.

This is all new to me, and it feels really good. This is part of something I have been working out for myself for some time now: How to Live an Artistic Life.

I have been looking back on things lately, and I am able to see how my life, my choices, myself have changed since I began this pursuit in art, in acting.

I look/see things differently, more completely?... maybe? I don’t know. I find myself making choices I wouldn’t have made a few years ago. For instance, I just quit my job. I wasn’t happy there, so I quit. I found myself not liking the way things were going in that part of my life…so I changed it. I don’t have another job lined up at the moment, but something will happen. I feel it. In fact, as soon as I gave my notice, other opportunities started presenting themselves: i.e. I am more actively pursuing my Teaching/Coaching career - coincidentally, I have an interview for a teaching position in NJ…so, you know…who knows?

This is new for me. Yes, of course, I’m nervous, but in the same vein, I believe things will work out.

April 20, 2008

My life, these days, has been made up of work, exercise, job hunting and readings…lots and lots of readings. Some have been pretty cool, other REALLY BAD. Did a fun one the other day at the Neighborhood Playhouse, it was a fundraising event and I was in a very fun piece, “On the Williamsburg Bridge,” by Alvin Levenstein. IT was quite a compliment to be complimented by him afterwards. Can’t really do better than that. My director, was Eric Michael Gillett (played my father in W:AC). The man has an incredible sense for comedy…I had a lot of fun working with him. The evening went well. Then, another, well…let’s just say…the person who asked me to do this other reading, greeted me with a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” Wow! Was this thing a turd…lesson learned? Just because one CAN write something…doesn’t mean that they SHOULD!!!!

Currently, I am in, what Dr. Seuss calls, “The Waiting Place.”

You can get so confused

That you’ll start in to race

Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting

Waiting for a train to go

Or a bus to come, or a plane to go

Or the mail to come, or the rain to go

Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

Or waiting round for a Yes or No

Or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

Or waiting for wind to fly a kite

Or waiting around for Friday night

Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

Or a wig with curls, or another chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

I take issue with one line here. “…a most useless place.” Yes, it CAN be a useless place, but I don’t believe IT IS a useless place. I believe one MAKES IT as useless place. We all find ourselves here at some point in our lives, more than once. It is how we face our own “Waiting Place” that defines us, I believe.

NO!

That’s not for You!

Somehow you’ll escape

All that waiting and staying.

You’ll find the bright places

Where the Boom Bands are playing.

That being said, I am submitting my CV to places where I would like to teach, I am exploring plays that I could co-produce and star in, as well as short films. I am writing, or at least working on writing…That shit is HARD. I am exploring job options, business opportunities, etc. We must work to make our opportunities.

This is where I am, now.

March 31, 2008

Things have settled down a bit. My life has been comprised of work, auditions (had some great ones –even if I don’t “get the part,” I made a great contact…always important!), and readings (which is great…I am grateful for the outlet). In addition, I making sure to follow-up with the industry as far as who came to the shows, who I’ve met, etc. I never lose track of that stuff…my lists are growing.

My lease is up at the end of May and I’m not sure if I will stay in my studio, or try to find something better.

I find it is important during these “lull” times to keep myself stimulated; whether it be with reading, classes (I should find one – that fits my schedule), or other means. For instance, I have been hammering away at an idea for a book I have had for a while. I am not writer, but I am aware of the writer’s first rule: just write. So I do. It is hard, and I have tremendous respect for anyone who can do it. Speaking of which…I had the pleasure of going back to Rutgers (for the 1^st time) to see one of the graduating playwright’s thesis play, “puree’” by Demetra Kareman. It was wonderful! I am so proud of her, to know he, and I truly hope we can work together some time. Next week is, “Right Place, Right Time,” by Lia Romeo. She is a wonderful graduating playwright as well. I can’t wait.

It was nice to go back and visit (while I wouldn’t want to live there!). See old friends, offer an encouraging word; especially to the 2’s right now…God! What a bitch of a year that is, year 2…I see it on their faces and am glad that it’s not me…while admittedly, I do miss it, and I told them as much. Why? Because of the constant work, the immersion in what I love doing. But I would not want to go back. I only appreciate it more, now.

Talking to them all…they asking me questions about the work I’ve done, hearing about the shows…legitimately proud of what I have done thus far. It feels good, yet I keep it in check. It doesn’t get to my head. I remain sure to never lose my feeling of gratitude…taking nothing for granted.

Auditioning…working towards that next project.

March 13, 2008

“Warning: Adult Content” has closed. I have to say, that that is just fine. This was an extremely challenging project, I learned quite a bit. The overwhelmingly positive thing? I met some tremendous people, all of whom I am grateful to have in my life. I know I sound like a parrot, but the cast was a joy. In the end, I found myself working as hard as I did, for them. We were in this together, and we held each other up.

To all of you I say, “Thank you.”

I am currently rehearsing a 1-Act in this year’s 7^th-Inning Stretch, for Mile Square Theatre in Hoboken, NJ. I am actually reprising my role as Zender in Dano Madden’s, “The Save.” It is a lovely piece with a lot of heart in it. I am flattered to have been asked to do it again, and I am enjoying the opportunity to dig deeper into the flawed, broken, reborn character that is Zender. Furthermore, I have the opportunity to work with Gaye-Taylor Upchurch, our director. She has an eloquent way about her, with the patience of a saint. I trust her guidance on this project. What is really wonderful, I don’t feel I am repeating much of what I did before…this will be a fresh new look, while still being true to the playwright’s voice.

I hope I can work with her again, truly.

I’ve been auditioning, which is nice. Had a terrific audition for a Promo….did awesome…had the room dying…didn’t get it. Go figure. That is the way it is. Have to be happy that the CD’s were pleased and will call me in again when the opportunity arises. Making good impressions, building a solid reputation…and there it is.

February 25, 2008

Well, we “Warning: Adult Content” has opened. I still don’t know what to make of it. The responses, by audiences, have been mixed it seems: some houses are loud and active, some are quiet and subdued. Feedback from my trusted friends have been positive. Again, I have to acknowledge, the cast is phenomenal; I am proud to be working with them.

This play has been tremendously challenging. The intimacy that must be portrayed by Julie and myself, as a married couple who set up an online Adult website, is pretty intense. In fact, the final scene, which gets fairly raw, becomes about two actors who are just dealing with themselves. Just two people, half-naked (she more than me) just connecting with each other. While it is a pretty cool thing, it’s also very vulnerable as well as scary. I am avoiding looking at any reviews until we are finished. I can’t have any of that cloud my mind while I have a few weeks left in the run.

Younger audiences, one can feel, get uncomfortable with the material...comments, shuffling and inappropriate laughing can be heard during those shows. It is easy to get angry. But I remind myself that very likely, they are reacting to their own discomfort. In addition, it is evident that younger audience are losing the concept of what live theater really is. I know I’m repeating myself, but the MTv world has lost the concept that live theater is, well....LIVE. It is not some inanimate screen that won’t be affected by the talking, texting or conversing that audiences today are prone to do. There is a disconnect in the knowledge that the actors receive that energy, whether positive or not, and are greatly affected by it.

Let me get off my soap-box....

I will be heading back to LA soon as my best-friend, Hamish, is looking to move forward on this short film we’ve been trying to do for some time (I have a little co-producer hat on this one, in addition to being the lead). So this will happen either in the next few weeks, or in the summer. It is happening, just a matter of when. He’s done a lot of preliminary work already. Cool stuff.

I’m plugging along.

January 25, 2008

Yea, yea, yea…I know it’s been a while.

I’ve been working to keep working. Keep busy. Distract. Since the holidays my life has been pretty crazy. I booked a commercial, an industrial, booked a lead in a show, become a landlord…lotsa stuff.

I am fully aware that I cannot complain about the career, especially during a major writer’s strike. My new show is an original piece by playwright, Joseph Gallo; the very playwright who wrote the Baseball Play that June was in, that was apart of Miles Square Theatre’s Annual Seventh Inning Stretch last year (I did it 3 years go), …small world or what! Furthermore, I got called in for this because Chris O’Connor, an MFA Director who graduated my first year at Mason Gross, gave them my name. I love it when things like that happen!

June and I remain apart, and it feels like that is the way it is to be. We met once, about a month ago and had a long conversation. Not only was it was very interesting, but also enlightening. It is amazing how two people can recall the same event in two VERY DIFFERENT ways. Since then we have spoken a few times. No real progress has been made; at least it doesn’t feel like we have. I feel like this is the way it is supposed to be for us now. Maybe we just need time with ourselves for a while, to figure our own “shit” out. Maybe it is really over? I go back and forth between knowing and not knowing. I still think about her every day, and carry a secret wish that it isn’t over. STILL. Shortly after that is my quiet knowledge that it is. I still get confused. Needless to say, the idea of dating is so not appealing right now, I wonder if I’ll ever snap out of this.

Anyway, the show…it is entitled, “Warning: Adult Content.” It is about a married couple that lives in Los Angeles and start up an Adult Website. But what makes the play really interesting, for me, is not only does it push the envelope with the content at times, but the play also addresses some interesting points on how sex is viewed in today’s society. We see Rick’s (my) journey in telling his (my) friends and family, and their reaction to his (my) new life.

I am thrilled to have something to work on, be challenged by, to keep me going. It is a courageous play with a truly solid cast. I know I’m in a good situation when it is who feels like the weakest link. I’m excited to be in this project.

Risky material…challenging circumstances…and a lot of trust.

It feels good. I am so grateful.

December 5, 2007

My life has become a series of firsts. For instance, it is now almost two months since I woke up to my first morning without June. The night before was worse as I went to bed for the first time without her. When “The Runner Stumbles” opened, and I was not able to share it with her, that was a first. Subsequently, when it closed, she was not there to tell me that it will be OK, and what I am feeling is natural and will pass. Granted, I do KNOW all this, but it feels better when someone else is there to walk you through the low points. When I got home the day she cleared her stuff out, that was the first time my home did not have her presence. And now, it has completely lost her smell, for the first time.

I see couples walking, hand-in-hand, and I think of her, of us…what we used to be. I fantasize that maybe we still can reconcile this rift between us, but there is something deep within me that knows that that is not to be.

The holidays do not make it easier…another first. I am battling pretty severe depression. My job prevents me from slipping totally into lethargy. I don’t go out, socializing is an effort. I go home when I can to help my family, that helps…but I need to be with my contemporaries. Everything is an effort.

I am digging deep to find the endurance to continue pursuing this dream of mine. I realize, being just out of school, that I must have continued patience. Although I feel my life has been full of patience - waiting/working for that thing/goal that I wish/hope to attain.

Of course, with the Writer’s Strike, there is nothing going on. Some theater, yes…but still not a lot. I am taking seminars now at The Network, but because there is nothing to be cast….things are kind of tepid. I am however still doing them so as to introduce myself to the industry.

I find myself dealing with the same old questions:
“Who am I?”
“What am I?”
“What do I sell?”
“Where’s my niche?”
Blah, blah, blah…
Next week I will be taking some more pictures with Chia, hoping to get a more solid “character shot” that will be “the one.” I have some good pics already (I went with Chia the last round of pics, and I really like her), but Gary, my agent, wants something a little more off-beat. I have a beard now…so we’ll see I guess.

2007 has been full of high highs, and low lows. I am anxious for this year to end. I am particularly anxious to get past New Year’s, as it will be the one-year anniversary of my failed engagement.

I have to remind myself of my accomplishments and not be so hard on myself.

Time to start anew.

October 25, 2007

We are TECHing “The Runner Stumbles” and it’s pretty cool. It feels good to be a part of a solid production, with a solid theatre company, with some very reputable stage and screen actors. Furthermore, I am grateful to be able to distract myself from my own personal strife.

Getting used to a life without June is very difficult. She was (is?) a big part of my life and I am still very reluctant to fully let her go. As I write this on my laptop, which I brought to the theater, what do I find on this thing? Her pictures from her summer at the Guthrie. That kinda sucked. She is so beautiful…when I looked at them again, they still took my breath away.

I miss my family. I wish I could go home, but I can’t…Thanksgiving will be when I can go home; and only the day at that. They have been so supportive of me, even more-so than before. They have circled the wagons around me sort-to-speak. That is nice, but I do not wish for things to become a “me v. her” thing, my feelings for her are still very strong. I still want to protect her.

While my business prevents me from going home and taking time off, I am thankful that I have much to do….much to distract me…much to keep me from thinking too much...life’s little blessings.

October 15, 2007

This is a hard one. I’ve been dealt a blow I hoped I’d never face.

June and I have ended not only our engagement, but also our relationship. It was just a week ago that we broke up. Apparently, there were some core issues that just could not be surmounted. I thought we had, actually. So when they resurfaced (before graduation, when “real-life” began to creep in), I thought (hoped) we could work through them. I guess we couldn’t

I have been going through the gamut of the emotions: grief, despair, loneliness, and anger. It’s kind of interesting, I feel as if I have been going through the Seven Stages of Death…with the exception of Denial. Although perhaps, the denial phase occurred over the last few months, when I first began to sense something was not right?). Now however, there is no avoiding the hash fact that June is now out of my life…at this time, denial just isn’t an option.

What was particularly devastating was when I came home a few days later (last Wednesday)…she had moved all her stuff out. I have never, NEVER felt more alone in my life. My home felt so empty and solitary I couldn’t stand it. What is worse, during my whole time back in the East Coast thus far, she was (is?) my dearest and closest friend. With the loss of that relationship, the likes of which I never had before, comes much loneliness.

Thankfully, I do have work to keep me busy, though unfulfilling. And I do have the show, which feeds me much more, despite the brevity of my scenes. These distractions enable to keep going.

I will not go into the details of the “why.” That is all too personal. Furthermore, I will not breach her privacy, nor will I disparage her and her beliefs. None of us are perfect, least of all me. Because of the love that still remains for her, all of the anger, pain and betrayal that I feel, I must keep for myself. What I share is my hurt, my sorrow and my sadness.

I can’t help but remember all that she has given me. How much my life has changed just because she was in it. She has changed virtually EVERY aspect of my life: my perspective on things, my patience with others, my diet, my change in my sense of spirituality for God’s sakes! Every moment that I live now has her imprint on it somehow, whether I am talking to a friend about the events of the past week, or doing something that I used to do with her, for her, or something I wanted to do for her, or something she did for me…a sound, and saying, her smell. Everything comes back to her. I was ready to share the rest of my life with her, for better or worse, sickness and in health.

Of course, it wasn’t all bliss; no relationship is. But I believed we could have worked through our differences, compromise, grow together.

There is much I cannot write, should not write, as it is all too personal.

I miss here terribly, and I now have to learn to live without her. I don’t want to, but I have no choice. I cannot deny the love I still, and will have for her.

Despite my pain, sorrow and anger, and as cliché as it may sound, I wish her all the happiness in the world.

September 22, 2007

I got a gig. A milestone of sorts. My first New York credit for which I auditioned. And I believe, technically this will be an Off-Broadway credit (or Off-Off, I’m not sure of the distinction, yet).

Anyway, it is the play, The Runner Stumbles by Milan Stitt. Produced by The Actors Company Theatre (TACT), and directed by Scott Alan Evans, the Artistic Executive Director of the Company. This is a very good thing, a nice credit. Needless to say, the agents are happy. First read is tomorrow.

Things with work are going…smoothly? I think? Perhaps the word I should use is “better.” While I’m getting a firmer grasp on my primary responsibilities, I still need to avail myself to all the miscellaneous stuff to a greater extent, mostly to do with accounting things. I hate accounting.

But it’s a job; a job that frees me to audition, as well as be in shows. Big perks these days.

September 11, 2007

I was walking home from the PATH Train tonight after work. It had rained all day, and the clouds were still traveling across the sky. Beyond the buildings past my apartment, I could see the two beams of light that serve as an annual memorial of 9/11.

I lived in Los Angeles when the attack occurred, and have been in School the years since I returned to the East Coast. This is the first time I have been a first-hand witness of site, as I take the train to the World Trade Center stop, often.

Watching these beams of light pierce endlessly up into the sky is a beautiful, sad and tragic sight.

I cannot adequately describe what I see, and how I feel.

This is the first time I have seen the lights in person.

It all still is overwhelming.

September 4, 2007

I start my new job. I am Production Coordinator at The Network.

I am nervous as I have a lot to do and there is much I am still not sure of. Plus, this is the first office job I’ve had in 10 years! Despite my uncertainty, I have much to be psyched about:

I am not hauling bags of dirt up high-rises.

I am not working in the Food/Beverage biz.

I will not have to pack a change of clothes in a backpack and carry them
throughout the city, and subsequently bath in some public restroom before I put them on.

My Workshop at EST went OK…not my best work, but it was a “work in progress.”

I am so psyched to have finished my 2^nd project there. Worked with some established Broadway actors.

It’s weird…classes started at my old alma mater. Now is when it is really hitting me that I am done school. Appropriate I start my new job the day classes at Mason Gross commence.

I have several auditions coming up; one of which is for the Shakespeare Theatre Company. While I am keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground, I am very excited to audition for them. Naturally, there is a mild fantasy I have about working there…

What’s particularly cool…they called me from Showcase!

I will be getting coaching from my former Alexander Teacher, Greg Seel, so I am as prepared as I can be.

We shall see.

August 14, 2007

“Medicine Show” is up and running. After a rough start (our Dress Rehearsal was our Opening), we seem to have found a groove. Our review was very nice as well, especially to Keith Longo (my awesome deputy! He’s fantastic!) and myself. NYTheatre.com was just lovely about the show. Friends of mine who have seen it all had the same issue I had with the part of the Sheriff…not enough!

Of course, everyone loves the band! Those Lonesome Prairie Boys!

I also have to give out props to a cast-mate: Ryan O’Nan. He not only is performing in our show, but he also wrote and is starring in another show, Animals. Wow! What an amazing show! I was so impressed. The writing blew me away; so funny and clever and smart. I have to admit, I have a new-found respect (I did anyway, but now more-so) for Ryan. And I cannot forget Erin Mortensen and Michael Hirstreet (all BFA’07 grads from Mason Gross)…fantastic performances all the way around! I get moved when I see stuff like that. I really do. I so admire and envy the art of writing…I wish I had that talent. Congratulations Ryan!

This Thursday I start a workshop of a new play at Ensemble Studio Theater. I am very excited about working there again. (I did a reading there a couple of weeks ago. One of my favorite actors–-James Rebhorn was there—so cool!) I hope this project is part of a nice trend…EST is a very reputable off-Broadway Theater.

I’ve been auditioning steadily; slow lately, but considering the time of year, that’s allright…been still steady. I also have been meeting more Casting people by keeping up with seminars around the city at The Network, as well as The Actor’s Connection

As far as the “real life” stuff? Well…still figuring things out. I’m looking into some options. I just registered with the Actor’s Work Fund, which is a great organization. It is a support organization for Artists. Specifically for me, they offer free career counseling, networking seminars, as well as some skills-training. With regards to the career counseling, they understand the artist life of auditioning, therefore help you find a job/career that will not interfere with one’s passion and primary goal.

I am very excited about this. Plus, I am looking to pursue some Graphic Arts skills, and Web Design. I have some experience with it already, plus it’s something I know I enjoy. I also am looking to intern somewhere; a theater, or a casting office perhaps? The thing is, at this point in my life, I am allowing myself to take the time to forge a life that I WANT. I cannot do the restaurant thing, nor the heavy labor thing anymore. I am working to not have to do that.

I am working to give myself permission to leave myself be for a while. I put tremendous pressure on myself to be this perfect, put-together thing and it is OK if I’m not for a while.

I recently finished a mediocre book with a decent message, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The part that spoke to me the most was the point that one need not work to be happy…one may just be happy. In other words, even when things aren’t going the way you might want them to…Ok, fine…one still can choose to be happy. Period. It’s that simple…just be happy. It kind of has “The Secret” kind of thing, without seeming as cultish.

Anyway, so, I am relaxed in my present state, and doing my best to allow myself to be happy. To quote the prolific Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry, Be happy.”

August 3, 2007

Things have been kinda crazy lately. But good.

Working the Landscaping gig, rehearsing “The Medicine Show,” Finishing my ESL certification, auditioning, job searching…you name it.

While things are still a bit unsettled, I feel like I’m slowly getting my bearings. I’ve been putting out a lot of feelers for jobs; focusing on flexible, “temp” type work: “Temping,” Tutoring (hence my TESOL/TEFL certification), internet-based data entry…who knows. All I know is that I am fighting tooth-and-nail the idea of restaurant/bar work (I’ll do it, but only if I have to), and I’d rather not landscape anymore.

While the landscaping is fine, I find it increasingly difficult to do that job while auditioning. You see, I’d be working, and if I had an audition, I’d have to pack a whole set of clothes, and bathe in some public restroom. If I absolutely have to, I’ll do it…again…I just don’t want to. I’m trying to hold out to carve out a life I want. You know? Supplement my life while pursuing my dream.

Which comes to that part…of course, the Acting. I’m in a really solid show, “The Medicine Show.” ( check out the link in “What’s New!”) I am really lucky to be a part of it. The Band…ooh…the band, The Lonesome Prairie Boys are gonna upstage us all (here’s their pod-cast ) They are a great bunch of people, the band. Amazing musicians and just great guys…a lot of fun. A solid cast, great story, and writer and director. I actually feel like I’m a part of something special.

I’ve also been auditioning a respectable amount. More importantly, I feel I’m becoming a little bit known out there. My feedback, thus far, has been solid, and I feel it is only a matter of time before things start happening for me. When? Well, there’s the real question, you know? We’ll just have to see.

But all is well, even I have to admit that.

I am so grateful for what I have, and the possibilities that lay before me.

July 4, 2007

I’m learning to celebrate the little things. To be grateful for what I have and have accomplished.

Yesterday started off kind of monotonous. My landscaping job was tedious at first as we were picking leaves and pine needles out of rocks…fun, right? But then, when we actually started planting stuff…things felt much better. I realize I thrive in progress and when results are achieved. For instance, after a morning of planting, you end up with a beautiful garden.

Right now (on Independence Day), I am staring out my window, watching the fireworks…really cool. Never was able to do that before. Simple…and lovely. Listening to Aaron Copeland (one of my favorite composers). Like my birthday a couple of weeks ago: June and I spent the day together, went to the zoo, then out to dinner. Lovely. I could not, and would not have asked for anything more.

I had a good class, yesterday. The students made some very good progress and I feel like I was able to clearly communicate with them. Sometimes, I fear I speak too much at times, and without clarity and/or substance. But regardless, things went well. They seemed excited about learning and that makes me feel good. I am excited about tomorrow.

I start my ESL Certification soon. I am rehearsing “The Medicine Show.” I am interviewing. I can’t wait til the auditioning really starts…I have a good feeling as the feedback I received from an audition I had a bit ago was really positive. I feel like I’ll be getting attention.

Time will tell…

July 3, 2007

My 1^st month back in the “Real World” has been a period of adjustment that, I fear, will last a least a good year.

I thrive in structure. There’s a news flash! I knew this already, but right now that fact is apparent to me as the nose on my face.

My goal during the past month has been to provide myself with a modicum of stability: Securing a job, re-establishing a workout routine, auditioning, workshops, etc. I am literally starting over again, and I find it not only difficult, but also quite arduous. I am battling within myself an ominous sense of futility, as well as depression. Coming out of a program in which I succeeded and was given praise, the Real World is, seemingly, a harsh slap in the face.

Of course I am fully aware that most of this is in my head. The fact is I haven’t really started yet. The summer is very slow, most of the TV shows are now just starting to cast, if not will be in the next month. And theaters have already cast their summer/early fall productions, so all those have been missed…I’m in another waiting place.

Waiting…

I am sick of waiting. I want to work. I want to work so bad I can taste it. What is worse, is the knowledge that I CAN WORK. I can do this stuff. I have to yield to someone else’s opinion that I am right for whatever job I’m up for. I hate that, but it is an unfortunate factor of this life. I work to remove all other options from their minds. I must leave them with no other decision BUT to hire me.

Of course, the parts I’ll will be in serious contention for are likely to NOT be Leads, or the “really meaty” parts I’ve been given in school. And that’s OK. I am fully aware that that is how it goes.

Furthermore, the fact is, I have so much to be grateful for:

ü I got an agent for God’s sakes…and a good one at that! (Something that didn’t happen to everyone after Showcase) I am one of the lucky ones.

ü I have a job. Two Jobs, actually, and one of them is teaching! The other, landscaping. OK it might not be fulfilling to me. I may not spring up every morning to go to it. But, regardless… I have a job!

ü I am working to obtain more lucrative, flexible work as I am to be certified to teach English as a Second Language. That should make me more desirable as a tutor as well.

ü I AM IN A SHOW, for God’s sakes! “The Medicine Show” which is not only being directed by Kevin Kittle, but also a part of this years NYCFringefest. That’s a pretty big deal.

ü I have tremendous love and support from my June! Man, I’ve put her through the ringer…and she’s been great. I don’t know if I could’ve put up with me.

ü I have a solid support system (Granted, most of them are in Los Angeles---but what the hell! I have them)

ü My family – even when I need to just go home (which has been pretty often lately) I love being with them, and I know they love having me. Though I know they feel frustrated as they do not know how to help me…how to “make it better.”

The thing is, most of this crap is all inside my head, my own doing; my fears manifesting themselves in this melee of doubt and uncertainty. I cannot live in this as these fears and doubts may come to fruition by my own hand. My task is to continue to channel this anxious energy into something productive and progressive, into creating a life I want to lead. I must force these feelings to work for me rather than they paralyzing me into inaction.

I must admit, for the first time I am asking myself the hard questions:

How long can I do this?

How much longer should I try?

Is this what I am supposed to do with my life? In this capacity?

The fact is, I am reaching a point in my life where I must begin to think more long-term. I have to really consider what the future holds for me, and what (how much) I can really afford to sacrifice anymore. I don’t speak of “giving up” as much as…

Living responsibly?

I’ve been working too hard for too long to give up now. BUT…

In a year, I must take a hard look at what progress has been made and honestly evaluate things, and go from there. That is all I can do right now.

As Abraham Lincoln wrote (and I have stated before),

“I will work and get ready, and perchance my chance will come.”

I will not sit and wait for “my chance.” I must make it happen.

Although the other side of that coin is a possibility I do not like to acknowledge, much less speak –

What if my chance doesn’t come?

My challenge is to focus on what MAY BE, rather than what I may not get; what I possess, rather than not. Progression not Regression.

YEAR 3

June 10, 2007

The end is now the beginning.

I have completed my Master’s Degree at Mason Gross School of the Arts, Rutgers University. My life, as I knew it for the past three years is over. As that life in which I grew and prospered ends, I enter the beginning of, quite literally, the rest of my life.

That’s a bit to ponder, huh?

Our New York Showcase went very well (relatively). That is to say, for having not the greatest space, performing on Mother’s Day weekend, and having a moderate turnout at best, we (Rutgers) stood out as the most solid of Showcases. The majority of us (myself included) did well. In fact, I now have an agent. It was official as of Thursday, June 7. I am very excited. In fact, here’s how small a world this industry is: My new agent, used to be the agent of an old friend and mentor of mine (from Los Angeles), Robertson Dean. Through Rob’s advice, I decided to sign with Gary, and it feels right. He has a solid reputation for working hard for his clients, and, quite frankly, that is what I need. Needless to say, he and his colleague, Lynne Jebens, are as excited as I am.

Plus, I have a solid lead into some Voice-Over work. Been working with a prominent V/O Agent in NYC; and with some luck, I’ll be signing with him soon as I’ve already been submitted for work by him.

Then, two days after showcase, we graduated. How’s that for a swift kick in the ass?! I now have the document that declares me a MASTER of FINE ARTS. WOW!

Still trying to figure what exactly that document qualifies me to do...?

Immediately after that, I began my most favorite chore in the world – I moved. I now live in Jersey City, 2 PATH stops out of NYC. Kinda weird. I live in a Studio, with a loft-bed...it works actually...clears up a lot of floor-space.

So...now what?

The end is a beginning. Back to real life, which is strange place to be…again. I’m working on some “day job” options. I have landscaping, which is good. I am also trying to find other flexible, decent paying work. Maybe teaching?

This is a peculiar place for me. I am one who definitely thrives in structure. Not exactly a constant in an actor’s life; a paradox, if you will. I am in a period of adjustment. I have so many possibilities that, at times, it all can feel overwhelming. As there are no guarantees within the vocation I have chosen, the delicate balancing act starts all over again. I move forward from here, with a faith that I have gained, in school, what I needed to propel myself onward and upward. My faith and confidence tested, I must trust in the work I have done, and embrace the fact (yes, I say FACT) that I am enough and have something valuable to offer.

I read my first entries from three years ago. I look at the questions I asked; I don’t know if I have any answers, but I know I have more questions.

Where do I go from here?

Where do I begin?

How do I get there?

What does the world have in store for me?

And to my former classmates, my three-year dysfunctional family:

I bid you all farewell.

If it be that some of us ne’er cross paths or words again? So be it. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. I know we did not always get along, and I wasn’t exactly the most social of our mass; it was only because my path, from the beginning, was very different than others. I came to this experience with very different reasons for being there, as I leave very much in the same fashion. Each of our respective journeys was and remains diverse. Perhaps it is we were not meant to be friends at this time, perhaps our friendships have yet to develop? Perhaps not? Either way, I hope you all know, while I did not always agree with…whatever, I did my best to respect you all as people, as well as artists.

Goodbye, Mason Gross MFA Class of 2007.

May 10, 2007

Back in Manhattan; at another coffee bar; had my 1^st “New York” Audition: Pat McCorkle called me in for an understudy part that pays OK. I honestly don’t know how I did, I must allow myself to “know” I am good enough. I feel it often, but I must now carry that feeling into the professional world. I do hope she was pleased enough to call me in again. Not only is she a lovely person, but also a prominent Casting Director. Wanna keep her happy. Networking, you know? Anyway…

We are getting ready for our New York Showcase; we have our “Friends and Family” Performance tonight, so we’ll see. It’ll be a nice dress rehearsal, as I have invited no one. I just couldn’t justify inviting people who have seen me in numerous shows (in their entirety) to travel over an hour and a half to see our last 29 minutes onstage (9 of them, contain me).

My apartment is a mess, but there is no point in cleaning as I move next week. I keep telling myself, “In 2 weeks it’ll all be over.” It is amazing how important having a livable place is to me. I am unsettled, unable to completely relax. I must work on that, I know. 3 years!!!! Jesus! I can’t believe it’s almost all done.

At the behest of my parents, I am going to graduation. How could I deny them? They wanted to go—We are going. Simple as that. The LEAST I could do for them after all. I owe them so much, almost anything I can think of feels inadequate. I am so fortunate to have them. They have been nothing but loving and supportive. I do not only speak of Grad School; in everything. I love them both so much.

I’ve started packing…

I am in a Waiting Place…

April 29, 2007

Back on the Left Coast…and what a wild ride it’s been. I am sitting in my favorite coffee bar hangout in LA, The Bourgeois Pig, as I write this; my old home away from home. I am very reflective, thinking of my journey to this place, here an now.

It almost feels like I never left. Of course I have, and I’ve have this whole other experience; but, driving in LA traffic, seeing old friends, old places. It is weird being back as I have changed so much: physically and mentally (spiritually and emotionally). I’m still not sure if I like it here.

Anyway, the showcase (damn I keep doing that…PRESENTATION) was wonderfully received. The best reception I have received, ever! June did really well also, probably the best of all of us (not surprising!) Industry people REALLY appreciated the brevity of the Presentation (29 Minutes!) and were unanimous in their opinion that it is pretty solid throughout.

Then life has a funny way of showing up, uninvited. Almost immediately following our last performance, June had an abscess tooth that flared up within a few hours. After an evening in the ER, Hamish called his dentist (THAT GOD!!) and from there we went to an oral surgeon who drained an extracted her tooth!!! Several 100 $$$, and a ton of antibiotics later, June was on the mend and it was all over. Despite all that, an after some creative, on-the-fly rescheduling, we were able to keep our meetings and get “the business” done. The only real sacrifice was any recreation time we had planned: we weren’t able to go to Santa Monica, Venice, nor Pasadena (really wanted her to see Huntington Gardens!) But for another time...

Sincerely, for such a dreadful situation, it all could not have gone better, mostly thanks to Hamish. Thank you Hamish!

Met up with Denise an Naomi, saw Laurie and Owen, Johnny and Rob, A Noise Within (they lent us cubes!—Thank YOU!!!)…saw people I wasn’t expected to see: Archie, Ken, John, Perry, Terry…Saw my old teacher, Morgan, briefly. It was lovely. Made me appreciate what I still do have here. As much as I bitched and moaned about this place, I did have much to be grateful for; good friends, solid support, love. In fact, for me, the ‘Friends and Family Night” was more nerve-racking than the actual Industry Presentation. I had about 20 people there; it was wonderful and overwhelming. I always have an unease about hose types of social gatherings because I inevitably feel as if I’m ignoring someone. For instance, one of my friends, Johnny, came and we only had a brief moment or two afterwards and then he left. It turns out he knew one of our alumni who attended, Jordan Baker (whom I never got a chance to meet), plus we ended up having a nice lunch together. Which was great, and he got to meet June.

Anyway…blah, blah, blah

Being asked over and over again, “Are you coming back?” forced me to actually think about it. I did, a lot. Factoring all the good stuff that happened here: meeting with networks, agents, managers… I have a lot to think about. The one thing I do know is right now I still have New York to factor, and judging how LA went, I could be in for something very interesting. My answer still is: Bi-Coastal. I know that may be cliché, but it’s true. Knowing that I have a firm support system in place here in LA, and a pretty solid parléz into NY, I feel this is more than possible.

People’s reaction to me (my physique as well as my acting) was pretty flattering. Growth has occurred: artistically and personally.

I am getting ready to head on a plane back to NJ. So much change is in store for me. Immediately after graduation I move and then who the hell knows what. I am, for the moment, OK with it all.

As I learned in my research for Proof, I can “either die in the struggle, or relax into it.”

April 16, 2007

Perspective.

That is the word for the time. Keeping perspective. Our Los Angeles trip is dangling before us like a Damocles, and as one of my classmates described, everybody’s “crazies” are coming out: whether it is which dress one should wear for our bow, and should one change for the reception, or the reflexive, defensive behavior that rises to the surface when working a new scene and one can’t grasp what’s going on, or whatever…the list goes on. Believe me, the list goes on.

It may be coincidence, or fate, that I am currently reading, To Kill a Mockingbird right now. Yes, it is as a matter of fact, the first recreational read I have been able to enjoy during my Grad School experience. Reading the most famous quote from the book as well as the movie, it made me think. It put some things into perspective.

Here are the sage words of Harper Lee, through the great American hero she created, Atticus Finch:

     “ ‘First of all’ he said, ‘ if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider thing from his point of view.”
        ‘Sir?’
        ‘—Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.’”

What am I saying? Well, it hit me the other day. If one never went through any of this stuff before (i.e. showcase, living outside of school, etc.), it easily can be seen as an extremely overwhelming thing. So much is unknown, even for me. But because I’ve been through all this many times, I do have a very different perspective than most of my classmates.

I must be mindful, and respectful everyone else’s experience. Furthermore, I cannot expect them to just “take my word” and be at ease. They must experience all this on their own, on their own terms, and draw their own lessons from it all. And I, doing all of this again, not only must be open to the new lessons I must learn, but also relearn those I believe to already know. Thus allowing myself to gain a NEW perspective.

April 12, 2007

So much can change in so little time…

Remember how I was enjoying the fact that I had everything set? Scenes? Pics? Etc. Well, one of my scenes, my meatiest…got scrapped. The powers that be hated it. So this week has been a somewhat frenetic attempt in finding a replacement scene. Thankfully, it is my scene with Julie. I mean, we are both able, and quick studies…we have 95% narrowed down our search. What’s fun about this whole thing is that next Wednesday (5 Days!) we have our Dress for Joe Mancuso’s Theater Appreciation class (my TA this semester). So the pressure’s on.

Then…

I’ve found a new home in Jersey City: A studio with much convenience (PATH accessible, Parking, Laundry on premises, ALL utilities included! Nice!) Now, I have to break my lease here. If I find someone to move in…I’m all good. So I’ve been searching. I sign my lease next week, and am looking to move in May 15, and have my old place rented for May 31. A little apartment “Dos-ee-Do.”

Up side…?

I have so much other “shit” to think about, that I have been able to be so relaxed about the actual showcase. You know? In fact, a wise teacher of mine recently told me that I (we) are in the midst of a hurricane, and the most calm part of any hurricane is within the eye. So, I am embracing the fact that I am in a hurricane and I am relaxed in the center to the best of my ability.

Tick – Tock…

March 23, 2007

1 Month until LA. Scenes have been picked out, headshots have been chosen, reservations made, itineraries finalized, and so on. Wow…we’re here.

All we have to do now is endure the freak-outs, panic-attacks, and unsubstantiated feelings of inadequacy. Do the work, keep it about the work, for it is only the work that matters…yes? While I KNOW this to be true, I also have to keep repeating it to myself as a mantra. So much is beyond my (our) control, I can only focus on that which I can control.

Outside of “school?” I am looking for a new apartment .

(Moving again!....FUCK!!!!)

The area in which I am targeting to move, I’m still learning about: where are the nicer areas, where things are? best ways to get in NYC and locales nearest to the PATH, etc. I admit, I am not so concerned with moving, it’s just the fact that I have to do it again. Christ I think this is the 12^th time for me.

Getting the final details and the actual execution of the Showcase (Sorry…”Presentation”) is going to be very hard for me. Some in my class are freaking out a bit, and are trying to grasp at anything they feel they can “control.” As a result, things that are ultimately not important become over-thought, micro-managed and second-guessed. I lose patience because I know how unimportant many of these issues really are. Furthermore, some are so scared that they are unable (or unwilling) to pay attention to anything unless it directly matters to them. In other words,

Nothing Happens, until it Happens to Them.

This is very frustrating as it is difficult to communicate with people like this because no matter how clear you are, they will NOT hear you. So when you continue on with your life and your work, it can be halted and interrupted in an instant when they DECIDE to stop and pay attention to what it is you have been saying for weeks. Then, at that point, you become confronted with questions, and attitudes you worked to avoid. It soon becomes clear that your efforts were in vain because you were communicating on deaf ears, not from malice mind you…but from ignorance. There is no shame in not knowing something. I believe grace comes from the ability to admit to oneself what it is you do not know and trust those around you who may perhaps know more. That does not mean that you cannot still offer suggestions, but when one’s efforts to “work through” their ignorance by hammering their thoughts to everyone else to over-compensate, that becomes counter-productive, as others may feel imposed upon…I believe. When all this comes from a place of NOT Knowing, it is particularly hard to swallow. Furthermore, I know for myself, when it comes to my life and career, if something is imposed upon me from something that I know to not to make sense…I will NOT have it. That is where I must tread lightly: I know I am capable of fighting, and when I do not want to do something, or I believe it to be wrong I cannot be silent. I been through too much, worked too long, and too hard to have people “in crisis” muck it up for me.

My experience base is so different from most others here. That knowledge has been at the core of my experience here, and have not been able to step away from that fact. But I do not believe I should as I have been getting here EXACTLY what I came for AND what I needed. Not arrogance...Awareness.

From all this nonsense, the other day it occurred to me that, I’ve been in this situation (in a showcase) SIX TIMES. I have quite a bit of experience in this. What have I learned from all of them? It is NOT the end-all and be-all here. Another harsh truth I realized: in my 6 respective showcase experiences do you know how many calls/appointments I received?

Yet, I’m still here.

Now, what can I conclude from that sobering statistic?

I have been deluding myself for all this time, and therefore lied to by all I work with regarding my talent/ability.
I wasn’t marketable enough at the time, or was unaware of how to best market myself.
All that is past is what lead me to my place here, and now. I was to go through all that so I may apply what I’ve learned to today. Therefore the only requirement of me is to learn and grow from all these experiences and apply all that knowledge to the present.

I choose 2 & 3.

And here’s the thing. While I am more hopeful going into this Showcase than any other, I am also aware of the reality of the harshness of “the business.”

Strike the word “Hopeful” with “Confident?” Hhhmm…maybe. One may argue that is a matter of faith. Something I’ve been working on this past year. I admit, after living/working in Los Angeles, it is a challenge to have faith. But that’s the point isn’t it? Faith is most precious when it is difficult. Talk about an awareness of how the business works. But I am not in LA anymore (though a Casting Director recently told me that I am more an “LA type” too “edgy” for New York-ironic huh? Though not an insult).

None of this can be fixed, or cured, or changed really. The only thing that can be worked is my response to these things. Acknowledge that it is not about me, control what I can control, and be the master of my thoughts.

February 28, 2007

The Beginning of the End…

I have completed my headshot session with Chia Messina. What I have seen thus far has been pleasing. I have just received the link to the online photo page, and am working to narrow down the selection with the help of a few of my most respected friends and colleagues. They seem pretty good, but I hope it’s not because of how much I changed, how different I look. I look so much different than I did when I arrived here. I’ve lost 20 lbs! For God’s sake!! So much has changed for me in these 3 years, beyond the physical.

I believe in the possibility of good things in my future.

I am almost completely settled on both my scenes for showcase and am very happy. They, collectively, show exactly what I am to sell: for theater – Romantic Lead, for TV/Film – Suspect/Asshole. Things on “the list” are slowly and steadily being checked off.

Now is when I must find a new strength.

Doubts creep in and I must squelch them. My confidence in my talent and ability is pretty secure, especially now, finishing my time here. But where I waiver is my “marketability:” I’m still learning what it is I’m selling, still figuring out what that unique thing is that I have to sell… and to whom.

Tough questions, subjective questions.

Just yesterday, we did a TV workshop with a prominent DayTV Director. Was a lot more fun than I was expecting. We all did a great job, and most of all, was fun. The Director liked us a lot, and I feel we all made a pretty good impression on him. I had two scenes thrust upon me, and I hear I was solid in both. Personally, I had an easier time with the comic scene. Could be for two reasons: It was later in the day, and I was warmed up, as my other scene was the 1^st of the day, and a “Daytime Romantic” Scene. Some tough writing to get my “soul” behind. But I hear I did it.

That project left me with a pretty good feeling, a sense of Achievement.

As I write this I acknowledge I’m probably repeating myself: just as these feelings keep rising (and will continue to rise) to the surface. What I hope is different is the way I face these feelings and doubts. I do not believe they will ever completely go away, but perhaps the weight I give them, will.

I’m looking at the quote I have had above my desk for years:

“I will work and get ready, and perchance my chance will come.”

- Abraham Lincoln

February 19, 2007

I now live in a world without “The Country Wife.” This show has been a source of trepidation since it was announced as a part of the season. No one really wanted to do it, and upon being cast, I did my best to squelch that attitude (with decent success I may add). I worked harder than ever; making sure I knew what I was saying at all times. I exercised the skill of using operative words as well as speaking through the thoughts. You see, with plays of this time (including Shakespeare) the ACTION is IN THE LANGUAGE. This show was a tremendous exercise in all this. However, not everyone was comfortable with these demands; this created a somewhat constant negative attitude and resistance, which created an environment that made it difficult to work. Arrogance and fear crept in to several of our cast-mates mind-sets. It was annoying, and stifling.

This was the hardest, and subsequently the most thankless, show I’ve ever done. The language, the style, the physical embodiment of Horner was a constant challenge.

All in all, I thought this was a solid production; most of the faculty was pleased and impressed. Not a bad feat considering that Classical plays are not Mason Gross’ strong suit.

Cigdem Onat’s direction was eloquent and classy. I was lucky to work with her, and I can only hope she feels the same in some way. While I know her time here was not the easiest for her, I believe (with confidence) that I was not one of her major concerns. The only thing I thought was missing from the production was the necessity of more BAWD. The style and the period of Restoration Comedy demands filth, and I believe this production was almost too polite. BUT I must acquiesce that our director had such a task thrust upon her; between the massive amount of text that needed to be dwindled down, and the collective skill-set of the cast (note the use of the word “collective”) that I believe there just wasn’t time. We barely had a month for God’s Sakes!

Knowing (or I should say, feeling) the difficulty the majority of our audiences had grasping this play was hard on the actor psyche (mine, in particular). You could literally feel them getting tired (a 2½ play at it’s quickest!). This required a different kind of endurance…perseverance if you will. In fact, a few of our teachers, who happened to enjoy the play, were put off by many of us thanking them for merely staying for the whole thing. Unfortunately, this was a fact with what we were faced regularly. Conversely, when an audience was with you…it was a song! As is with any play really, but particularly so in this case as the work put in this effort was significant.

I still cannot for the life of me wonder why we did this play. It has little relevance in today’s society. I’m not saying we should not do Restoration Theater mind you. I have learned so much and gained more confidence in the range of my aptitude within the craft. BUT, if one wishes to endeavor to do this period of style…why not Moliére? Sheridan ? Or Synge? I don’t get it….Bottom line, The Country Wife is a mediocre play at best.

Then there is the actual role of Mr. Horner. I’m not sure if he is a character one particularly gets behind. He does not change, learn anything, or suffers much. He is a device to keep the plot going, that’s it. Yes, he is a device. It seems that Mr. Pinchwife is the spine of the story. We watch him suffer and change (a bit). Nick Farco did an amazing job. I must admit, he made my job easier as the crazier and zanier he became, I was able to not do as much. BUT I wonder if I allowed that to happen? Did I trust? I don’t know…and if I did, did I become boring? I honestly don’t know. I feel people enjoyed him more. Is it the design/structure of the show? Or my performance? Yin and Yang: without one, you cannot have the other.

This was my Swan Song here at Mason Gross—apropos that it was my most challenging role. However, I guess my ego wishes I could have gone out with more of a bang. Maybe I did?

I am taunted by doubt and fear as we enter the portion of the program that focuses on leaving this place: showcase, headshots, interviews, etc. I must release into the fear and turn it into excitement. I must focus on my positives and turn my negatives into opportunities. Insert your own cliché here.

January 12, 2007

Well, after a much needed week “at the table,” we just finished our 1^st week “on our feet” with The Country Wife; and I have to say I feel I’m on moderately solid footing. That is not to say I don’t have a ways to go…I do. However the work I did during the break (with Jan Leys, and Kathleen Kelly) has really benefited me. I feel I’ve made some pretty solid, and bold choices, and I have been able to begin in a greater state of preparedness.

Now that we have blocked the show, and I’m off-book, my challenge lays within the utter control and unflappable personality that is Horner, the character I play. I must embrace it and live in it. This test is a big one for me, as it requires unwavering confidence in that I AM ENOUGH. I have been working towards this end during my stay here at Mason Gross, and I believe it is attainable.

I can do this.

Furthermore, I have two weapons in my arsenal; both of which fuel each other as well as myself—my costume and the style.

While we are not doing full-on Restoration style, we have a great deal of influence from the period. There is a graceful, elegant, flamboyant quality in the movement that fuels my particular style of movement. (Much f this period we learned during Jan’s class last year, and performed during the Baroque Salon.) In addition, my costume consists of pants that appear as a skirt. Now you may laugh, but this provides me a freedom in my movement that does not occur when wearing actual pants. I am less conscious of my legs, therefore I am able to have relaxed quality in my walk that is necessary within the style and which also fuels my character.

Finally, there is a bit of an ego massage as Horner is an alluring, sexy, utterly confident, Mephistotic being. I have never been cast as anything remotely close to this before…and there is a compliment that not only was I cast as Horner, but also the knowing that I am, even in this early stage, pulling it off somewhat.

Again…there is a long way to go.

January 3, 2007

I asked…and she said, “Yes!”

That’s right! June has made an honest man of me. We’re engaged!

I can hardly believe it myself. This has been a side of my life I deliberately left out, as we wanted to keep our private life well, private.

It started 2 years ago.

She initiated the whole thing, and as she was in a relationship, I did not (for she was the only woman in the program to whom I was attracted).

How’s this for a New Millennial courtship...? She texted me confessing her “crush.” I was, to say the least, BLOWN AWAY! I responded in kind an we had our 1^st date on January 3, 2005 and talked about some things, and slowly took it from there.

June is, quite frankly, the best thing to ever happen to me. We truly compliment each other. She has such a generous, forgiving demeanor; to quote a famous recent movie, She makes me want to be a better man. I believe she has. While I still can be a tad critical of things (not a bad thing completely), I believe that tendency has waned a bit.

When we first started dating, we were resolved in leaving it OUT of the classroom. We were so successful in our discretion, no one knew anything until the END of that 2^nd semester… just as we wanted. Even last semester, we hardly sit next to each other in class. Work is Work.

Why now?

Well, I believe if we are able to survive Graduate School together…we should be able to survive almost anything. And, as we enter this very chaotic and uncertain time, I felt it important to offer June one thing that is certain…my love and devotion to her.

For “our anniversary” we took a weekend retreat to Washington, DC. I made New Year’s reservations at Georgetown’s 1789 Restaurant, and proposed at midnight, just as we entered the New Year. Well, actually, I had a dessert plate engraved and on it was the proposal, on the plate was dessert. I was so scared the moment dessert was served. We at dessert, and I became more and more nervous…I didn’t know for sure what her answer would be…as we finished, and she read the message, I went down on my knee, said something very personal and heartfelt, asked that fateful question…and she answered, “Yes.”

While no date is set, my commitment to our relationship is, as is hers to me. Once we graduate, and things calm down from our showcases, we’ll figure out the where’s and when’s.

I never thought this would happen to me…will wonders never cease?

I love her.

December 29, 2006

This one is for my students.

Yes, you read me right…I said MY students.

I just finished my 2^nd semester of teaching during my training here at Mason Gross.

(to NON-Fine Arts Undergraduate Majors mind you)

What I find amazing is that it WAS part of my training, you know? The act of teaching TAUGHT ME more than my students, I believe. I have learned, yet again, that one must always be mindful of the fundamentals: moment-to-moment, spontaneous life, impulse, actions, and objections. These must always be present while acting.

Basic Acting 271: My 1^st semester of teaching was more challenging to me for a couple reasons:

It was the first time I ever taught—a daunting task, as I had to dive well in the faith that I KNEW ENOUGH to teach, let alone be called “the teacher.”

It comprised mostly of theater-games—something I was not particularly familiar, nor something that was used in my training. As a result, something for which I did not care.

Then, we moved on to the Uta Hagen “Object Exercises:” Privacy, Entrances, Immediacy, etc. (Much easier—for me!) The end of the semester moved to partnered work to exercise impulse, spontaneous life, as well as relationship, which leads to point-of-view. (All the while being careful to NOT teach the Meisner Technique, as we were students of that technique still.) Finally we moved on to “Open Scenes.” These are scenes that are very innocuous, and it is up to the actors to impose relationships and circumstances on them, and make the text make sense.

Moving into partnered work was particularly daunting for me, as I did not know how to explain it to them. Without a clear vocabulary, I found myself stalling to move on. Eventually I had to just dive in, and that we did. What I learned is, we just had to do it, and learn as we went. The major lesson in this section was to see how much we take for granted in our real lives. For almost EVERY TIME I asked a student, “what was that that just happened?!” They would inevitably response with indifference or confusion. We discussed how society has been whittling down our freedom to react with abandon for fear of drawing attention to ourselves.

Which leads me to another point, and subsequently something I feel I succeeded at: Creating a safe environment. So much in these early Acting Classes involve, no REQUIRE, the student to feel SAFE. This safety enables them to tear out of their comfort zone, make fools of themselves, and behave “inappropriately” all in front of on-lookers (their class-mates). The need to feel safe is paramount. This was of huge importance to me. Watching the class grow more and more comfortable was a wonderful thing to witness. As a result, the class (both!) became almost a familial unit: they would go out, party, and sometimes date, each other. All of which allowed them 9most of them) to behave in a very honest, vulnerable way in front of each other. Egotistically, I took it as a huge compliment.

As this class was my 1^st venture in teaching, I kept myself at a bit of a distance. I did not want to blur the line between teacher and student, as can happen often when graduate students themselves become the teacher. Subsequently, inappropriate behavior on the part of the student AND/OR the teacher can easily develop. This can happen for many reasons: we are suddenly in a power position, which can easily be intoxicating or abused; and there exists some adoration for the young students looking for a parent figure.

With the “dangers” there also comes the “successes” however. Those moments when you witness a student break-through a barrier, or suddenly “get it.” I came to love those moments. For in a selfish way, at those times was when I felt not only like what, I believe, a teacher should be, but also a good one.

I remember one student who had some trepidation towards the “Just Because” Gift: The “Just Because” Gift was an exercise I had my students do in order for them to exercise the concept of “MEANING.” For example—when you are doing something for someone who has great meaning to you, your behavior, through the endowment of what you are doing takes on great importance. The MEANING takes on its own behavior, and we, as actors, look to convey such meaning truthfully onstage.

Well, this student came up to me upon my giving the assignment and was very concerned about the execution of this exercise because he “didn’t work that way.” I told him to give it a shot, have faith, and we would see what would happen. I challenged him that he might be a bit frightened and I encouraged him to look at that and ask himself “why?” Well, the next class he came in and started making his gift, albeit a simple one, and all of a sudden, all this emotion came out in a very honest, very truthful way. Nothing was forced, he was just present with this gift and the meaning it had and a very vulnerable moment ensued. The whole class watched in wonder as did he, afterwards. Many other students had similar reactions to their gift and they undoubtedly learned that particular lesson.

That was one of my most favorite moments as a teacher. The lesson was successfully taught. They knew it...I knew it.

It’s not about “being right.” For me it’s about growth and trust. There trust IN ME, allowed EACH OF THEM to grow; and my careful guidance steered them to learn. It is a humbling thing, not to be taken lightly. I learned the true responsibility it is to hold others growth, confidence and education in my hands.

Basic Acting 272: My 2^nd semester was a very different thing. Having done this before, my confidence had grown somewhat, and we were able to move away from games and go straight into exercise work. I found myself to be innately better at this. 272 focused primarily on Actions and Objectives (Intentions). I found myself drawing much from my old teacher, Morgan Sheppard, in Los Angeles. I heard his voice in my head often. His was a voice of comfort.

We reviewed the broad strokes of 271, and immediately went into partnered work and into the “Open Scenes.” But we really got cooking when it came to the Scripted Scenes; which, by the way, was pretty difficult to find 7 solid scenes in which all could work…but I did it after much searching.

It was fun, trying and rewarding to watch my students grow within the scene-work. Again, this work was much easier as most of what I did was ask, “What do you want?” or “How are you going to get it?” Questions we must always ask as actors, mind you. What was really cool, was watching the students start asking the questions themselves, pushing themselves and breaking out of their comfort-zone.

Since I was more confident in myself, I felt a greater sense of ease in my teaching style. This ease led me to “lighten up “ a bit and I was more able to be less formal with my students, while STILL maintaining the student-teacher relationship, which was nice. Furthermore, one thing I innately became aware of, and I think, made me a better teacher, was the ability to allow myself NOT KNOW everything. Quite simply, when asked a question in which I was not sure of an answer, or just didn’t know?… my response?

”I don’t know, what do you think?”

Fallibility did not make me a lesser teacher. It made me one with whom my students could more easily relate, I believe.

We even moved to Monologue work. While we did not work them as much as I would have liked, we made good progress with them in the short amount of time we had. AND I got the impression the exercise was a valuable learning experience for them as well.

Again, I found a huge compliment in how close the class became with each other. A wide variety of sorts, a kin to the “Breakfast Club;” all sorts, unlikely to have much in common, inevitably did…a beautiful thing to witness. (As in 271)

Both classes invited me out socially; however in either case, I did not feel it appropriate to take them up on their generous offer.

In short (not really), this whole experience has been tremendously valuable as a teacher, student AND a person. My confidence in my knowledge, ability and myself has grown in a way I never would have guessed.

Of course, it wasn’t all a “Love-Inn.” Not all of my former students liked me, I think…and I have to admit, there were a few who made my job a tad difficult. Especially when grades came about…one in particular wrote a fairly nasty e-mail to me. It was amusing to see how many argued grades. But that gets into the whole quandary of students as consumers…a BLOG for another time.

Nevertheless…

I thank them all from the bottom of my heart, and wish them all the best in their endeavors.

Dec. 16, 2006

5 Down…1 to go. Semesters I mean, if anyone’s counting.

I can’t believe it. My God, in 4 months…I’m done!

My evaluations went well, very well, in fact. My last remaining issue, it seems is this membrane, veil, film (insert your word for a thin barrier here) of “performance” that seems to remain present in my work. My control issue?? perhaps? Although, I admit I feel a bit confused about this issue. I mean, one is onstage…filling a greater space than that is occupied between two people.

I’m not negating the issue, however I feel it may be something that won’t be cracked until I’m out of this place. Not an excuse mind you, I’ll work on it…It’s just that I’ve learned how to not obsess. You see, in this conversation, it was yielded that this was a conversation that could not occur with anyone else. I have been asked to completely leave the work, and trust that I am not only enough, but also interesting and always present “in the moment.” A tremendous compliment on one hand, and a frightening challenge on the other. Basically, I must begin to leave my training alone and just be.

The timing of this is interesting to me as my confidence while being here at Mason Gross has grown immensely. I do my best to be careful not to delve in the realm of arrogance (a trait I truly deplore….along with ignorance. Together, a vile combination. Unfortunately, all-too-common in this world of acting. It is something I am confronted by every day here, which is why I tend to keep to myself and a select few…I digress). I acknowledge that some of my past entries may come off arrogant. However, these passages are where I allow myself to indulge my growing confidence so as to prevent myself from overt egotism. Because, you see, an actor MUST have confidence in his/her capabilities, or else it all caves in…I believe. I remember a class I took years ago:

The instructor asked us to look around for a few minutes and figure out the 3 best actors in the room. After the few minutes lapsed, the instructor didn’t ask us who we thought were the best 3, he only informed us that if you didn’t include yourself in that 3, you shouldn’t be an actor. I learned a lot that day about the psychology of this business. Confidence is a must.

Anyway…blah, blah, blah…enough of that crap. How do work on “my issue” in “The Country Wife?” A restoration Comedy…a broad farcical comedy….we will see. ????

I’ve been working to prepare for the 1^st rehearsal for “The Country Wife.” It is a bit frustrating, as we have not received cuts as of yet. The play in its entirety runs at about 3 ½ hours. We just can’t do that in today’s society. These days, the most that can be expected of an audience is 2 ½ hours…at best. Cuts MUST be made. The 1^st rehearsal is January 2, and we open a month after that…not much time. My goal is to be off-book for some (most?) of it before we start. I’ve gotten, and will be getting more, private coaching. Why? You may ask? Well, to be blunt, classical pieces is not Mason Gross’ strong suit…I wish to break that trend. A bit egotistical I admit, but whatever. Aim high right?

December 7, 2006

After all the fuss and speculation…”The Country Wife” has been cast. I have been cast…as one of the leads in it, Mr. Horner. Funny, huh?

When I first learned of the news I was a bit disappointed as I was hoping for something more current and “closer to me.” Then I realized…

”What do I have to complain about?”

I got cast as the lead in a main-stage play. Wow! …I’ve got problems!

Not only that, there are several people in the cast with whom I am very excited to work: Nick Farco, Ben Jeffries, Joe Tisa, Dennis Baker, Teresa Stephenson, the very funny Julie Cotton, Beth and Alana ( my fellow “Proof” alum) and of course, my June! A very solid cast for the most part. Our director seems very able and astute: Cigdem Onat. From what I have researched, she is not only an able actress, but also an accomplished director who has worked around the country in schools such as NYU (and is returning there after this project). Therefore, I feel secure we are in able hands.

In addition, I get to play (for the first time in a main-stage production) an appealing, maybe even and attractive male character!

This will be a tremendous challenge for me as Restoration Comedy is a style not common in theatre these days, and rather unfamiliar to me. I am a bit nervous—I do not want the trend of bad classical plays here at Mason Gross to continue under my watch. My pride won’t allow me to drop the ball on this one. To prevent that, I’ve already been working privately with one of my former teachers (Kathleen Kelly) to wrap my head and mouth around the text. My goal is to be fairly off-book BEFORE our 1^st rehearsal on January 2. I plan to continue to work with a coach during the Christmas Break. This is my Swan Song here at Mason Gross and it is my intention to go out with a Bang!

I believe there is something out there working for me that has delivered to me this challenge (especially since I was reluctant to meet it), and therefore I’ll “encounter it as a bride and hug it in my arms.” (Claudio-Measure for Measure)

I cannot believe I am entering my LAST SEMESTER here. It seems not long ago I was beginning this journey here at Mason Gross, and had difficulty not being overwhelmed by the mass of work and time that lay before me. I know I have grown during my time here, and my work is not yet finished. My confidence has grown immensely (while not slipping into arrogance I hope) and I feel that the East Coast has something tangible to offer me…or, should I say…I have something to offer the East Coast market.

Of course I’m fearful, but at the same time a quiet confidence is growing that good things are in my future. I have put in so much time and work to prepare for this moment, and I feel my efforts will soon be rewarded. I do NOT speak of ENTITLEMENT, mind you.

November 3, 2006

Well, I am dealing with something I haven’t faced in a long time…. FREE TIME. What do I do with it? I know there is much to do…and, for the most part, I’ve been doing it: Fundraising stuff, exploring how to market myself, exercise…blah, blah, blah.

But, I’ve become depressed…I’m not nearly as happy as when I’m working. This is the 1^st semester I’ve had in which I was in only 1 show. While I have looked forward to this moment for over a year, now that it is here I’m pulling my hair out (those that aren’t falling out already - joke).

Furthermore, my class work…I won’t say suffered…that implies a certain amount of effort but it has not been as much of a priority; and while I have not blown it off, I haven’t been wholly inspired to break my back either. I’m done, I’m cooked…stick a fork in me. What’s interesting is some of my teachers have noticed my demeanor and have been understanding. Especially since I always come to class prepared, I just feel a little lax on the inspired part…a challenge.

This is a scary time. Anyone who does not admit to being frightened at this stage is a bold-faced liar. While I cannot indulge my fears of being exactly where I was when I first arrived, that voice in my head whispers them to me ever so quietly…the constant artistic struggle.

Then of course, there is what is inevitably my final show here at Mason Gross: “The Country Wife.” Will it be? I am planning to have a conversation with Amy (the head of Directing) today about the consideration of my casting in a different show, perhaps something at the Jameson Studio. I have many reasons for this request:

Primarily, I feel need (and several of my teachers agree) to work on a character that is closer to me vs. most everything else I’ve done here (I need to learn how to play me, more). Also, I want another opportunity to work with one of the Directing Students (either Will Pellegrini or Jeff Stanley). The latter is one of the major reasons why I came here; to work with up-and-coming artists (directors, playwrights, etc). I hope she will have an empathetic ear as I have risen to every demand asked of me with a smile. I feel I have a valid request. In addition, I am using this as an exercise on how to better assert myself and (professionally) go after what I want.

Again, the BIG truth to be acknowledged here: I have a hard time NOT working. I love working on a show. I need to be busy. My girlfriend feels, and I would agree with her, I need to take time as a lesson on how to calm down!

“Cloud 9” opens tonight and I’m jealous, and I haven’t even seen it yet!

I am trying to be diligent with the marketing stuff. Beth (Wicke) has given me some additional work since our 1-on-1 meeting (went very well by the way), and I want to be on top of that. It’s just so minute and tedious…but it must be done. I really want to leave here hitting the ground running.

Perseverance!

October 13, 2006

Well, “Proof” has come and gone…a success for the most part. Adults seem to have appreciated the show more than the younger folk did. Actually, virtually ALL adults who have seen it loved it, and were moved by the show, emotionally. One has to pay attention to this play, therefore our younger, M-TV nation we see growing up before us, seemed to lose interest quickly. Unfortunate. Now, the theater majors, and other “artistically inclined” youth were the exception…however still the minority.

This show, despite myself (I still believe) was extremely well-cast. Beth Wittig (Catherine), Alana Dauter (Claire), and Nathan Robinson (Hal) all did solid work. Furthermore, the play is more theirs (particularly Catherine’s) than Robert’s. Yes, he(I) served a vital function, but the driving force occurred in the present-day scenes.

Another interesting observation:

While I have been receiving very solid, sincere compliments from faculty (and others whose opinion I value), there has been a noticeable lack of “carrying on” about my work in this play. Which leads me to a couple of possible conclusions:

My work has set a standard that people have come to expect from me, therefore less extraordinary.

Or,

Now, having seen me in seven shows (that’s right 7!), my habits have become more prevalent, causing my work to be less extraordinary.

Hhhmmm…

I like to believe it is a combination of the two. I have a quiet hope it is more the former than the latter, but…I’m here to learn, right? So, I must focus on breaking those habits, those “crutches” I have come to rely on that prevent me from delving deeper into my craft.

Although...

As an actor who is working on his growing confidence, I must believe it is the former. Though, as an actor who is always striving to improve his craft, must acknowledge the latter.

It is difficult at this stage of the program. I admit (and I know I’m not alone) my mind is out of this place already. While I don’t believe I have totally slaked off in my class work, my verve to study has waned a bit. There is a dangerous trap one can fall into if he believes too much that he “has nothing to prove.” I am constantly aware of that particular trap.

We are focusing much time and effort on “getting out there.” Our commercial class with Billy Serow is much fun, and a valuable review of Commercial camera work, I am learning some new and valuable tricks f the trade, in addition to getting used to the camera again.

Our “Auditioning” class with Beth Wicke is interesting as well. Though I’ve been “out there” already…it’s cool to go back to the basics and allow myself to learn it again. Of course, there is much I have forgotten, or just didn’t know. I want to take advantage of her class in particular because I feel I’ve been given a 2^nd chance at being new. I don’t want to blow it. In addition to the greater confidence I’ve been developing here, Beth is arming us with a more sharpened sense of “the business.” I feel lucky.

I am anxious to learn more.

September 25, 2006

Year 3 has begun…my final year here at Mason Gross. I can’t believe it. While it is still a busy time, the workload has decreased significantly, which is a huge relief. Over the summer I worked hard on some fundraising ideas (we have to fundraise for our Los Angeles Showcase, which kind of sucks, but is the way it is), AND tightened up my diet while intensifying my exercise regime (including Yoga, Pilates, and Martial Arts).

I’ve LOST 14 pounds!!!

I’m in the best shape of my life. I have abs for God’s sake! (could be tighter, but what the hell…I still have 7 months)

Again, the year started early for me as we began rehearsing for “Proof” on August 14. WE OPEN THIS WEEK! Yikes.

For the most part, I feel pretty good about my work as Robert in “Proof.” There is something about him that I am able to tune into. The fact that he is in his “fifties” is challenging. Fifties is not old, so there is little to play with age, per se. Therefore, I’m choosing to solve that issue with make-up…and my first go round on Sunday went well. Furthermore, the relationship between me and my daughter, Catherine (Beth Wittig) is really strong, so it feels like I’m going to pull it off. Not to get cocky, though, my final scene with Catherine is a beast…a difficult task balancing everything at play in that scene….but I am hopeful.

Billy Carden is our director, he was one of my teachers last year. We have been working well together. It has been interesting to work with a former teacher; while the director-actor relationship is very much intact, this process has been an opportunity to really work the principles that he taught us in class. Embracing circumstance, relationships, etc. has been a true benefit for me in tackling this character.

We’ll See…

YEAR TWO

May 12, 2006

Well, what in the hell do I know?

Irony can be a funny thing…

It can also slap you in the face!

My evaluations were wonderful…

All “A”’s!

I know grades ultimately mean nothing in this field, but it’s pretty cool nonetheless.

The big note for me:

EASE UP ON MYSELF!!!!! Have more fun!

OK.

They specifically brought up my demeanor after “Scapin” and the Clown Saloon…

Weird huh?

They asked what was my problem…
I told them I was unsatisfied with my work…
At which point they told me to LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!

Which is nice to hear…I guess.Wonderful, actually.

So now, it seems, the biggest issue I have with regards to my acting…is myself! I need to find more joy…or I should “allow” more joy. I do…I love what I do. I take the note, BUT I do know that I made a conscience choice to put myself in a specific mindset when I came back to school. Furthermore, as I mentioned to one of my instructors, privately: I have difficulty, at times, tolerating my classmates. As my instructor mentioned, “It’s like being married to 8 other people,” and I added, “Who I didn’t choose!”

So my issue with other people is something I need to take a cold, hard look at. The thing is, I do my best to leave others alone…we all have our own process, and I accept that. Its when I see people either speaking or behaving from a place of ignorance, couple with an arrogance that is unjustified…I go through the roof…internally.

As I write this I think I’ve cracked what my logic is:

My experience in Los Angeles exposed me to a lot of “shit”…shit, which was often rewarded, because of externals (appearance). For reasons, which I’ve already discussed in previous entries, I have to work harder, and better. Because of this drive I have developed a confidence (internally, a quiet arrogance) in my work…I know I am good, great at times…Fuck it, I’m Really, Really Good! All this has caused a secret nobility, which I now possess; a standard I not only hold myself to, but also everyone else. When that standard is not met (in my opinion) I have no time to placate, and subsequently when said insufficient work is rewarded, I take it personally, and grow livid.

This is, of course, my problem, and something I need to reconcile. I should not let others affect me so. On the other hand, as and actor, I must “take in” everything, observe, and be aware of the way it affects me. So what do I do? There’s the rub. I know much of this stems from fear: what happens after this experience here in Grad School ? Will I work? Or will I become a cautionary tale?

I must seek within.

May 6, 2006

Well, yesterday I completed the course-work for my 2^nd year here. I feel like I ended with a whimper than with a bang. While I know the work I did was adequate, I am simply unable to be satisfied with that…adequate. I am in pretty low place, I am disappointed in myself and it doesn’t feel good.

“The Scams of Scapin” was not that well received. To be fair, it was also a very different kind of show…more performance art than anything else. We were directed by out Chekhov teacher, Lenard Petit. Not to disparage MR. Petit, but I feel while I learned so much from him, I also have learned that his way toward theater, is not something that works for me…I continued to feel this as we worked toward our Clown Saloon. Being such a new way of working, I needed more guidance. Lenard had more faith in me than I think I deserved, and I just wasn’t comfortable with myself, nor the work. I needed more structure perhaps? But I need to work better with less structure. I am so caught up with “doing it right” that I still get in my head sometimes. Although, I acknowledge I am better with that with regards to my acting in general.

My Acting classes went fine; I think they went really well. Wonderful. The Salon seemed to be fine, a true exercise in stillness and power for me. As the King (Louis XIV, in the Baroque Period) I had to not do as much as I, Christopher, would do...which was a challenge. I had difficulty distinguishing the difference between power in stillness, and doing nothing, as there is activity that exists in owning the role of, and the power that comes with playing King.

My Voice and Speech finals…adequate. I went up on my Voice monologue…that just right out sucked! Heather, my teacher, said she was the only one who noticed, it is rumored I handled it just fine, but I am unable to be satisfied with that. According to her, it was a matter of a pause being where there shouldn’t have been one. I should have NOT gone up. I just blanked. I believe my Speech monologue was just fine.

The Clown Saloon?...well…a pretty humiliating experience for me. Most everyone else did great but I was pretty weak. Again, this kind of work is not comfortable for me. I believe a portion of my discomfort derives from the constant regarding of the audience. This is something I have been practicing years to NOT DO! I don’t like it. Monologues, and Shakespeare Soliloquies are a different thing…this is totally playing to, and taking in the audience; it terrifies me.

All in all, the 2^nd year was going really well. Then after the mid-term of the 2^nd semester, I think I might have started to deflate from exhaustion, impatience, or what have you. I know we were all tired, and we all had a lot of work. The thing is, and I do not believe this to be an excuse, but…they worked me hard and long…and in the end…I had nothing left. The truth of it is: I was working on shows straight from August 20, 2005 through April 8, 2006: I had no Thanksgiving Break, only 1 week for Christmas, no Spring Break, and twice I went directly from one show into another (having maybe a week off, or only a day). I hate excuses…but I can’t ignore these facts.

A dose of humility can never be bad for an actor; it’s just so difficult to swallow. The thing is, I am so scared of what happens AFTER my time here. My experience in Los Angeles has really skewed my perspective. As a white male without a chiseled body, nor a GQ face, I cannot afford to be adequate in ANYTHING. The only way I will stand out is by being not only the best I can be, but also the best. I realize this my sound egotistical, but I cannot afford go through ANOTHER 6 years like I did in LA banging my head against the wall trying to get noticed…hoping my work was enough! I will not, I cannot work in catering again!!! I feel very uncertain with myself. Perhaps this is all a dose of humble pie that I have been overdue in consuming.

Of course, we’ll see what happens on the 10^th of May when we have our evaluations. I wonder if my feelings are correct; I’m sure I may be over-reacting a bit as I have been told that I am hard on myself…we’ll see.

Looking toward my 3^rd year, it is important to feel confident in presenting the finished product that is called…me.

I am scared, and uncertain.

February 28, 2006

I’m at the half-way point of the 2^nd Semester of the dreaded Year 2. Slow and steady wins the race…I hope. “The Lonesome West” closed a couple of weeks ago as another success. This was Doug Hall’s thesis play and it came together quite nicely. At first I was disappointed that I was cast as the younger brother, Valene, to Wesley Broulik’s, Coleman. However, I soon realized that I could not have played any other part. I AM a younger brother, and I had a lot to draw from. With all humility, I believe it showed in the performance; this one came from the heart…this one was for my brother, Nick. Much forgiveness is with him, as Valene is to Coleman. Everyone in the show was solid (all of our best work?) Wes, David Carl, and a lovely Natalie Knepp. A lot of trust and support all the way around…cool stuff. This is a pretty intense show that leaves much of the audience exhausted as the set is literally destroyed as the two brothers near kill each other.

The Irish Jig at the end was a lovely final flourish…a wink to the audience if you will.

So I move directly into “Scapin,” by Moliere…directed by our own Lenard Petit (our Chekhov Teacher). Too soon to tell, but Lenard has an elegant sense for comedy, so it seems promising…we’ll see?

As I say, we are at the mid-way point hear. Quite frankly, I’m toast: full load of classes, teaching last semester AND constantly working in shows since mid-August 2005!!! The big stuff we have remaining is the Baroque Salon (I am Louis XIV, the Sun King!) and our Clown Saloon (???).

Miles to go before I sleep.

December 12, 2005

My 1st semester of Year 2 is finished! As I’m sure you’ve noticed, this is my first entry of the semester. That’s because I haven’t had a moment to shit, let alone write a BLOG for the semester. They’ve worked my ass off!!!! I was in the first show of the semester, and last show of the semester, with about 7 evenings to myself, all tolled, in between.

Mud, by Maria Irene Fornes, the first show of the season, directed by Michole Biancosino (who directed me in “Claw” last year), was a tremendous success. This was her thesis production. I played the character of Lloyd, which could possibly be my high point of my career here at Mason Gross; a three-person show included myself, Carmen Goodine and Rico Rosetti. Great stuff, everyone gave their all, and the audiences seemed to really respond to it. There was a lot of hard work in that show. We worked very well together; it was pretty cool as any one of us could look at the other, at any time, and KNOW that they were completely there with you. There was some harsh brutal action going on, and the trust was never wavering…a rare experience. Needless to say, the faculty was very impressed all around, and that felt great.

Then we come to Audrey, a playwright’s thesis. We had an outside director, Larry Kornfeld, who had a different way of working. However, he shaped lovely performances out of all of us, and shaped an interestingly staged show. The cast came together nicely, no divas, all very supportive of each other. We had to really, as the material was sometimes tricky. “JACKPOT!”

As this is written, we closed Audrey this past weekend. I start rehearsal for the next show, The Lonesome West, by Martin McDonagh, another director’s thesis production, for Doug Hall. We work through the Christmas break. We get a small one, but when this is done, I will have worked shows from the middle of August thought the 1st week of February! UNCLE! I cry!!! There is one other who has been worked as hard, that was Rico. He was also in Audrey as the father (I was the fiancée). We both were in two shows, AND Teaching...a lot was asked of us.

While it feels good to know that I have survived this semester having so much asked of me, I am cautious with my self-gratitude because I am unsure with my performance as a teacher. This semester provided my 1^st opportunity to teach. I had a great class; they were enthusiastic, attentive (seemingly) and willing. Of course, I had 1 or 2 students who gave a bit of a hard time (probably didn’t like me), but overall, they were great! I honestly question whether I gave them enough. I literally had to just choose to believe that I knew more than they, which was the case. But where I felt my shortcomings fell was my ability to clearly convey the material to my students in a way in which they could grasp. The applications were another matter; emotional availability was also a tricky one. Meaning, and point-of-view was understood on an intellectual level, but very rarely were they consistently applied. Was it my deficiency? Did I clearly teach the material they were to understand? Was I asking too much? I honestly don’t know. We get our evaluations next semester, so I’ll have to wait until then.

Then, of course, there were MY classes. Yes, I actual had a full course load myself this semester! Jesus, how did I do it?

2 Acting classes (3 actually, including a Chekhov technique class), 2 movement classes, Voice, Speech and Dramatic Literature. The latter, taught by the accomplished playwright, Lee Blessing. We read a play week, were quizzed on assigned play, and then took the class time to discuss it; that was our academic class.

We continued Meisner Training with Deborah Hedwall by including impediment work in our exercises. i.e. drug use, mental retardation, acute and constant pain, etc. In the last couple of weeks of the semester we started working with “Opposite Point-of-View.”-- self explanatory, I believe. In our other acting class, called our “Transition Class,”, we worked with Billy Carden. One class per week was used in working with Uta Hagen’s “Object Exercises” i.e. privacy, lost items, changes of self, etc., and we did scene work in the other class. A goal was to give a better sense of what is expected from an actor when he enters the rehearsal process. Finally in what was called “Physical Theater,” we worked with Lenard Petit who taught us the fundamentals of Michael Chekhov’s Technique for Acting. This technique employs the use of physical (and psychological) gestures to find character. Often this technique has the misnomer of “Outside-in.” While working many exercises within this technique, we were applying them in scene-work from Beckett’s Waiting for Godot. Next semester we work toward a Clown Saloon, which promises to be fun. I expect a lot of hard work, but the result is a fun show. At least it was last year, you know?

We are continuing our work in Speech, based in Skinner, as well as our Voice work based in the Fitzmaurice Technique. We have also continued our work with Michael Blake, and Jan Leys, who teaches the Williamson Movement Technique.

Next semester, in our Williamson class we will be working towards a Baroque Salon; centering around Charles II of England , and Louis XIV, the Sun King. I am the latter. Not only do I have a great deal of research ahead of me during the Christmas Break, but even more work in the way of editing.

This is the official half-way-point of my Graduate Studies. Miraculously, with all that was demanded of me outside of my studies, I seem to have kept my head above water. Evaluations are next week…so we’ll see.

What lies ahead? Will I continue to progress in my craft? What will happen when I finished with this experience? Hotel work? Gardening?...God I hope not.

YEAR ONE

September 30, 2004

After much consideration (deep evaluation of where my life and career really was at the time) and the presentation of a tremendous opportunity; I decided to go back to school. I am currently in the beginning stages of acquiring my MFA from the Mason Gross School of the Arts at Rutgers University .

The move back to the East Coast was a mixed bag. While I was moving back closer to home, which with regards to my family and some friends, there was also something else that I couldn’t completely reconcile: had a failed in Los Angeles ? Was I running away? Or is this decision to rejuvenate, and refresh? …Time will tell I guess.

I have just completed my first month in this program, and I am leaning toward clarity, but still wondering. Probably won’t have an answer til I graduate (hopefully). While I have worked a fair amount in Los Angeles , I felt a little overconfident about things. However, I quickly began to realize that my previous experience didn’t matter, not at this point anyway. We are all starting from scratch, and the mere fact that I may have worked a bit more than others, just meant that my “starting over” point was a little bit farther back than others…kinda scary.

All that being said, my curriculum consists of: Acting (Meisner-based), Williamson Technique (Movement), Hot-Movement (more dance oriented), Fitzmaurice Technique (Voice), Stage Combat, Speech and Singing. Deconstruction seems to be the goal of this part of the program: removing barriers, allowing vulnerability, etc.

Acting consists of Sanford Meisner’s repetition exercises: where two people, looking at each other, one impulsively starts speaking from a point of view(one sentence), the partner repeating what is said, thus starts the repetition. From there different elements are added (i.e. independent activity, knock on the door, etc). I’m having difficulty dealing with the door as well as focus upon my independent activity…I get in my head.

Williamson Technique (Movement) is a little less easy to explain. We start off with “10 minutes of doing nothing”…where we lie on the floor and clear our minds. I’m not explaining it well. Then we slowly progress to moving through instruction and/or music. Not sure what to expect from this class…but that is OK.

Fitzmaurice Technique (Voice) is similar to Williamson in the vein of it’s abstract nature. We place ourselves in “Yoga” like positions to find these “tremors” (an involuntary movement in the legs or arms, depending on what part is focused upon). These tremors disrupt our normal breathing patterns, and therefore release tension. The release of these pockets of tension, depending on their origin, can be an intense emotional experience. The theory is, as we grow, areas of tension are born in our bodies through trauma. As we release those areas of tension, the body remembers the trauma (although the mind may not) and have a similar reaction (as it did at the origin), thus the emotional release. The goal seems to be freeing up as much of our breathing capacity as possible, giving our instruments a wider range.

*The two above classes seem to have close ties to Yoga, although there are some fundamental differences. I do not know enough to explain what those differences are, but they are there.

Speech is based on Edith Skinner’s work. Pretty tedious work but necessary. Focusing on muscle support of tongue, jaw and lip placements with regards to the articulation of consonants and vowels.

Stage Combat is dealing primarily (this semester) with hand to hand combat. No weapons yet. Focusing on stage combat but not ignoring adjustments for the screen.

Hot Movement is primarily focused on dance, emphasizing centering and movement as an actor by exposing us to such techniques as opposition.

And finally,

Singing is well, singing. Trying to learn songs from the point of view as why these words are sung. Combining the meaning of the words with their melodies.

That is each class as they are… what happens from here on out is a mystery to me. Kind of scary, kind of exciting. Already some big challenges lie before me. I am certain as I surmount one challenge (hopefully) there will be yet another to take it’s place. From the Chaos will come the Order.

I hope to make consistent weekly, or monthly updates so you may all follow my experience with this program. This is not some narcissistic trip where I presume that everyone is interested in what I’m doing, but perhaps my experiences may trigger something in someone else that may inevitably cause a change. That’s all.

Well, enough for now. Feel free to e-mail if there are any questions.

October 14, 2004

In only two weeks have things already begun to transform for me. We went on a retreat, as a class. Our Williamson Technique teacher, Jan Ley, organized this retreat. The retreat took place in the Adirondacks on the property of Loyd Williamson, the creator of the Technique. So that was interesting to work in the presence of him. While he did not teach per se, it was interesting to hear the ideas of this type of work from the horse’s mouth. Our Voice Teacher, Heather Rasche also accompanied us, allowing us an extended class in which she worked some exercises we would not be able to do in class due to time restrictions.

The following is from my journal I am required to keep for the Williamson class:

RETREAT-October 7-10, 2004

Arrived late Thursday evening…a beautiful place. Was shown around, was nice to see people outside of class. Woke up to an amazing splash of color in the window. Only had about 5 hours of sleep but didn’t matter. It was impossible for me to try to sleep after looking out the window. Was invited for an early walk with Loyd Williamson (originator of the technique). Was a crisp morning, as well as interesting to get a first hand tour of the place. Loyd is definitely an interesting character. Met Christopher, our chef; a great guy. Loyd put us to work…loved it…stacked wood, cut wood (avec chain-saw), among other chores. Was refreshing, reminded me of home. A couple of the youths had an issue with the work…I told them it was good for them. As we were finishing, everyone else arrived. We had an introduction to the weekend with Jan and Loyd. Heather showed up (again, nice to see her out of class). Did a cool exercise by the lake - a sort of 10” outdoors. Again, while I was very present, I was taken back to a different time, I enjoyed it, and didn’t care that my mind was filled with memory and thoughts. Then the annoyances came in…not during the work, but when the personalities manifested themselves. My first thing was when several classmates started imposing their ideas on Jan’s schedule. I.e The Bonfire – there was a chance of rain on Saturday (the original time for the bonfire) so several of them insisted that the Bonfire happen on Friday (BEFORE WE REALLY DID ANYTHING!) I stated, softly I admit, that I thought it was a bad idea as I was confident that the purpose of the bonfire was to be that of more than making S’More’s. Needless to say, the bonfire occurred on Friday…and it felt disjointed and not connected to me as well as a few others. Saturday, the big work day, was a mixed day for me…encountered many barriers (smaller ones I think). Started with Yoga, my first real Yoga class…I liked it…great way to start the day…especially with the fruit salad being served to us. Then we ate breakfast (another awesome meal). Had a little walk, did some reading. Then we had a movement class with Jan. In the class, Jan gave me an adjustment during the “Adagio for Strings.” I had a pretty visceral response to the music, so I was a bit thrown off by the adjustment. Not that I was angry, but since I was so emotionally affected by the music, I felt I was pretty free…well it just threw me off…probably meant nothing. We the had lunch (all just say- another fab meal…they all were, so I’m going to stop). We then had an extended class with Heather. I have to admit, the change of environment, plus the movement class before…allowed me to be a little more free. We did a different exercise, “Heather’s Wild Ride.” It was interesting…but Geo had my head…well, that is all I’ll say about that…I’m not sure how much I was able to release my neck. Then we had class with Loyd…interesting points…when we got to actually work…hhmmm…I will just leave it at, we did not have enough time to understand/observe the core of what he was trying to teach us. At least, I didn’t – but after talking to some others, I know I wasn’t alone. Long day. Jan apologetically made it clear that it was too late to do anything like Bowling, or a night walk…but again, some people imposed their want upon him, and he took them out. I know he’s an adult…but he was clear that he was tired and well, that’s enough there too.

Sunday had the same structure as Saturday through lunch. I was definitely more open to running outside that day…probably because I had become familiar with it. Unfortunately, as the morning progressed, my mind was drifting toward school-work, did my best to keep it at bay. I was getting irritated as we basically sat around for an hour waiting for who knows…and then the picture ‘event.” I mention it in retrospect because we got laid up in some serious traffic on the way home. Again, I became very focused on what I had to do for class the next morning, and realizing I had very little time to bring it together.

I found myself reflecting a lot on the retreat, While I didn’t have the “fun” that many MFA 2’s repeatedly told me I would have, I did have a meaningful experience. I saw some thing in myself – some I like, some I don’t. I know I’ll be thinking back on the retreat for some time. Through reflection, I am confident that my perception of what occurred there will continue to change.

My observations since the retreat have been many. As far as the work, I do feel more free; while I still have far to go. Socially, the annoyances I have toward some people in my class seem to have “passed through” a threshold. I was able to take a step back, see my behavior, and apologize. With that, came discussions (with those involved) and we came to an understanding about who each one was, and why, and what bothers us, etc. It was nice to get past some petty shit, and accept one another, and move on and work.

Acting Class continues to be challenging. You may have a great class one day, then in the next class, have some block that just freezes you. It Is as unpredictable as your moods.

November 3, 2004

Well, now Hot movement and Voice are the hurdles for me these days. We are beginning the “structuring” in Voice. The first couple of months were dedicated to breaking down the bad habit infused structure we all have (had)…now we are working on rebuilding an apparatus that supports our breath, and therefore creating a more resonant voice. Does that make sense?…I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. Is pretty scary as what I knew before is literally being thrown out. Starting over.

In movement, we had an assignment, several actually, that require us to perform on our own telling a story with just movement and breath. Scares the crap out of me. I hate solo work. Put me up there with someone else…I’m fine…I can make it about them (the other person); unless I’m alone onstage within a context of a play (story). You know?

Singing is unusually challenging…our teacher is trying to fuse the monologue of the lyrics with the use of the melody. I understand the concept, however his direction can be very confusion, often contradicting himself within a single sentence. “Speak the lyrics. Now, sing that word….no speak it…”….I get very impatient.

Coming up with activities is particularly challenging…I find myself worrying so much on whether the activity is sufficient, rather than concentrating on the exercise itself.

No matter how well a class (or a day) goes, I find myself immediately looking to the next class (or day) regarding what I need to get done. Not a lot of time to revel in accomplishment; something I didn’t do too much of anyway.

I’m finding myself really enjoying my private time. I have class with the same eleven people for an average of 5 to 7 hours a day. Weekends (especially after the retreat) are very valuable to me as I can do what I want, when I want. For instance, the Halloween Party that everyone is going to, I do not plan to attend. Not that I’m purposefully avoiding it…it’s just not worth the effort that I could be spending that time on home-work. Maybe it is the benefit of age, or just stubbornness. I know this will come to and end as 2^nd semester approaches.

This week ended with the completion of two projects I dreaded. They went OK I think…I certainly learned something.

Auditions are coming up soon…kinda nervous about that.

November 19, 2004

We are now working with text in acting class. Although, not in a traditional way. We are now combining scene-work with the repetition exercises. In other words, whenever the “lines” escape me, I go into repetition, unto the impulse propels me to say the next written line. I can now understand why writers may not be completely thrilled with the Meisner Technique as it has the capability undermine the written word. Nevertheless, it’s kinda weird…I’ve always had the image of a wishbone with regards to these exercises…your mind is literally pulled in two opposite directions…Now, with text…it’s being pulled in about three or four:

Supporting the text, taking everything in from your partner and everything else…applying those impulses to the supplied text…adjusting for your own impulse. I could go on…perhaps later…I feel like I’m constantly repeating.

Movement has been a pain in this ass now as we are working in groups. The upside is the power in numbers element: if you embarrass yourself, you have about 5 other people up there with you. The downside: “Too many chefs…” everyone has all these ideas, myself included…the time deadline gets lost…I’ve said several times, “Let’s just decide on something, folks, and get this thing done….we only have 15 minutes.” Or something like that.

Stage Combat is fun. It’s pretty cool, actually. Our teacher, J. Allen Suddeth is pretty much a big wig in this field. He is constantly staging fights for shows on Broadway: the new August Wilson play, the new Sam Shepard play, etc. He knows his stuff, backwards and forwards. Flatteringly enough, he also is pleased with my work in the class…so that’s cool.

A week has passed since I started this entry, the movement piece went surprisingly well…a few notes, but overall, Michael Blake (our teacher) enjoyed it…so that’s a load off.

Voice is on and off for me. The focus of the Fitzmaurice technique is centered around breathing “from the ribs” and engaging the transversus when you speak. Supposedly this is how the body naturally works when you speak, however when a person is riddled with tension, the body begins to work less efficiently. Releasing those tensions were discussed before with all the “tremoring” we do. Anyway…now we’re at a point of what Heather (our teacher) calls “conscious incompetence.” In other words, we are aware how we are not speaking properly, using the techniques described above. I am having difficulty with the transverses part of the technique: my ribs move very well – I feel and see them…however the transverses…which are pretty near the abdominals…is still kind if vague for me to locate as I have a more muscular frame…so I can’t tell if I’m engaging my transverses, or merely flexing the abs. I sound like I’m doing it, but I can’t quite feel it; Heather wants us to be physically aware of the process, so we can control it more successfully (I think?). So that’s a challenge.

Can’t wait for the Thanksgiving Break! God, then only 2 more weeks, than the 1^st Semester is finished! Can’t believe it!

November 23, 2004

It’s weird being back on a college/campus environment, especially being older than most of my classmates, as several of them are here directly from undergraduate studies. Quite often, the idea of a good time means going to someone’s house, or the local watering hole (a pit called “Doll’s House”) and getting shit-faced while trying to “hook-up.” The 2^nd and 3^rd years preying on the new 1’s as most of them are innately enamored with the upperclassmen. No longer my cup of tea.

In addition to all that, fewer than I expected have moderate acting experience; really there is only one who actually probably has more experience than I do (he would probably say I have more than him…one of those situations, you know?). I do not mean to imply that I have this wealth of experience that all should aspire towards. Quite the contrary, I just wasn’t prepared to be among those with the most experience (this includes many of the 2^nd and 3^rd years as well). There is ”newness” among most that I am not apart of. I’m not complaining mind you, as this “newness” comes with it, I believe, a naivety. All this brings me to my point: as of this time I do not have a lot in common with many of these people. What I mean, the only thing we do have in common is the program, and frankly, after working 40-50 hours a week with the same people, the last thing I wish to talk about is the last 40-50 we just spent together. Since that tends to be the topic of conversation 8 times out of 10, I just keep to myself on the down time. Lest I sound like an arrogant, condescending asshole, I use that time to get the work done. You see, there is another element here: next semester we will be cast in shows. Then the dynamic will really change, as we will be exposed to the 2^nd and 3^rd years in an actual, working environment.

December 15, 2004

1^st Semester is DONE! I can’t believe it. While I am pretty excited to have a substantial break, I am pensive about the upcoming semester. The vacation is over, sort to speak. We will be in shows, and you know the workload will increase. I believe things went very well, despite my chronic problem of believing everything I do is crap. The feedback I’ve received has consistently been positive. So…whatever that means.

I am anxious to work on a show. Auditions have been going on for the past 3 weeks. The 1^st audition (the general) was weird. Actually they all were; primarily because afterwards we are among all of the people we for whom we auditioned. Out there, I was used to having an audition, then being able to forget about it, as you wouldn’t see anyone afterwards. Here, you have class with many of the people who just saw you audition…. weird. Another thing, one audition, we actually brought in props and like, totally blocked this cold-read as a scene…it felt awful. Didn’t like it. That’s another thing, the “call-backs” consist of the actors being paired-up with someone else who is auditioning and act out a scene. Lot ’s of new adjustments.

December 21, 2004

Just came out of evaluations: Went very well!… as well as one can hope, anyway. Great feedback. Which is great! Nice to know I’m on the right track. AND I’ve been cast in a major part in a difficult play; a pretty big compliment as I’m only a first year. There seems to be lot’s of potential for me in the future. Can go either way. My teachers agree that I have a good attitude, and work hard…coupled with ability, I just have to keep it up.

Am trepidatious towards the next semester. This semester has been the calm before the storm. Hoping I’ll be able to cope and do well in classes as well as shows.

I don’t seem to be able to function unless I give myself something to worry about. So I’m giving myself plenty.

Well, anyway….HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

December 28, 2004

So, what have I learned so far? Well, one thing I know for sure is that we learned very little about acting. I do not mean that as a criticism, just a fact about how the program is designed. This past semester was about impulse: being aware of it, acknowledging it, and allowing yourself to follow it.

Like I said, this past semester has had little to do with the actual technique of “acting.” However, the fundamentals being taught at this point are vital components of acting, they do not make up the whole of acting. Now that we are heading into working on actual shows…it will be interesting to see who can apply what is learned in class, and who cannot. I do not mean to make this sound like some big competition, but let’s face it…it is.

Classes like the Fitzmaurice Voice work, and the Williamson Movement Technique all center around the following of one’s natural impulse to govern one’s acting. These techniques train the actor to obtain an awareness of things that are all around us towards which we normally would not pay attention; i.e our breath, our environment, how we feel at that moment. In other words, these techniques take the Meisner work a step or two further towards taking nothing for granted.

So far? I used to have a bad habit of “planning” things with regards to my acting. It still occurs a bit…but not as much. I also am able to let things go more than I used to. Trust my instincts, you know?

Next semester?…Miles to go before I sleep…miles to go before I sleep.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

January 25, 2005

Well, we’re back. I can’t believe we’re in the 2^nd semester already. I have been cast in a play called, “Claw.” It is a dramatic piece by Howard Barker. I have a pretty juicy part, which is pretty cool being a 1^st year. Beat out a lot of people. The cool thing is we started rehearsing a week before classes started. I am completely off-book. Already which is great as I con focus more on my schoolwork. Took me a couple of days to get back into a “groove.” Was a bit depressed about the new semester…probably just anxiety. But things have been easing back into things.

The break was good…a working vacation: with my mother’s broken ankle, I became a bit of a parent. I cleaned the whole house, I COOKED CHRISTMAS DINNER! That was weird. I was happy to do it, but it put things in perspective.

Classes have started, not as traumatic as I expected…teachers are easing us back into things. I feel fortunate that the show I’m in will be finished by February 13,leaving plenty of time to keep up with the schoolwork.

The 2005 blizzard has hit…wow! I forgot about this kind of snow…haven’t dealt with this in about 10 years! Weird…still had rehearsal, whilst the State of New Jersey is in a “State of Emergency .” Was a bit annoyed, but all’s good. We needed the rehearsal. A big endeavor there, I hope we can pull it off.

Had class despite the roads and parking lots being abysmal. What we must suffer through for our art.

Had my private session with Jan. Worked on my alignment…which ended up not being too bad. I am able to resonate my voice throughout my body, BUT NOT ALWAYS. But it’s nice to know that it isn’t some abstract concept. I CAN do it, now I just need to be able to do it during heightened circumstances.

Dance class is moving toward more dance… our warm-up is becoming more intricate and intense…a nice challenge.

As before, taking things day-by day. I feel lucky that I’m in an earlier show. When the demands of the semester really kicks in I’ll be able to focus more on classes, which is nice.

February 6, 2005

Getting ready to open “Claw.” Am a bit nervous as I just saw, “We Won’t Pay! We Won’t Pay!” by Dario Fo in the New Theatre. What a great show…really! Great writing, great directioin, wonderful performances, a perfect combination. Of course, “Claw” is a very different show. However I can’t help but feel a little intimidated.

We’re “teching” now…seeing/feeling the pieces fit together is helping my attitude…getting a sense of “the show” and my part in it. For me, I always am able to kick in something more when costumes and make-up are added (Michole liked my old age ideas for Act III…very happy about that). Not to get too self-congratulatory, but it feels like my Biledew is coming together quite nicely. The head of the Directing Department, Amy Saltz, gave me a nice compliment when she saw our last run-through…listening, not screaming, etc. Very flattered. Furthermore, most of my notes now are tweaking stuff. A nice bit of encouragement.

Rico (my friend in my class, who is my age) got cast as Torvald in “A Doll’s House.” I am very happy for him…I am, of course, a little jealous too. No harm…he wanted my part, I wanted his…funny. Wish him well.

Keeping up with classes…seemingly. Movement (Dance) is giving me a bit of trouble. Michael is pushing me, which is great. I am psyching myself out, I think. I am not a dancer, however, I’ve had some previous experience from the Academy. I think my muscle-memory has perhaps deceived him in thinking I am capable of more than I feel I am. Perhaps the perception issue is more mine than his. Anyway…we engage in little spats, and I must remove my pride…a tough chore, but am working on it. Other than that things are moving along. We’re about a month away from Spring Break. Jesus! The last time I gave a shit about Spring break was almost 10 years! Wow.

Well, we’ll see how the show comes off.

February 18, 2005

Well, “Claw” has come and gone. Mixed reception I think, but no surprises. The material is dense and a lot for and audience to take in, let alone an audience mostly comprised of students. I get the impression that my first impression (as an actor) was favorable.

Did just have an audition for one of the One-Acts, to be directed by the Directors in our class. While I would enjoy the easier scheduled (afforded by NOT being cast), I think I would have fun in this part (Mike, “Fifth Planet”). But I do believe that the casting priority will go to one who has not been cast in a significant role yet.

Now that classes are my primary focus (for now) I am amazed at how I am able to utilize my time. This semester is quite a different pace, must be much more focused, you know?

The Movement (Dance) class has gotten interesting. As stated before, I felt a tension between my teacher (Michael Blake) and I. I have since figured out two things: It is not all directed towards me, and he sees I am working hard and at a high level. Learning both has helped me not psych myself out, and work to keep improving. Furthermore, this semester is much more dance-oriented which is seemingly going better for. Still VERY challenging, but my previous work at the Academy is helping me get things quicker…that crazy muscle-memory! Wild.

Of course, Williamson Technique Movement remains to be a challenge. Anything that abstract is a big hurdle for me…a la Voice (Fitzmaurice).

We have more callbacks for a couple of One-Acts …anxious to see what comes of that. A number of people in our, and other classes have not been cast yet (or at least significantly), so we’ll see how that goes.

March 6, 2005

Well, I was cast in another show, “5^th Planet.” A really nice one-act…written by David Auburn, who wrote “Proof.” I’m pretty excited, as well as flattered as this was a role a lot of people wanted, plus I now have been cast in two shows this semester with major roles. Furthermore, the play is a little more accessible than “Claw” so I feel better about inviting my family to it….something I think they’ll enjoy…seeing me in action, and the first time for my brother, who has never seen me act. I like the idea of that.

Classes are kicking in….trying to stay up to date with all of that. Voice and Speech final presentations are being talked about more, the Cabaret for Singing, the play, etc…a lot of work being expected…not that I’m surprised…just trying to keep things in perspective, prioritize so I do not become overwhelmed, you know.

Found love in my life….no names, but it is wonderful…haven’t had that in a long, long time, Not only is that just a nice thing to have in my life, but also, she is an incredible person: among a few who are more beautiful on the inside, than the outside. That may not sound like much, however, this woman is GEORGEOUS! So it IS saying a lot.

Guess that’s it for now…One day at a time.

March 26, 2005

“5^th Planet” is up…so far it seems to be very well received. Audiences seem to really enjoy it…which is, of course, great! It is a beast however; it is a one-act play…about an hour long in duration…44 scenes! Half the play is remembering what comes next. Will’s direction (Pellegrini) is focused, with a light touch, which I think achieves a lovely balance, and the audience seems more than happy to go with. The top of the show is pretty pithy and comic, but as the show moves on, we get into the guts of it…witnessing a relationship develop between two strangers, who could not be more different.

Plus, I’m happy to have the opportunity to have audiences see me in something that contrasts the production of “Claw.”

Several of my teachers have seen it and have been very pleased. Deborah (Hedwall) came, and was thrilled with both Stacie (Lents) and myself. It’s great to receive that kind of feedback (and praise) from your teachers. Amy Saltz (the head of the Directing Department) was very pleased with Will’s direction. I am very happy for him. They had a great time from the moment the play started.

We are coming into the home stretch of the year. I can’t believe it! We have 5 more weeks…God how time flies! Of course, a lot of final projects are being assigned. What’s fortunate for me…is I will be finished with shows so I can concentrate on nothing but schoolwork. I am pleased about that.

In acting, Deborah has assigned what’s called the “3 and 3’s.” An exercise that consists of the person in the room having 3 activities, with meaning, directly associated to whom they are expecting. While outside the door, the person enters with 3 separate full-emotional preps. Obviously they are not done all at once…but you do one…then Deborah calls it, then you get ready for the next one. Pretty grueling, yet challenging. This past Monday, my partner was working with someone else, so I didn’t have anyone with whom to work…so I had a “bye.” Or so I thought. At the end, Deborah looked at me and asked me to go out and make 3 full entrances…What could I do? Say “No thank you?”

So I went out and I did it. It was crazy….1^st, I never really know if I do well or what, but she seemed to appreciate the work. In addition to that, during my 2^nd entrance, she had someone go out and knock on the door (she has done this to me 3 times now…kinda cool, actually). I was scared when she first asked me to go up…but afterwards, was grateful. It is amazing what can happen when you just dive in. I appreciate how I am constantly being challenged in the program. I know there are times when I resent it…but ultimately it all improves my work.

May 13, 2005

Well, 1^st Year is finished! I cannot believe it. The last six weeks have been pretty intense, finals, you know?

Stage combat we had a final presentation which lead to our being certified by the Society of American Fight Directors…pretty cool, oh I was awarded the Examiners Award for Excellence in Unarmed Stage combat…again, pretty cool.

We had our movement finals:

For Michael Blake we choreographed a piece, combined it with another students piece, then added it to music…worked with June…we did well. He liked it a lot.

For Jan, we had what was called the “Drunk Salon.” We had been working on playing drunk for a few weeks, and our final consisted of our participating in an “Office Party” in which we all were drunk (playing drunk I should say). We create a character name and Bio that we committed to memory (I was Holden Caufield II) and for a while, that was our dialogue for about half the exercise, then we were permitted to break free of that, and go into true improv, while being more drunk. Essentially we all were to arrive with a goal (what we wanted to accomplish at this party (i.e. get a promotion, sleep with someone, get someone else fired, etc), and the party would then be this 2 hour improvisational exercise. Kinda weird, but went well…I got fired.

Our Voice and Speech finals were a bit arduous as we had three teachers (count them, 3!) working on a Shakespearian Sonnet of our choosing. That’s right, 3 teachers coaching us on 14 lines of verse…uuugh! Difficult to say the least. “Too many chefs…”? But all things considered, all was fine.

Our singing final ended with a Cabaret, which went off surprisingly well. All seemed to really enjoy it, and our teacher, John O’Neill was very please how well it came together. We were like a bunch of fifth graders in need of supervision as the Cabaret occurred after our other finals.

Needless to say, I got four “A’s”, one “B+” and a “B”…better than I thought I’d do, but awesome to say the least. Met with Deborah, Amy (Saltz, head of Directing), and Heather. Was a glowing evaluation and encouraged me to go further. Was not surprised that Speech was my lowest grade…I know I did not prioritize that class, let alone the sonnet.

With all that, we lost 2 classmates (3 altogether as we lost one earlier in the semester). Kinda rough. So now we are 9 Acting students, 1 Director….more personal attention…which is good. We are officially the smallest class at Mason Gross.

Christopher Halladay www.christopherhalladay.com